We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

Every time someone says Barack Obama’s middle name, Leo, an old Scots-Irish woman has a stroke. You need to stop, you monster.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

It was funny at first, Virgo, that you fell for that hoax alternative medicine website pushing “Tobasco enemas.” But after three traumatically painful “cleansings” without the slightest glimmer of understanding, it’s starting to feel more like abusing a helpless animal. Virgo, You should probably see a doctor.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

No, Libra, it’s not all that unusual for a child to stick beads so far up his nose that he requires medical attention. But James is 23 now, and it’s time to stop calling him a “late bloomer.”

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

I know your working conditions are less than ideal, Scorpio, but in the future could you try not to shit in the jalapeños? I have a thing for homemade guacamole.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

I’d tell you to withdraw all your money from the bank, Sagittarius, but that might cause a run on the bank, which would mean you can’t get your money, which is why you should withdraw your money.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Your girlfriend may be stiff and robotic, Capricorn, but she is not a Cylon. She’s a Terminator. Get it right.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

John McCain loves Abba, Aquarius, and Barack Obama can sink a three-pointer on the first try with the entire world watching. Now who ya like, jocktard?

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

The surge, which is working, is working, Pisces. Did you hear the surge is working? It is. It’s working. I mean, after all, if it weren’t working, would politicians feel the need to insist incessantly that it were? So there you go.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Conan O’Brien as host of the Tonight Show I can live with, Aries, but have you heard who they’re replacing him with on “Late Night”? Jimmy Fallon, for fuck’s sake. Jimmy fucking Fallon. What, was Adam Corolla too busy? But you’ll be all right: later this week, you’ll be crushed by a frozen block of human waste from an airplane. Congrats!

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your giant SUV may cost too much to keep, Taurus, but its value has fallen so much that you can’t really sell it, much like your house. At least the Escalade is big enough to stretch out in, which will be nice when you’re sleeping in it. USA! USA!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you didn’t want to die in prison, Gemini, you shouldn’t have referred to your cellmate’s shoes as “the bomb” while going through customs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, Your letter-writing campaign to officially ban the word “Roastito” will not ultimately succeed.