Beast Banner August 2008
ISSUE #129
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Features

ArrowA PROLEGEMONOUS EPISTLE FROM EUSTACE TILLEY
The New Yorker mascot on this Obama cover balderdash

ArrowTERROR ALERT!
The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.
Ian Murphy

ArrowTOP 10 IDIOCIES OF THE GENERAL ELECTION--SO FAR
It's a list--you like lists!
Allan Uthman

ArrowZIRINTERVIEW!
Sportswriter Dave Zirin stoops to our level

ArrowTHE ASSHOLE DISEASE
The 'Empathy Deficit Disorder' epidemic
Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowSPECIAL IRAN WAR PREVIEW!
The sequels just keep coming!
Paul Jones

ArrowCATASTROPHE IN CHIEF
The end of the American empire
Stan Goff

Arrow7 DIRTY WORDS YOU'D NEVER HEAR TODAY
Carlin was one cool [expletive deleted]
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Phony Autistic Baby

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

A TAD DEFENSIVE

Cow shit is not the problem [Allison Kilkenny, “Eat Shit and Die,” issue 128]. In fact cow shit, chicken shit, goat shit, rabbit shit...all great fertilizers. The problem is centralized "holocaust style" meat production. Veganism is great for some bodies. For some folks, like myself, who have had traumatic injuries, protein needs can be more than a vegan diet makes possible. It is possible to eat meat responsibly by growing it and/or supporting local farmers, and for me personally by understanding the sacrifice involved and at the very least having gratitude for the life given to support mine. It is ridiculous to blame meat
BaruchZ

Dear Baruch,
We’d address your concerns, but we just ate a whole marinated pork tenderloin and we’re feeling kind of woozy.

MEAT BEEF

Fabulous article - Meat kills As a 7 yr vegetarian, it's disgusting that we have to suffer for the meateaters and animal pharmed food. We also pay a portion of our taxes to subsidize the industry that kills animals and people eventually and the world. Americans know less about their food and what's in it, than any other country on Earth.
meria

Dear Meria,
Yeah, but those Venusians are even worse!

SHITSTORM

Most folks are unaware that sewage sludge, particularly from hog factories, is being sold as fertilizer and spread on fields of vegetables. Human and animal waste disposal is a growing problem but is very problematic for the meat factory farms. They have been marketing the sludge as fertilizer for over a decade. There will likely be more cases of e-coli and salmonella in the future. Environmental organizations in the midwest have been fighting the practice but with minimal success. While buying organic might give the consumer a higher percentage of safety it's not a guarantee since organic and non-organic farms can be adjacent to one another. Run-off can contaminate the organic fields. We just have to know where our food is grown and under what conditions. The agencies charged with oversight are unreliable. For more information just google 'sewage sludge as fertilizer'. You'll unearth the entire debate.
Sgreen

Dear Sgreen,
Nice: “Sewage sludge includes anything that is flushed, poured, or dumped into our nation's wastewater system--a vast, toxic mix of wastes collected from countless sources, from homes to chemical industries to hospitals. The sludge being spread on our crop fields is a dangerous stew of heavy metals, industrial compounds, viruses, bacteria, drug residues, and radioactive material.” Fucking radioactive vegetables now? Thanks, EPA!

DUBIOUS SCIENCE

In the day and age in which we live, where antibacterial soaps, air fresheners, toilet bowl cleansers, and (yes, I saw this one today) antibacterial window cleaner, (still trying to imagine the scenario where anyone's going to be licking their windows) people seem to be trying to distance themselves even farther from nature, of which we are still part... The immune system needs exercise. When I was young, (years ago!) my parents took us to measles parties, where the neighbors' children had come down with measles, or mumps, or chicken pox, and we played together, in hopes of contracting the disease. Great fun, sure we caught it, then we had our own measles party, and the neighbor kids that hadn't caught it the last time would get to try again. Didn't need vaccinations for it back then, getting the disease improved the immune response!

Living in a germ free environment is sure to put the immune system into a coma, so that when a germ does make an entry, there's no guard at the door, and then it's all over!

Getting sick is actually the immune system's opportunity to strengthen itself...
xonk

Dear xonk,
We took your advice and went to what we were assured was an “AIDS party.” The games we played there were a lot of fun! We’re not feeling anything yet, but we’re sure it won’t be long before our immune systems undergo some astonishing transformations. Thanks for the tip, buddy!

FECOPHILIAC

Holy cow I must be a walking bomb. When i was a kid on our 1,800 acre dairy farm, one of my favorite pastimes was jumping out the third floor hay mow in winter into a big gushy pile of freshly scooped cow manure and piss. Yeah man its true, i loved the smell and feel of that soft mushy cow shit. It was warm to with vapor raising off it. Weird kid huh? Actually my nieghbor buddies came over and we made a game out of it. Even today at 62 i love the smell of cow shit. Told my wife they ought to make perfume that smells like fresh cow shit and fresh mowed hay. She does not like that idea to much. My mom and grandma did not like it much either,I had to strip and bath outside, then wash my own clothes but i thought it was worth it. I almost never got sick in those days. I could only do it in winter when the manure spreader froze up. Like i said in another post we cut the hearts out of veggies as thats where the poisons collect, and we wash each leaf of cabbage and lettuce as things collect as the heads form. Boil, stew, bake, broil, stirfry it. In Europe thats what most people used to do, Americans went fresh salad crazy. In many countries of the world "night soil" is used. (Human shit and piss) So when you travel be careful of "fresh vegetables". zorba1

Dear Zorba,
Yes—what were we thinking, eating fresh vegetables? Salad is totally crazy! Jumping in shit, however, is good for what ails ya. We’re going to go out on a limb here and venture that you are not a doctor.

SELF-LOATHING REDEFINED

yeah, great job with the russert article-only read the same thing on about ten other sites [Paul Jones, “Big Fuss,” issue 128]. kudos, though, for reworking the ideas of smarter people into something totally unreadable. innovative! paul jones must be the puffy combs of journalism, they even have the same first initial. i sense the first of many name makeovers...how about p. thetic? go fuck yourselves.
stephon lee

Dear Jones,
We love you man, but it’s really pretty weird that you wrote this e-mail.

FIGHT THE POWERLESS

“Each time liberals pitch a misguided shit-fit over a misinterpreted metaphor, or a euphemism like “redneck” that everyone outside of a TV studio uses with comfort and regularity, they further alienate the “regular voters” they need to win. The fact is that most people, and not just working-class whites, but really almost everybody, including me — think that excessive, preening PC language policing is asinine, uptight, joyless bullshit, and they recoil instinctively from it, and its progenitors.” [Allan Uthman, “Media Manners,” issue 128]

This is exactly my own thought. When you analyze why people vote for the Republicans, and automatically side with the Republicans, it is hard to come up with an answer. After all, Republicans are torturers, war-mongers, and frauds who have looted the treasury, destroyed constitutional rights, and have fought against healthcare reform. I am only naming a few of their many sins here. So why do people continue to side with the Republicans? It is because people are sick of the bullshit attitudes of the left. People hate being categorized as racist, sexist, ageist, anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-multicultural, or anti-whatever just because they have dared to disagree with the some item in the precious litany of liberal doctrine. When your choice is to engage in self-loathing or to watch Sean Hannity, you might just choose to flip the TV over to Fox.

Doctor Panacea

Dear Doctor,
You could always go outside, you know.

SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE KURU

cannibalism is a waste of time. can we PLEASE wait until the goon squad have been removed before we start feeding on ourselves?
choirgirl

Dear choirgirl,
Waste of time? Why, it’s both nutritious and delicious!

THAT’S GOTTA HOIT

I am surprised that this article is still generating rants and comments [Ian Murphy, “Fuck the Troops,” issue 126]. I figured it was good for one month,maybe two, tops. Having said that, since it is still a subject of contention, I'll throw in my two cents worth. I am a medically retired vet, who served 9 years in the Corps and 15 in the Army before getting run over by a HUMVEE during a training exercise in Germany. I joined the Corps in 1965 for the basest of reasons. A sincere desire to be a Marine. Nothing more. When I was informed of the "conflict" in Vietnam,halfway through bootcamp, I wondered what in the Hell I had gotten myself into. I wouldn't say that I was looking for a way out of it but I wasn't applying for immediate deployment either. Decided to take it as it came. It came. 13 months later I came home somewhat wiser, considerably crazier, and determined to enjoy life. Believe it or not, the following years in the Corps and the Army allowed me that luxury. I enjoyed soldiering for it's own sake. I wasn't worried about money, promotions, security, school, or much of anything else. I just liked working as a surveyor, following the daily routine and in general being a good troop. The odd thing is that the further we left Vietnam behind, the more those 13 months paid a dividend. It seemed that that ancient experience gave me a credibility that for outweighed my actual investment. When I left the Army with a crushed right leg, for the first time I felt true bitterness. They wanted me real bad when I was whole but as damaged goods, I was shown the door. It took me nearly ten years to get over that. Today the retirement check comes each month along with a supplemental from the VA and once again, life is pretty damned good. I walk with a hell of a limp, I'll never hike or jog again but I've learned to compensate. As to "Fuck The Troops", if it makes you feel better to say that, well go ahead. It's no skin off my nose and it doesn't stop the checks. How about the troops today? I can only hope that they too can find a sense of peace with themselves when they are 62 and looking back on their lives however they chose to spend them. Brummbaer PS The Marine Corps was a calling, the Army was a job. My home has Marine Corps crap all over it but only one picture from my Army days. How 'bout them apples!

Dear Brummbaer,
So killing people and being maimed for the government is a good deal financially? Bully for you. At least it didn’t cost you an arm
and a leg.

THE CAMO MAFIA

Just curious: have you received any thoughtful rebuttals to Ian Murphy's "Fuck The Troops" article, or does every single response deserve to be rendered in crayon font? It does seem ironic that the social element so keen on advocating personal responsibility when it comes to sacrificing oneself to a shitty employer's demands at all costs, as well as taking an overwhelming concern over what people do with their sex organs, give a free pass to "the troops" regarding their inability to learn from other suckers' past mistakes. Guess it all depends on what gang you join.

Mickey Mephistopheles

Dear Mickey,
We hear the Latin Kings even observe the Geneva Conventions.

BRIDGE UNDER TROUBLED WATERS

It is a mistake to say any jobs are safe in any sector [Allan Uthman, “Bait and Switch,” issue 126]. Large numbers of service sector jobs have been outsourced. Even low paying call centers are overseas now. Major American industrial firms are becoming little more than brand holders as product design is outsourced to India. And it is not because the Indian engineers are brilliant just cheaper and more arrogant. Indian outsourcing is even being used on critical structural load evaluation on significant state and municipal projects in this country. Some of the Indian so called engineers evaluating load ratings on bridges, etc. do not understand engineering fundamentals taught at the sophomore level in the US. I have direct experience with this. People will eventually die because of this but the firms will be shielded from liability.
Blood Red Sun

Dear Blood,
For an American to call any other nation’s people arrogant is... well, just astoundingly arrogant. But thanks for the sunny forecast on bridge collapses—it’s going to be an exciting century!

EVERYTHING IS PEACHY

free trade means slavery - Not the case! I have not spent much time at those steel mills but recently had to spend time with a Customer who has. Growing up in the mid west, working at the steel mills, and finally a long career at Delphi. His comments: Unions have killed the business because it gave folks a since of entitlement. People earning overtime while playing cards, not caring about the quality of the labor because they get paid no matter what, and lastly these folks saying we owe them a job making $60K or more because they are American.

Most/many others who really want to work and show they can be productive find they can not due to fear from fellow Union workers. Unions have killed the jobs. He hates them. Those are his words and not mine though I have visited the facilities and noted that there was no sense of urgency and I was the only one working my lunch hour. My employment experience is quite different as I have spent my career developing factories in Asia. From above

"Look closely at these poor brown and yellow serfs: That is our future." and "Far away from our Chinese plasma HDTVs, impoverished peasants work endlessly in unsafe facilities, breathing putrid air and collapsing nightly in squalor." I do see it and this guy has it wrong. He should see what I see at high tech facility from Malaysia, Korea, Philippines, India, Thailand, and of course mainland China.

Folks are moving business over there because it working not because people work more cheaply. No peasants or under nourished slaves collapsing nightly in squalor which is by far the exception. Unsafe - not at the many factories I have visited/worked and the ones I know about are losing/going out business - it represents bad/poor business practice.

We train employees not exploit and harm/kill them. Note: Union workers I met while traveling in US knew all they wanted to know and were not inclined to learn more. How nice it is to be like the author above and know everything. Pollution, yes it bad but no worst than Southern Cal were I grew up and it has gotten better just like Southern Cal has gotten better. Improvements must/will continue in both as we all learn to live with mass transit and hybrids. You know what we are growing overseas? Customers. You know what were are losing here? Jobs that require no education. We need to invest to re-educate our workers, provide better student loans, extend unemployment benefits, etc.... because no one can fix the issue that in today's world if you don't have an education you will be punished with minimum pay jobs. Big Labor loses because it results in people sitting on their asses (see also Government Jobs). People overseas are building nations and have little time for the arrogant American Union Worker - My words.

albinodog

Dear dog,
If you take jobs that require no education away from people who have no education, what have you got but a bunch of uneducated people with no jobs? If it’s a choice between lazy Teamsters and and hand-to-mouth servitude, well... it isn’t. But thanks for your whitewashed anecdotal information.

THE ANSWER IS YOUR NAME

How do I get 1 of my poems published in your paper?
James Pray

Dear James,
You don’t.



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