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The BEAST Page 5 Dictatorial Facial Hair

Name: Robert Mugabe’s Moustache.

Turn-ons: Charlie Chaplin, ethnic cleansing, crushing dissent, making opposition leaders eat my campaign posters, the Shick Quattro, Hitler, rampant inflation and camping with friends.

Turn-offs: Fags, white people, fair elections, international monitoring, the Congo, Uganda, Rwanda, Don Cheadle, Tom Friedman, General Ambrose Burnside and basically anyone who doesn’t agree with me.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Dictatorial Facial Hair: Well, while Rob was at Oxford I was a full-grown, full-fledged ‘stache, but the more he focused on Zimbabwean nationalism the smaller I became. Eventually, I was reduced to the sad state you see today. And that’s the real tragedy.

Future Plans: I’m talking to Random House right now about getting my book published. We’re currently at an impasse about the tone of the thing. They want an historic retelling of my days under the nose of Africa’s most terrible leader, but I’m leaning more toward a fictional account of the last days of Stalin’s pubes.

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As an absolute icon of dictatorial fashion, but more importantly, as an unpretentious bit of keratin which grows approximately .4 mm per day.