Our stomach growl in anticipation of your generosity.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Jesus, Virgo! What makes you think you can shove some decomposing road kill into a box and call it Bigfoot? Its name was Tony.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Libra, what the hell are you doing covering a couple hicks who claimed to have proof of Bigfoot? Oh, that’s right, abdicating your role as the Fourth Estate. And no, you don’t smell a Pulitzer. That’s Tony.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Look, Tony, saying that making fun of retards is tantamount to the kind of discrimination blacks faced in the ‘60s, women in the ‘70s and gays in the ‘80s is just about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Maybe you are a dead sasquatch, after all.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Your idea to create a dirty-dance craze called “The Pervy Musharraf” will go over only slightly better than last year’s “T. Bone Pickens.”
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Masturbating to the Chinese women’s gymnastic team is so wrong, for so many reasons. Shame on you, Capricorn; you should be masturbating to American children.
You know what, Aquarius? You’re not Michael Phelps. Stop kicking in the tub. You’re ruining the linoleum.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Your guard never drew a cross in the sand, you never gave your captors the names of the Greenbay Packers and you were never in the goddamn Cone of Silence. You need to stop lying—you’re not even a Pisces!
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You may not have heard how the FBI can use the GPS in your cell phone to turn on the mic and listen to you even when you’re not using it, Aries, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you singing “Wind Beneath My Wings” to your cat.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Hey, Taurus, you know how at the end of Back to the Future Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean with garbage he puts into the Mr. Fusion, but there’s no Mr. Fusion in Back to the Future II or III? Well, you have Parkinson’s. Sorry.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Granted, “Generation Kill” is a good show, but you need to stop reminding your coworkers to “stay frosty.” You work at Taco Bell!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Sure, Cancer, Article VI Section III of the Constitution states there shall be no religious test for the office of the presidency, but you have to think of God’s feelings, too.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Unfortunately, Leo, over the past eight years your most paranoid fears about an impending American dystopia has come to complete fruition. On the bright side, you no longer have anything to be scared of—except spiders.
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