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ISSUE #131
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Features

ArrowA DISASTROUS MESSAGE FROM ANDERSON COOPER
Live from wherever it's windy

ArrowGENERAL ELECTION: THE BOARD GAME
An extremely tedious and depressing activity for Americans from 35-73!

ArrowPALIN-DRONES
It's official: Women are idiots
Allan Uthman

ArrowCARPOCALYPSE NOW
An inebriated survey of hard-working Americans
Ian Murphy

ArrowGOD: STILL DEAD
Pharyngula's hellbound PZ Myers chats with us about religous idiocy, bigotry and other American pastimes

ArrowTHE DESKS OF IWO JIMA
An American tale from the heart of Huckabee
Clint Eastwood


ArrowBIGFOOT TAKES GOLD IN MEN'S FREESTYLE NEWS FILL
Warning: May not be true
Steve Gordon

ArrowWHY REDNECKS RULE THE WORLD
Aside from all the guns, of course
Joe Bageant

ArrowKRISTOL BALLS
Bill Kristol, revolutionary feminist
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Subtly Racist Contrived Voting Bloc

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowPalin-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, in the form of koans about the Alaska Governor

[sic] - Your letters

 

Bigfoot takes gold in Men’s Freestyle News Fill
By Steve Gordon

During the mild news lull that occurred in between Michael Phelps’s violent murder spree in Beijing and Barack Obama’s vice presidential nomination of Michael Phelps, the media put a couple of its less-important chips behind Bigfootgate ’08.

At this point there are 602 online “news” items concerning this “scandal:” two relatively not retarded former law enforcement officers from Georgia announced that they’d found the corpse of Bigfoot. A week later, the story was confirmed to be a hoax. The story nevertheless confirmed our greatest fears: Never break the law in the South.

It took a coordinated, though agentless, media hype-up to get our collective heads wrapped around the Bigfoot narrative. But we were primed; the news had gotten us going and gotten us talking about the news. Behind, Phelps had literally slaughtered the nation of China—literally—and ahead, an election that could mean the retributive enslavement of the white race was about to enter its last leg.

But how often does the media shovel incoherent filler like this our way? How much extraneous cheese do we swallow with our Hard News Reubens? Here’s a look at some of the stranger, overlooked stories of last week:

Georgia Men Claim To Have Evidence of Gay Zombies
KTNV-ABC Las Vegas, 15 Aug 2008

Two Georgia men held a news conference Friday in hopes of making good on their promise to deliver evidence of the existence of Gay Zombies.

Friday, the men displayed pictures of a fur adorned corpse in a freezer, which looked fabulous, along with the results of a DNA test.

Skeptics says it is just the latest in a long line of hoaxes.

One of the men who says he found the creature says, “Be sure to get tested for zombie HIV. I’m completely fucking serious.

One Gay Zombie researcher says a picture of the corpse looks like an ordinary zombie in a costume.

Stay tuned to Action News as we monitor developing news around the Valley.

Fur Real? Georgia Pair Say They Found an Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration

The Washington Post, 17 August 2008

An Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration has been found in the Georgia woods and is being held in a cooler at an undisclosed location.

So say two self-proclaimed Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration trackers, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, who held a news conference in Palo Alto on Friday to publicize their claim of having found the elusive Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration, or at least the discolouration of one, in the northern part of the Peach State. The exact location is being kept secret, they said, to protect other Uncanny Interdimensional Discolourations still discolouring out there.

The public was excluded from the conference, but a picture of the supposed 500-plus-pound dead Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration was posted online at on www.searchingforuncannyinterdimensionaldiscolouration.com, looking like a mangy mound of discolouration and the discoloured colour of a close cousin to “color” -- all crammed into a water-filled icebox. A second photo showed the proud captors, and Tom Biscardi, a fellow Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration hunter and owner of the Web site, posed next to the wet heap of discolour.

Some Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration enthusiasts were less than convinced…

Georgia men defend Jason Voorhees body claims

CNN.com, 15 Aug 2008

A pair of Georgia men faced more than a half-hour of skeptical questions from reporters Friday as they defended their claim that they stumbled upon the body of Jason Voorhees while hiking in a remote abandoned summer camp near Crystal Lake.

The thawed body of a creature reputed to be Jason Voorhees reportedly weighs more than 500 pounds.

Introduced by a publicist and beside a man who promoted what turned out to be a fake Jason discovery in 1995, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer repeatedly said that their claim is not a hoax and that scientific analysis will prove it.

“We were not looking for Jason. ... We wouldn't know what we were doing if we did,” said Whitton, a police officer on leave after being shot in the hand while making an arrest. “I didn't believe in Jason at the time. Me ‘n Ricky, we was jes’ dry humpin’ in that thur cabin when one a’ them Jasons started stabbin’ this big machete through the wall at us, h’yuck. But you've got to come to terms with it and realize you've got something special. And that's what it was. H’yuck.

The men say they were hiking in early June when they discovered the body of a 7-foot-7, 500-pound half-hockey-player, half-human creature near a stream. They also claim to have spotted about three similar living creatures -- and showed reporters video stills of what they say is one of those creatures predictably appearing in front of them no matter where they ran through the woods…

Two Georgians Say They Have Grampire’s Body

New York Times, 14 Aug 2008

In the musky and hoax-filled history of Grampire, those who believe in the mythical beast have offered up all manner of evidence, from grainy photos of nothing, to weak gum marks on necks, to blood-spackled social security checks.

But on Friday at a hotel in Palo Alto, Calif., a pair of Grampire hunters say they will present what they contend is the most definitive proof yet of an animal that science says does not exist: DNA evidence and photographs of an un-undead specimen they say they found in a remote swath of retirement villas in northern Georgia.

“It was very frightening at first,” said Rick Dyer, 31, a former corrections officer who — coincidentally — runs a business that offers Grampire-sponsored trips to the ice cream parlor.

“And it got even more frightening when you saw the others, but then it got sad, if not somewhat endearing, when you saw them foolishly putting their capes in the dishwasher.”

One photograph provided to the news media showed what resembled a grandpa — or maybe a vampire — lying twisted in a freezer, with a dollop of hard candy protruding from its belly…



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