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ISSUE #131
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Features

ArrowA DISASTROUS MESSAGE FROM ANDERSON COOPER
Live from wherever it's windy

ArrowGENERAL ELECTION: THE BOARD GAME
An extremely tedious and depressing activity for Americans from 35-73!

ArrowPALIN-DRONES
It's official: Women are idiots
Allan Uthman

ArrowCARPOCALYPSE NOW
An inebriated survey of hard-working Americans
Ian Murphy

ArrowGOD: STILL DEAD
Pharyngula's hellbound PZ Myers chats with us about religous idiocy, bigotry and other American pastimes

ArrowTHE DESKS OF IWO JIMA
An American tale from the heart of Huckabee
Clint Eastwood


ArrowBIGFOOT TAKES GOLD IN MEN'S FREESTYLE NEWS FILL
Warning: May not be true
Steve Gordon

ArrowWHY REDNECKS RULE THE WORLD
Aside from all the guns, of course
Joe Bageant

ArrowKRISTOL BALLS
Bill Kristol, revolutionary feminist
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Subtly Racist Contrived Voting Bloc

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowPalin-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, in the form of koans about the Alaska Governor

[sic] - Your letters

 

Kristol Balls
Bill Kristol, revolutionary feminist
By Allison Kilkenny

I was shocked to learn in today's New York Times that Bill Kristol, much like John McCain, considers himself a bit of a maverick.

You see, ever since he was a little ragamuffin racing around in short pants, Billy Kristol claims to have loved the state, but now in his old age, he's booting out the "anti" in antidisestablishmentarianism, and is living out his winter years as a full-blown political anarchist.

Boot out the Clintons! See ya' in hell, Bushes! Billy Kristol wants change in Washington!

Of course, Kristol has a strange definition of "change," and he is exactly the type of laughably hypocritical fossil that new generations of Americans are so desperately trying to force out of power.

Kristol is a member of several conservative think tanks. He was chairman of the New Citizenship Project from 1997 to 2005, he is a member of the board of trustees for the free-market Manhattan Institute for Policy Research, he co-founded the neoconservative Project for the New American Century (PNAC) in 1997 with Robert Kagan, and he is a member of the Policy Advisory Board for the neoconservative Ethics and Public Policy Center.

But that aside, Kristol is just tickled pink that there's a lady running for the second highest seat in the land! Suddenly, with the arrival of Sarah Palin, William has tucked little Billy between his legs, and claims to be a born-again feminist. Praise Ani DiFranco! In fact, he's just outraged by all of these "Neo-Feminists," who refuse to clutch Sarah Palin to their bosoms. He quotes the "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" to describe feminists displeasure with Palin: "That is not what I meant at all. That is not it, at all."

Had T.S. Eliot seen Sarah Palin, he may very well have wrapped his arm around a weeping feminist and whispered, "Man, that DOES suck." But leaving aside such silly speculation, it's safe to assume that feminists aren't angry simply because Palin isn't their preferred type of female, but that she's not their preferred type of Vice-Presidential candidate, and worse, she's a woman, too!

But I digress. Kristol is also super stoked that there's a black guy running, even though he once erroneously claimed Obama was in church during Reverand Wright's infamous sermon. Suddenly, he's less concerned with Obama's radical God ties and more concerned with the Changiness in Barack's Change Machine.

Yes, Kristol is simply giddy over all of this change.

...Oh, he's also the founder and editor of the political magazine The Weekly Standard, a regular commentator on the Fox News Channel, and an Op-Ed columnist for the New York Times, one of the loudest, strongest supporters of the Bush Doctrine, the Iraq War, and the 2006 Israeli attack on Lebanon.

Ahem. In the words of Jon Stewart: "Oh Bill Kristol, are you ever right?"

The answer is No. This is the year of change, we've heard a thousand times a day. Now, with the economy in turmoil and U.S. troops dying abroad, the Bush sentinels will try desperately to evolve from their free market, neoconservative cocoons. Kristol appears to be stuck mid-metamorphosis, and he's pathetically wiggling and squirming while trying with all his might to look like an exciting revolutionary.

He's not. He's just a pathetic liar and The New York Times finds itself in a difficult position of its own device, having only hired Kristol recently. The Gray Lady is walking a thin line between housing diverse political voices and providing sanctuary for one of the few and final Bush Doctrine apologists.



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