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ISSUE #131
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Features

ArrowA DISASTROUS MESSAGE FROM ANDERSON COOPER
Live from wherever it's windy

ArrowGENERAL ELECTION: THE BOARD GAME
An extremely tedious and depressing activity for Americans from 35-73!

ArrowPALIN-DRONES
It's official: Women are idiots
Allan Uthman

ArrowCARPOCALYPSE NOW
An inebriated survey of hard-working Americans
Ian Murphy

ArrowGOD: STILL DEAD
Pharyngula's hellbound PZ Myers chats with us about religous idiocy, bigotry and other American pastimes

ArrowTHE DESKS OF IWO JIMA
An American tale from the heart of Huckabee
Clint Eastwood


ArrowBIGFOOT TAKES GOLD IN MEN'S FREESTYLE NEWS FILL
Warning: May not be true
Steve Gordon

ArrowWHY REDNECKS RULE THE WORLD
Aside from all the guns, of course
Joe Bageant

ArrowKRISTOL BALLS
Bill Kristol, revolutionary feminist
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Subtly Racist Contrived Voting Bloc

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowPalin-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, in the form of koans about the Alaska Governor

[sic] - Your letters

 

BOOGA BOOGA

Your article does have some correctness, which give all of us something to think about [Ian Murphy, “Impeachment or Beheading: What Should be our GOOOAAAAL?” issue 130]. One thing you have missed in your article concerning Jeff and Mutt is that Jeff and his family will be sued for over $500,000,000. The attorneys are waiting to take Jeff and Mutt to court after their tour in office is completed. Why sentence someone to death before you bankrupt his estate. This same action will happen to Mutt his partner. I think going to court for the next 5 years will be a greater punishment, even greater than quickly sentencing someone to death and excuting the individual.

This should trouble you as an unbelieving in God individual. You will more then likely be standing in hell with the others that enjoyed destroying a persons character, violence, murder, legally robbing others, death, gossip, destroying others with your pen oh I meant articles.

Imagine tortured day and night forever. Imagine something you hate the most happening to you for eternity.

If you don't care don't worry about it.

Luther

Dear Luther,
Got it, thanks!

BRIDGE TO NIHIL

Given all his lapses in memory, none are as bad as Obama, who couldn't remember ever hearing Rev. Wright spewing anti-American rhetoric [Allan Uthman, “Moldy Dick,” issue 130]. Lapses in memory are not a good thing, but are they worse than concocting stories about how one's father was brought to the US by the Kennedy Clan? Forgetting stuff is acceptable. It happens to the best of us. Adding embellishments to stories that took place well over forty years ago...who cares. But Obama has created fiction for the past ten years. Remember how Selma got Obama born? Remember the ethics bill? Remember how he swore that he wouldn't run for anything in '08? Should I go on? I'll take McCain's stories any day over the Progressive Lib's lies.

Glenn D\'Abreo – Reaganite

Dear Glenn,
Well, we’re glad you find your candidate’s lies more palatable. We’re sure it has nothing to do with your political bias or anything. How can we argue with logic like “who cares?”

McCAIN: SO MONEY; DOESN’T KNOW IT

The McCain campaign thinks that it has an opportunity to turn their candidate's gaffe -- failing to recall how many houses his family owns -- into a positive by running an advertisement linking Barack Obama to Tony Rezko. Obama, claims the McCain campaign, got help buying his house from Rezko, a Chicagoan who has since gone to jail but received some $14 million in taxpayer money.

The problem with this attack? Aside from being thoroughly misleading -- Obama has not been seriously alleged to have done anything unethical in his interactions with Rezko -- this ad blows wide open the door to talk about McCain's all-too-close relationship with Charles Keating and well reported on though somewhat forgotten charter membership in the so-called "Keating Five."

The Keating Five is an old story, so many reporters have shied away from saying much about it because it isn't new -- there aren't a whole lot of new developments in the story. But with McCain talking about allegedly shady relationships, the opportunity is there to go back over McCain's ties to Keating -- whose nefarious activities, which were at least in part aided by his relationship with McCain, ended up costing the American taxpayer $3.4 billion (a whole lot more than the $14 million Rezko was alleged to have received).

Just how close was McCain to Keating? Take a look at this rundown:

Though McCain might try to downplay his involvement, his campaigns received $124,000 from Keating and his associates during the 1980s (AP, 3/2/91), and McCain was described as being personally closer to Keating than any of the other members of the Keating Five (Roll Call, 1/20/92). What's more, McCain accepted more than $15,000 in free trips from Keating, including vacations to Keating's resort in the Bahamas -- trips that McCain failed to disclose at the time (New York Times, 2/28/91; San Francisco Chronicle, 12/3/90).

In the end, the crash of Keating's savings and loan -- which had been shielded by some of his best friends in the United States Senate -- cost billions to the American taxpayer, as mentioned above, and all told the federal government ended up on the hook for close to $125 billion in the fallout of the crisis that befell the underregulated industry in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

Does McCain really want to have to talk about all of this? About the Bahaman vacations he took paid for by Keating? Probably not.

Ellen Gale

Dear Ellen,
Look, the man was a POW. A POW, Ellen! Obviously, that absolves him of any accountability for every bad thing he has ever done. Why can’t you see that? Plus, he’s already said he doesn’t understand economics, so clearly he didn’t even know he was doing anything bad! Also, Sarah Palin can field dress a moose, so she’s all good too. POW!

MUSKET CASE

I fake came across this in the New York Times

Thomas Jefferson to Vote for Ralph Nader in November

A Shocked Public Reminded Why Jefferson Was Shockingly Unpopular

In a surprise move, Thomas Jefferson today announced to the world his decision to vote in November for the candidate he actually believes most suited to be the next president of the United States. Apparently, the choice to participate honestly in our democracy is not always an easy one for Americans to make given the stifling two-party nature of our system.

Asked about the possibility of blowback from the Democratic Party, which he of course founded, Jefferson responded as fiercely as any French-loving, violin-playing sissy could be expected to when he said "to anyone who doesn't like my pick for November, basically I just say fuck you, I created this country and I can just as easily uncreate it."

Jefferson claimed to have come to the decision to vote for the person he would like to see elected after quoting himself during a speech in New Hampshire. "I realized, well, I can't just quote myself all the time because of my respected status as a founding father of this country, and not vote for the candidate that might actually carry forward in any substantive way the values that led me to create the modern world's first democracy." He went on to say that it was hard for him to maintain this balance between quoting himself and supporting policies and candidates that are consistent with his radically populist beliefs because "I can be very quotable, but, you know, sometimes I say some uncomfortable things. I mean, I once said that I would rather every single person in the entire world die except for two people in each country than the French Revolution not succeed. That was some tough shit. It's hard to get corporate donors when you are saying shit like that."

Asked about Nader's chances this election, Jefferson said "King George III was quite powerful when we started that whole revolution, and I remember a lot of people telling me that we couldn't do it, and those people lost a lot of bets when I pulled it off. I have been drinking for free ever since 1783, and corporate power in America is only a slightly more daunting opponent than George, so I say fuck it, let's see what happens."

John Wade

Dear John,
Nice sentiment, but people didn’t vote King George III out of office, man. They shot a bunch of soldiers. A whole fucking bunch. Seriously, dead Brits all over the place. Not that we shouldn’t consider that.

SMEAR-N-OFF

To get a bump in the polls, all McCain needed was a little anti-Russia sabre-rattling. Unlike taunting Iran, against which the US constantly threatens more sanctions and hints at military action, the Republican strategy of pushing Russia to show its nasty side paid great dividends, diverting voters from the economy. In the early 1990’s Bush Sr. promised Russia that NATO would not seek to expand to the East, however, the US almost immediately began doing just that, drawing former Soviet Bloc nations into the alliance that Russia views as threat on its doorstep, much as we would view Russia planting nukes and military radar in Mexico and Canada. Ten former Soviet Bloc nations are now in NATO. The US then courted Georgia’s Western-educated President Mikheil Saakashvili, encouraging him to stand up to the big Bear to the north and assert Georgian sovereignty over ethnically Russian provinces South Ossetia and Abkhazia. McCain’s foreign advisor Randy Scheunemann provided cover for Georgia’s human rights abuses as well as issuing vague promises of US support, should Georgia take action in these contested zones. Russia predictably went on the overkill, predictably exaggerated Georgia’s human rights abuses, and is now predictably reading belligerence into everything we do. To make sure Russia remains paranoid right up through election time, the US gave in to Poland’s demands that the US modernize Poland’s army in exchange for permission to put nukes on its soil. Bush then sent Condi out with the ridiculous lie that these nukes which border Russia are not meant to intimidate Russia, but to deter Iran, half a world away. Russia knows a good taunt when it sees one, and knows a thing or two about enduring military invasions from the West, and is now contemplating several harsh anti-Western responses to these obvious provocations.

McCain and Bush can now breathe a little easier. Putting the big Bear in the papers has eliminated Obama’s lead, at least until the next round of dismal economic news hits the pocketbooks. Mission Accomplished.

Gerald Plume

Dear Gerald,
In Russia, pocketbook hits you!

OUR GYRO

Atwater house? more like crapwater house! tear down every rat infested house in this town and put up more places i can get yummie food at 3 am!

Joshua Cook

Dear Joshua,
But, like, history, man! Old houses and shit!

SOPHISTICATED WITCH

i wanted to tell Allison Kilkenny that there is a religion that sees women as equal to men, Wicca [God Hates Women,” issue 121]. if anything it sees women as greater because thats where all life starts. i just wanted to tell her there is room for religion in feminism. :)

Kara

Dear Kara,
True, but you still have to act like some Renaissance fair geek and pretend to believe a bunch of impossible crap. And cast spells, which may be even stupider than praying, because you need stuff to do it
.

GANNETT GANNOT

Hi. I have no idea what your site is all about, but I saw your hatred for Gannett and its Rochester Insider publication. Wanted to let you know that I've heard Insider is being killed in favor of an online venture called MetroMix. You might want to check it out.
Travis

Dear Travis,
Yeah, but we might not.

UNDER THE TABLE

hey where the F is jailbait jenny you bastards!?! did she turn 18 so you had to throw her out? if so, hire some new underage tramp immediately

Max Dineras

Dear Max,
We did, but we don’t pay her to write.

FRIENDS LIKE THESE

Step Right Up! Check out the Lovely Sarah Palin!

Sara Palin shows her pretty teeth and shakes her cute evangelical behind while McCain's campaign ads mirror a carnival barker shouting empty slogans to get the fools into the circus tent and waste their vote and money for another four years. Obama is not giving the warning necessary to save the poor bumpkins at the mercy of the corporate media's schmoozing this reelection towards the looniest, greediest gang of war making dogs ever passed off as concerned leaders in the history of this nation.

It may just take another four more years of suffering to get people to the point where they're finally angry enough to make Marie Antoinette's head eat cake without her body attached. A political revolution may yet be had with the election of Barack Obama if everybody urges him to wake up and read the realistic take on life on www.matrix-evolutions.com that replaces the liberal fascism conjured up by the conservative castrate, George Bush, and is currently peddled by his cancer prone surrogate, John McCain, and his lovely assistant, Sara Palin, who is about as qualified to be president as Cindy McCain.

Mrs. Ruth and Dr. Peter V. Calabria

Dear Ruth and Peter,
Your website is really, really something all right—we find most websites which refer to the Matrix trilogy are special. But we kind of doubt Axelrod will find it of much use.

HIT ME

Isnt Mark Grisanti married to Maria Calandra Amoia Grisanti? She is the sister of Joanne Vacanti who is the mother of Sammy Vacanti the Drug dealer and Murderer of Monty Massimi. I wonder what his view point is on this disgusting situation. And isnt it true Marias son recieved the gun from Sammy Vacanti? Wasnt he representing Robert Hughes and some others in this whole mess?I would love to know how this all pans out.

Drug Dealers , Murderers, and Scumbags! They murdered Monty Massimi and are all involved in the cover up. Too bad whoever doesnt like the facts, and too bad whose sons and daughters are involved. Bottom line is that if Mark Grisanti wants to be elected then come clean regarding your step son recieving a murder weapon, and fight for whats right regaurding Sammy Vacanti murdering Monty and his other nephew Adam Amoia being involved as well.

Whatever Monty got involved with the bottom line is they murdered him in cold blood by shooting him in the back 3 times and 1 time in the head as he was walking away. Those are the god damned facts and no lies or cover up will erase what has happened. The truth is out and its too bad who doesnt like it. Sorry Mr Grisanti maybe you are unaware of what goes on in your house but THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH. David Gambino, Sammy Vacanti, Louie Vacanti, Adam Amoia, JR, Faust Novino and Fillipo are all known major drug dealers and conspred and carried out the execution of Monty Massimi and unfortunately your scumbag nephew Sam Vacanti gave John Amoia Jr the gun.( Your Stepson)Wether you co-operate or not with the authorities is your decision, but know this all of you WE Will Not Stop Comming After You Until They Are Held Accountable!! Peace everyone else!!

-Name withheld to protect the enraged

Dear Name,
Well, Grisanti lost badly anyway. So now he’s pretty much free to do whatever he wants, not that his relatives would pursue some kind of violent retribution or anything. Bada-bing!



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