Beast Banner November 2008
ISSUE #132
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Features

ArrowA FRIENDLY WARNING FROM THE AMERICAN DOLLAR
Don't call it a comeback

ArrowLET'S GET SOCIAL
Americans prefer to hang separately

Allan Uthman

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part one of a series
John Dolan

ArrowCROCK THE VOTE
A disturbing chat with BRAD FRIEDMAN about real election fraud and fake election fraud

ArrowARE YOU A REAL AMERICAN?
Take our quiz and find out!

ArrowPROZAC FOR THE POCKETBOOK
Coping with Global Depression
Saddy McForlorn

ArrowBROKER ENGLISH
The only language we know
Joe Bageant

ArrowTHE REPUBLICAN BASE: STUPID PEOPLE
A most powerful voting bloc
Erich Shulte

ArrowKEEP HOPE ALIVE... LITERALLY
Keep your fingers crossed
Scott Thill

ArrowSAVE OUR CEOS
Super-wealthy threatened by mere opulence
Rich Herschlag

ArrowBOSTON TEA PARTY 2008
This time, it's impossible
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Pedagogic Stooge

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowFreeper-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, expressed cryptically by the stupidest, most dangerously hateful & bigoted conservatives on the internet!

[sic] - Your letters

 

ARE YOU A REAL AMERICAN?
Take the Quiz!

This election season, we’re hearing an awful lot about “Real Americans.” But do you know if you make the grade? Find out by taking this fun quiz! It's even more fun than a loyalty oath! (Note: Taking quizzes may or may not be American.)

1. What kind of books do you read?
A) The Shock Doctrine was a real eye-opener
B) Nothing I can’t find at the supermarket
C) What’s a book?

2. What music do you like?
A) Radiohead’s new record is a tour de force
B) I’m bringing sexy back
C) I have “God Bless the USA” on a continuous loop at home

3. How do you feel about religious tolerance?
A) It is the right of all people to worship as they like
B) I don’t mind Jews much.
C) Say “merry Christmas” or I’ll kick you in the nads

4. Big cities are:
A) Hotbeds of advanced culture
B) Good for shopping during daylight hours
C) Excellent bombing targets

5. Small towns are:
A) Boring
B) Quaint
C) The only places where anybody decent ever came from, especially my momma

6. Global warming is
A) A scientific fact and a major crisis
B) An issue we need to balance against economic realities
C) A hoax perpetrated by gay communists

7. Contraception is:
A) A wise choice for the sexually active
B) Better than abortion
C) Satan’s latex noose

8. Sarah Palin is:
A) Dangerously unqualified
B) Cute, but not very impressive
C) Smarter than Einstein

9. The mainstream press is:
A) Woefully lazy
B) Keeping me informed
C) Gay communists

10. George W. Bush is:
A) Worst president ever
B) A good guy in over his head
C) Like God, but more sexy

11. Saddam’s missing WMDs were:
A) A total fabrication
B) An honest mistake
C) In John Kerry’s basement

12. African Americans are:
A) An oppressed people struggling to overcome adversity
B) Fine, in theory
C) Racists who are persecuting me


ANSWERS:

Tally your score: Give yourself 0 points for every time you answered A, 1 point for each B, and 2 points for C.

0-8 Points – Un-American: You are a cancer on this once-great country’s soul. Why don’t you pack up your espresso machine and move to France, where you belong?

9- 16 points – Semi-American: You may not be a Marxist, but your tolerance for other points of view threatens our national security.

17 points or more – Real American: Congratulations! Your patriotic hatred for all that is unfamiliar is the hallmark of a fine, worthy citizen of this great Christian nation. Now get out there and bully a liberal!

 



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