RACE TO THE
By STEVE GORDON
Barack Obama became president-elect last
week, and if the mainstream news media have anything to do with it, his selection
of members for Cabinet will be the most important thing to happen in the world.
Ever. Since the Bush policy of hiring recruits fresh out of the Cobra Command
Academy didn’t fare so well, Obama will have to devise a new strategy
for selecting a strong team. The president-elect has quite a challenge ahead
of him, so here is a helpful list of the best possible candidates.
Secretary of State – Sarah Palin
Palin is the best choice for the foreign affairs position of Secretary
of State. Since the election, a number of McCain strategists have come forth
with complaints about Palin’s incompetence, including the astonishing
account that the former vice-presidential nominee had been unable to name all
of the countries in North America. Canada America Mexico. Done. So by “best
choice,” I guess I meant “worst, most distressing, gun-in-the-mouth,
plane-to-the-towers choice.” But come on, do we really need to go around
paying for the kit anytime a head of state gets raped?
Secretary of Defense – The X-Men
Look, Wolverine’s got adamantium claws, Storm does the weather
thing, and Cyclops shoots fucking lasers out of his eyes. The choice for Defense
Secretary is obvious. And the fact that these heroes haven’t already been
nominated to such a high government position really shows how archaic our attitude
towards mutants is. Obama can really prove his tolerance by selecting The X-Men,
provided they pass a not-gay test.
Attorney General – C.J. from San Andreas
C.J. knows a little bit about law enforcement, having spent most of
the 90s trying to evade crooked cops. Obama has said he is looking for people
who don’t necessarily agree with him. C.J. wouldn’t be afraid to
stand up to the president, before slicing his throat, taking his money and stealing
his ride. And after years of cabinet members getting into serious trouble for
breaking the law, it would be nice to have an Attorney General who just has
to get a new paint job for his car to get away from the law scot-free.
Secretary of the Treasury – The Ghost of Karl Marx
Obama’s first sort-of-act of sort-of-office has been to advocate
shoveling a few billion dollars to American automakers who accidentally forgot
to be competitive, functioning corporations. This shows that he is bent on taking
money from hard-working whites and giving it to lazy blacks, and not that he
is seriously indebted to the corporations that funded his campaign and will
continue to run his presidency. A bonus to selecting Ghost Marx is that many
Americans may mistake him for railroad industry magnate, Ghost of Frederick
Secretary of Energy – Billy Mays
I may not completely understand what the Energy Secretary’s responsibilities
include, but there is one thing I can say with complete certainty: Billy Mays
has liquid cocaine for blood. The sun spends a week in bed with tuna and saltines
after he sees the amount of energy expended in a single OxiClean TV spot. So
rigorous a human, Billy Mays could sneak into your house and sell you your own
dick for three easy payments of $19.95. Your own dick.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Lil Wayne
That Lil Wayne is so hot right now. His last album sold millions of
copies, garnered positive reviews from everyone from Pitchfork to the BBC, and
firmly established the artists as officially “so hot right now.”
Not much of a record in government or public policy, but with white conservatives
shitting themselves out of fear that Obama is going to turn the White House
into a nonstop Rap, Sex and Crunk party, Lil Wayne is probably our best hope
that that actually does happen, and that everyone won’t have shat themselves
Veterans Affairs – Rambo
Not Rahmbo Emmanuel, the real one. John Rambo knows war is hell. He was there.
But he also knows it’s almost easier than not-war. No one can better empathize
with vets who come home from war only to suffer from physical and mental health
problems. Rambo will take on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, What-Were-They-Injecting-Me-With
Syndrome, and Strangle-My-Wife-In-Our-Sleep Disease, no matter how many cops
he has to kill in the process.
Secretary of Homeland Security – Hillary Clinton
HRod is a tough political figure these days. To switch gears for a moment, Sasquatch
Rock Parties are a not uncommonly reported phenomenon. Many people throughout
American history have claimed to have intruded, intentionally or not, into the
territory of one or several bigfoots, whose recalcitrant response is to hurl
rocks and boulders at the perceived threat. It can be a quite horrendous ordeal.
Well, anyway, HClinty would make a perfect Nine-Eleven Czar.
Secretaries of the Interior, Agriculture, Commerce, Labor, Health and
Human Services, Education, and Transportation – The Chicago Seven
While some of Obama’s questionable pals brought the candidate
last minute scrutiny before the election, this set of 60s radicals went surprisingly
unnoticed throughout the campaign. These hippies were charged with inciting
a riot during the 1968 Democratic National Convention. Obama was there, shaking
hands with the freakiest freakies, and throwing rocks at cops. Obama should
force these Chill Bros to use their power at these seven cabinet positions to
reverse the detrimental effects of hippie culture on today’s society.
A bunch of kids who smoke weed, eat Taco Bell, and watch Family Guy no longer
constitute a counterculture. And Obama could also create a new cabinet position
and select Bobby Seale to run it, but then change his mind at the last minute
and sentence Seale to prison for contempt instead.