Beast Banner December 2008
ISSUE #133
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Features

ArrowA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES
You need to be more like us

ArrowTHE GREAT SHAME
Bush's legacy is our failure

Allan Uthman

ArrowA MILLION LITTLE PUNDITS
Memoirs of a fake political junkie
Ian Murphy

ArrowBACK TO THE FUTILE
Guess those old politics aren't so bad after all
Anchor Downs

ArrowRACE TO THE CABINET
Gentlemen, start your speculations
Steve Gordon

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part Too: Bongo Burger
John Dolan

ArrowTHE 25th YEAR AFTER
The nuclear winter of our discontent
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowWE WON & THAT'S NOT A PANDA
My Epiphany in the No-Spin Zone
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowDULLEMITE
How to make fun of a black president
Ian Murphy

ArrowSMARTISTS FOR OBAMA
Fear of a Barack Planet
Michael J. Smith

ArrowTHE *TRUTH* ABOUT HUSSEIN OBAMA
Coming soon to an inbox near you
Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Menacing Anachronism

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowInsano-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, expressed cryptically in the form of the stupidest election-related lines we’ve read all month!

[sic] - Your letters

 

RACE TO THE CABINET
Gentlemen, Start Your Speculations

By STEVE GORDON

Barack Obama became president-elect last week, and if the mainstream news media have anything to do with it, his selection of members for Cabinet will be the most important thing to happen in the world. Ever. Since the Bush policy of hiring recruits fresh out of the Cobra Command Academy didn’t fare so well, Obama will have to devise a new strategy for selecting a strong team. The president-elect has quite a challenge ahead of him, so here is a helpful list of the best possible candidates.

Secretary of State – Sarah Palin
Palin is the best choice for the foreign affairs position of Secretary of State. Since the election, a number of McCain strategists have come forth with complaints about Palin’s incompetence, including the astonishing account that the former vice-presidential nominee had been unable to name all of the countries in North America. Canada America Mexico. Done. So by “best choice,” I guess I meant “worst, most distressing, gun-in-the-mouth, plane-to-the-towers choice.” But come on, do we really need to go around paying for the kit anytime a head of state gets raped?

Secretary of Defense – The X-Men
Look, Wolverine’s got adamantium claws, Storm does the weather thing, and Cyclops shoots fucking lasers out of his eyes. The choice for Defense Secretary is obvious. And the fact that these heroes haven’t already been nominated to such a high government position really shows how archaic our attitude towards mutants is. Obama can really prove his tolerance by selecting The X-Men, provided they pass a not-gay test.

Attorney General – C.J. from San Andreas
C.J. knows a little bit about law enforcement, having spent most of the 90s trying to evade crooked cops. Obama has said he is looking for people who don’t necessarily agree with him. C.J. wouldn’t be afraid to stand up to the president, before slicing his throat, taking his money and stealing his ride. And after years of cabinet members getting into serious trouble for breaking the law, it would be nice to have an Attorney General who just has to get a new paint job for his car to get away from the law scot-free.

Secretary of the Treasury – The Ghost of Karl Marx
Obama’s first sort-of-act of sort-of-office has been to advocate shoveling a few billion dollars to American automakers who accidentally forgot to be competitive, functioning corporations. This shows that he is bent on taking money from hard-working whites and giving it to lazy blacks, and not that he is seriously indebted to the corporations that funded his campaign and will continue to run his presidency. A bonus to selecting Ghost Marx is that many Americans may mistake him for railroad industry magnate, Ghost of Frederick Douglass.

Secretary of Energy – Billy Mays
I may not completely understand what the Energy Secretary’s responsibilities include, but there is one thing I can say with complete certainty: Billy Mays has liquid cocaine for blood. The sun spends a week in bed with tuna and saltines after he sees the amount of energy expended in a single OxiClean TV spot. So rigorous a human, Billy Mays could sneak into your house and sell you your own dick for three easy payments of $19.95. Your own dick.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Lil Wayne
That Lil Wayne is so hot right now. His last album sold millions of copies, garnered positive reviews from everyone from Pitchfork to the BBC, and firmly established the artists as officially “so hot right now.” Not much of a record in government or public policy, but with white conservatives shitting themselves out of fear that Obama is going to turn the White House into a nonstop Rap, Sex and Crunk party, Lil Wayne is probably our best hope that that actually does happen, and that everyone won’t have shat themselves in vain.

Veterans Affairs – Rambo
Not Rahmbo Emmanuel, the real one. John Rambo knows war is hell. He was there. But he also knows it’s almost easier than not-war. No one can better empathize with vets who come home from war only to suffer from physical and mental health problems. Rambo will take on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, What-Were-They-Injecting-Me-With Syndrome, and Strangle-My-Wife-In-Our-Sleep Disease, no matter how many cops he has to kill in the process.

Secretary of Homeland Security – Hillary Clinton
HRod is a tough political figure these days. To switch gears for a moment, Sasquatch Rock Parties are a not uncommonly reported phenomenon. Many people throughout American history have claimed to have intruded, intentionally or not, into the territory of one or several bigfoots, whose recalcitrant response is to hurl rocks and boulders at the perceived threat. It can be a quite horrendous ordeal. Well, anyway, HClinty would make a perfect Nine-Eleven Czar.

Secretaries of the Interior, Agriculture, Commerce, Labor, Health and Human Services, Education, and Transportation – The Chicago Seven
While some of Obama’s questionable pals brought the candidate last minute scrutiny before the election, this set of 60s radicals went surprisingly unnoticed throughout the campaign. These hippies were charged with inciting a riot during the 1968 Democratic National Convention. Obama was there, shaking hands with the freakiest freakies, and throwing rocks at cops. Obama should force these Chill Bros to use their power at these seven cabinet positions to reverse the detrimental effects of hippie culture on today’s society. A bunch of kids who smoke weed, eat Taco Bell, and watch Family Guy no longer constitute a counterculture. And Obama could also create a new cabinet position and select Bobby Seale to run it, but then change his mind at the last minute and sentence Seale to prison for contempt instead.



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