Beast Banner December 2008
ISSUE #133
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Features

ArrowA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES
You need to be more like us

ArrowTHE GREAT SHAME
Bush's legacy is our failure

Allan Uthman

ArrowA MILLION LITTLE PUNDITS
Memoirs of a fake political junkie
Ian Murphy

ArrowBACK TO THE FUTILE
Guess those old politics aren't so bad after all
Anchor Downs

ArrowRACE TO THE CABINET
Gentlemen, start your speculations
Steve Gordon

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part Too: Bongo Burger
John Dolan

ArrowTHE 25th YEAR AFTER
The nuclear winter of our discontent
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowWE WON & THAT'S NOT A PANDA
My Epiphany in the No-Spin Zone
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowDULLEMITE
How to make fun of a black president
Ian Murphy

ArrowSMARTISTS FOR OBAMA
Fear of a Barack Planet
Michael J. Smith

ArrowTHE *TRUTH* ABOUT HUSSEIN OBAMA
Coming soon to an inbox near you
Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Menacing Anachronism

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowInsano-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, expressed cryptically in the form of the stupidest election-related lines we’ve read all month!

[sic] - Your letters

 

    By IAN MURPHY

    Let’s face it: Barack Obama just isn’t funny. He’s sort of gangly and he has big ears. That’s it. But the man’s going to lead the free world; he must be effectively derided and satirized. Anything less would be un-American! But Obama’s race has been a challenge to the work-a-day satirist, too. What can we say? How far is too far? Does mocking the Obama administration come with a free membership to a white power group? And does that membership entitle one to discounts at Sam’s club? It’s hard to say.

    There’s no doubt that Barry represents a change in American politics, and to help you, the reader and terrified pundits, with the apparent changes inherent an Obama presidency, here’s a convenient list of cowardly, borderline acceptable ways of commenting on “the first black president.” Enjoy, you bigot:

  • The first president who wouldn’t look completely ridiculous with a bald head.
  • The first menthol presidency.
  • The first president to not be able to hail a cab.
  • The first president who won’t smell like a wet dog after swimming.
  • The first president who can’t get head lice—no matter how unclean or inarticulate, according to his Vice Persident.
  • The first president to move second if he were a chess piece.
  • The first president to die first in an action film.
  • The first president who’d even consider using mayonnaise as a hair treatment product.
  • The first president at risk of developing Sickle-cell anemia.
  • The first president that must pretend to be bad at bowling, because seeing that black ball smash those white pins, would frighten retirees in gated communities.
  • The first president whose hip-hop sales would increase if he were shot.
  • The first president who could conceivably have hip-hop sales—aside from William Howard Taft, who recited his first State of the Union in bombastic 12-bar freestyle.
  • The first president to be romantically involved with a black woman—that he didn’t own!
  • The first Huxtable president.
  • The first president whose offspring have the statistical mortality rate of children in Bangladesh.
  • The first president who could be pulled over and beaten by police simply for driving a nice car. And Air Force One? Forget-about-it!
  • The first president whose uniformed attackers would be acquitted of all charges—even if it was caught on video. (“I thought he was reaching for a gun, but it was just hope!”)
  • The first president who can make white women uncomfortable in elevators.
  • The first president who wouldn’t think putting chicken on waffles was some horrible mistake.
  • The first president whose black children weren’t a tightly held secret.
  • The first president who wouldn’t look out of place on a box of instant rice, pudding or Cream of Wheat.
  • The first president that Don Imus just isn’t allowed to talk about.
  • The first modern president who won’t feel totally guilty while watching “Roots”.
  • The first president to flinch at the title “Minority Whip.”
  • The first president to cut pork from the budget strictly for barbeque concerns.
  • The first president capable of moderating his policies, yet unwilling to moderate his volume at the movies.
  • The first president who, no matter how well he performs, can’t be called “one of the good ones.”
  • The first president to make the White House feel insecure about its manhood.
  • The first president who can call another man “baby” and sound cool doing it.
  • The first president who can be admiringly referred to as “Big Brother.”
  • The first president whose head can be Photoshopped onto NBA slam dunk contest winners.
  • The first president to make the position “White House Sunburn Advisor” seem doubly implausible.
  • The first president who can recite Chris Rock’s “they spinnin’!” bit without getting beaten up.
  • The first president to deny the deliciousness of watermelon—for political reasons.
  • The first president to be less than a thousand generations removed from his African DNA.
  • The first president who’s forbidden to date Pat Buchanan’s daughters.
  • The first president to diminish the accomplishments of George Washington Carver—since Jimmy Carter.
  • The first president who’s deft at employing the suffix “izzle.”
  • The first president to make Wayne Brady seem inexcusably black.
  • The first president to effectively deflect criticism by saying, “It’s a president thing; you wouldn’t understand.”
  • The first president to rightly believe that sandals should never be worn with socks.
  • The first president to truly think grits are an acceptable foodstuff.
  • The first president who can sing both the Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney parts of “Ebony and Ivory.”
  • The first president to make Bill Clinton look like Edgar Winter.
  • The first president who can both pop, and lock, without the approval of congress.
  • The first president to make the economy more palitable with hot sauce alone.
  • The first president who could be impeached simply for barking like DMX.
  • And finally, the first president to be mercilessly pigeonholed because of his melanin.

We hope this has been both educational and fun. But remember, kids, if you laughed, you too are a racist!



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