Beast Banner December 2008
ISSUE #133
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Features

ArrowA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES
You need to be more like us

ArrowTHE GREAT SHAME
Bush's legacy is our failure

Allan Uthman

ArrowA MILLION LITTLE PUNDITS
Memoirs of a fake political junkie
Ian Murphy

ArrowBACK TO THE FUTILE
Guess those old politics aren't so bad after all
Anchor Downs

ArrowRACE TO THE CABINET
Gentlemen, start your speculations
Steve Gordon

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part Too: Bongo Burger
John Dolan

ArrowTHE 25th YEAR AFTER
The nuclear winter of our discontent
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowWE WON & THAT'S NOT A PANDA
My Epiphany in the No-Spin Zone
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowDULLEMITE
How to make fun of a black president
Ian Murphy

ArrowSMARTISTS FOR OBAMA
Fear of a Barack Planet
Michael J. Smith

ArrowTHE *TRUTH* ABOUT HUSSEIN OBAMA
Coming soon to an inbox near you
Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Menacing Anachronism

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowInsano-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, expressed cryptically in the form of the stupidest election-related lines we’ve read all month!

[sic] - Your letters

  A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES

As readers of The New York Times, we get it. We are the segment of the population that is actually paying attention to what we’re supposed to. We are small business owners, politicians, corporate managers, finance, insurance and real estate executives, lawyers, doctors, college professors, engineers and computer programmers. We’re even bohemian peace-loving vegan environmentalists that love art, the theater and Barack Obama. And we care.

You see, when you read “All the news that’s fit to print,” you obviously know much more than the average citizen – the “Joe the Plumbers” if you will, hah, hah, hah. Sorry about that. This is not a time for levity. We come to these pages out of our sense of duty as well-informed readers. We know what’s worth reading and what’s not. We believe that we have to make sure people act responsibly. Therefore, we would like to take time here, as a public service to Beast readers and the nation, to advise and warn you that The Beast is not at all worth reading and in fact can damage your wellbeing.
As good citizens we have to make choices, and choosing not to read The Beast is one choice any intelligent and sincere person would obviously make. The Beast is not serious at all, and in light of the most important election in the history of all elections ever, it is time for all of us to get to the serious business of getting America back on the right track of being the greatest country ever.

This a momentous time, and there are many tasks that we are being counted on to support in order for them to succeed. There are financial troubles to be overcome, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq to be won, terrorists to be killed, the climate to be tamed and, of course, Iranian mullahs, Russian fascists and Chinese communists to be put in their place. In order to accomplish all that we must, it is necessary to place our trust in the guidance of The New York Times. This is no time to be reading The Beast, with its unfunny jokes and disrespect toward politicians and business leaders. If you are going to help, then such silliness must be shunned.

There has been a lot of talk these days about a looming recession. Most of this talk is just going to get you worried, and fear is something FDR told us not to fear. Read The Times; you’ll feel so much better. You’ll see there are very smart people like Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke in charge, and they know what they are doing. If that isn’t enough, then look at Warren Buffet! The sage from Omaha and the smartest investor of all time recently scribed an article in The Times that us smart people found most enlightening and reassuring. He said, “I’ve been buying American stocks.” You know why? Because, he said, “Over the long term, the stock market news will be good.” Good! Did you hear that! Good! He said things would be good! That’s why reading The Times is so important. These are words that touch the heart and ease the mind, because their simplicity and brilliance come from the mouth of such an exceptionally wealthy man. Where else than in The New York Times could you find such comfort?

It’s important to remember that we have not yet quite won the war in Iraq, while we have always known we would win. And now with the great success of The Surge, and with the election of Barack Obama, we know that it’s just a matter of time. While there may have been much ado about the justifications for the war, we all knew deep down that The Times would not let us down. All we had to do was trust The Times to get us through, and it has. The complaints about The Times going along with the Bush Administration’s lies in order to justify the war are ancient history, and should be forgotten now that the war is so clearly soon to be over.

The same thing goes for Afghanistan. With victory in Iraq all but sealed, we cannot forget about this war. Some are questioning our resolve. They are misguided, and obviously not reading The Times. Its November 15 editorial, titled “A Military for a Dangerous New World,” said it all. We “must be able to defeat the Taliban and Al Qaeda in Afghanistan—and keep pursuing Al Qaeda forces around the world.” And to do this, “the military needs the 65,000 additional Army troops and the 27,000 additional marines that Congress finally pushed President Bush into seeking.”

There is much more to say, but action is what is called for. So the next time you see a Times reader at coffee shop with a copy of The Times conspicuously protruding from under their arm and a confident, determined look that says, “I read The Times, and I’m sophisticated and intelligent,” think to yourself how nice it would be to be just that way. You can!

The first step is easy, even in a dreary, depressing, cultural black hole like Buffalo, New York, where The Beast roosts. You can free yourself with a subscription to the newspaper that boasts, “There’s The Times and then there’s everything else.” Soon you’ll be saying informed-sounding things to your family and friends, just like they do in The Times television ad. You’ll be saying things about The Times like, “It tells me, in depth, what I want to know,” or “It is such a useful tool for living in the world,” or “I carry it with me everywhere,” or “Everything is very well written,” or “It makes you feel like, ‘I’m in the know’,” or “It helps keep me inspired.” We could go on and on, and so could you, if you put your mind to it.

By reading The New York Times, you’ll forget all about The Beast. You won’t need to concern yourself with the fact that The Beast will continue its diligent advocacy for rapacious socialism and total disrespect for authority. Because the really infuriating thing about The Beast is not that it is a craven cheerleader for destroying all that is good about America; that’s its job. What is really disgusting is how easy it is for it to convince its annoying and uneducated peasant readers that it’s telling them the truth. You don’t want to end up like that, do you? So please, put down The Beast and ignore it. If not for yourself, then for the sake of your children, Jesus Christ and all of us.



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