Beast Banner December 2008
ISSUE #133
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Features

ArrowA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES
You need to be more like us

ArrowTHE GREAT SHAME
Bush's legacy is our failure

Allan Uthman

ArrowA MILLION LITTLE PUNDITS
Memoirs of a fake political junkie
Ian Murphy

ArrowBACK TO THE FUTILE
Guess those old politics aren't so bad after all
Anchor Downs

ArrowRACE TO THE CABINET
Gentlemen, start your speculations
Steve Gordon

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part Too: Bongo Burger
John Dolan

ArrowTHE 25th YEAR AFTER
The nuclear winter of our discontent
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowWE WON & THAT'S NOT A PANDA
My Epiphany in the No-Spin Zone
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowDULLEMITE
How to make fun of a black president
Ian Murphy

ArrowSMARTISTS FOR OBAMA
Fear of a Barack Planet
Michael J. Smith

ArrowTHE *TRUTH* ABOUT HUSSEIN OBAMA
Coming soon to an inbox near you
Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Menacing Anachronism

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowInsano-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, expressed cryptically in the form of the stupidest election-related lines we’ve read all month!

[sic] - Your letters

 

This issue:
INSANOSCOPES!
Your horoscope in the form of the stupidest election-related lines we’ve read all month!

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
“I like Sarah Palin... I can see how smart she is... There is a powerful clarity of consciousness in her eyes. She uses language with the jumps, breaks and rippling momentum of a be-bop saxophonist.” -Camille Paglia

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
“Big Brother had nothing on the Obamas. They plan to herd American youth into government-funded reeducation camps where they’ll be brainwashed into thinking America is a racist, oppressive place in need of ‘social change.’” -Investor’s Business Daily editorial

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
“The people who believe Obama is the Antichrist are perhaps jumping to conclusions, but they’re not nuts...” -Lisa Miller, Newsweek

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
“The feminists have continued their campaign against marriage through Joe Biden’s favorite legislation, the Violence Against Women Act, which provides a billion dollars a year to feminist centers to promote divorce and oppose reconciliation.” -Phyllis Schlafly

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
“What is the answer, then, for conservative Evangelicals who are rightly concerned about...the living arrangements of same- and opposite-sex couples?” -Cal Thomas

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
“Palin offered something different... Many consider her a refreshing citizen-politician in the old mold, one that Thomas Jefferson would be proud to meet.” -Kathryn Jean Lopez, National Review

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
“Obama wants to gas the Jews, like the PLO wants to gas the Jews, like the Nazis gassed the Jews.” -Bill Cunningham

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
“The Obama recession is in full swing... This is an Obama recession. Might turn into a depression. It’s—he hadn’t done anything yet, but his ideas are killing the economy.” -Rush Limbaugh

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
“First woman Vice Presidential candidate [Sarah Palin].” -Time

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
“No matter what law they pass, do not --repeat, not--ever register any of your firearms.” -G. Gordon Liddy

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
“There is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment. I think it is prepared to use the government if it can get control of it. I think that it is a very dangerous threat to anybody who believes in traditional religion.” -Newt Gingrich

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
“...the vast majority [sic] of white Americans didn’t give a fluff about skin color and enthusiastically pulled the voting lever for a black man... All those “black studies” programs must now teach kids to thank Whitey. And I want that on the final.” -Tom Adkins, Philadelphia Inquirer



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