Beast Banner December 2008
ISSUE #133
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Features

ArrowA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES
You need to be more like us

ArrowTHE GREAT SHAME
Bush's legacy is our failure

Allan Uthman

ArrowA MILLION LITTLE PUNDITS
Memoirs of a fake political junkie
Ian Murphy

ArrowBACK TO THE FUTILE
Guess those old politics aren't so bad after all
Anchor Downs

ArrowRACE TO THE CABINET
Gentlemen, start your speculations
Steve Gordon

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part Too: Bongo Burger
John Dolan

ArrowTHE 25th YEAR AFTER
The nuclear winter of our discontent
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowWE WON & THAT'S NOT A PANDA
My Epiphany in the No-Spin Zone
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowDULLEMITE
How to make fun of a black president
Ian Murphy

ArrowSMARTISTS FOR OBAMA
Fear of a Barack Planet
Michael J. Smith

ArrowTHE *TRUTH* ABOUT HUSSEIN OBAMA
Coming soon to an inbox near you
Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Menacing Anachronism

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowInsano-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, expressed cryptically in the form of the stupidest election-related lines we’ve read all month!

[sic] - Your letters

 

SOCIAL STICKLER

I read the whole thing [Allan Uthman, “Let’s Get Social,” issue 132], but the essay began with ‘true facts’ which reminds me of most of the knee-jerk right-wing arguments. “Bush is the 6th best President we ever had. Sorry, but those are the facts!” I would feel more comfortable reading it if there were some damned facts or statistics to back up the assertions of the ‘best countries’. For example throw in some mortality rates, incarceration rates and self-reported happiness measurements.

On the other hand, I hadn’t picked up on the idea that they have to move away from the liberal label as it must not be working. Good catch. I doubt that we will ever get to the point where labels are replaced by whole arguments, but maybe that’s a start.
jperry

Dear jperry,
Do we really have to drag out the same damn statistics? It’s obvious from your letter that you already know European social democracies seriously outclass us in the numbers you mention and many others. It’s true we don’t always cite sources for our facts, but they are actually facts, and that’s the difference between us and the knee-jerkers. But that is a surprising stat about Bush, never would have guessed.

IGOR’S LAMENT

A small distinction

“I find the Republicans to be evil, and I find the Democrats to be idiots.” ["Crock the Vote," issue 132]

Alas, though no one wants to say it, I think that the American electorate, myself included, is also culpable. In theory, the government serves us, not vice versa. At some point we either have to take the power back or settle for unconditional surrender. There is no middle ground when dealing with evil and idiots.
I love conservatives, but hate Republicans. - Abraham Lincoln, October 2008
tailgunnerjim

Dear Jim,
Um, what do you mean, “no one wants to say it”? We want to say it. We’ve been saying it for years. But clearly, there is middle ground, and that’s called bitching on the internet.

BLASPHEMY

W.V. Grant Jr. [Ian Murphy, “The Wrath of Con,” issue 128]-- This supposed faith healer is in our town now! I went the first night and was amazed but very skeptical.

I read your article and went back down to the church to investigate further.

He is a fraud for sure! Very entertaining...like a magic show.

I am just disapointed...because the rest of the congregation love him and think he is healing them! This is a small town, full of hard working people and he is taking their money!

Dear Whoever,
Maybe you should tell them. Then again, maybe you should recognize that you’ve been enjoying a much less entertaining (but just as fraudulent) magic show every Sunday. You should talk to Grant—you could probably get a few bucks as a shill.

THINKY SLEEPY

NEWS TIP - Scientist discovers natural phenomenon that answers any question you have

Physicist, Gabriel Agbasi, discovered a natural occurring phenomenon.

The ability of having every question you have answered overnight.

Using the simplicity of a child’s game of “making a wish”.

Gabriel attached the idea of “making a wish” with the ideas of “asking for Truth”
in a question and sleep.

And voila! A dream is shot right at the person, the same night, answering their question.

By saying the simple phrase out loud:
“I WISH TO KNOW THE TRUTH + (ATTACH ANY QUESTION HERE)?”

Then going to sleep - the person asking the question gets the answer
in a dream that same night.

Gabriel Agbasi calls this unique natural phenomenon: “Sleep Programming”.
Gabriel Agbasi

Dear Gabriel,
Congratulations! You have discovered a phenomena heretofore only reported in the “Great Brain” series of children’s books. Tonight, try saying, “I WISH TO KNOW THE TRUTH: Why do I refer to myself in the third person, like a classic douchbag?”

WEIRD AL HAS LOST IT

Ever since the campaigns started
My TV’s no longer my old friend
The Beast speaks words of wisdom:
Let It End

And when the bullshit stories
Are the same on Fox as CNN
The Beast speaks words of wisdom:
Let It End

Let it end, let it end
Let it end, God Let It End
Before I claw my eyes out
Let It End..

(Sorry, couldn’t resist)

D. Armenta

DON’T GET UP

Wait, I just thought of another verse:

And when the brokenhearted people
Realize it’s all pretend
The Beast has got the answer:
Let It End

It smells like someone farted--
No, that’s Shephard Smith on “Voter Trends”
The Beast speaks words of wisdom:
Let It End.

Sorry for being so silly, writers; I just got the Nov. issue and it’s the first time I’ve laughed since October 28th.

I’m a little giddy now; thank you all, especially Allan Uthman, Alison Kilkenny, Ian Murphy, Steve Gordon and Joe Bageant.

Can I still renew my subscription?
D. Armenta

OK NOW WE’RE ANNOYED

Sorry, but if I don’t send you guys the last verse it will drive me bonkers, and misery loves company:

“And when my mind is cloudy
and I’m trying to clear my head again,
I close my eyes and whisper:
Let It End

I wake up to the sound of bullshit,
Hillary’s on Fox and Friends,
Screeching about “tomorrow”
Let It End!!

***Okay, I’m letting it end now. Thanks for your patience.

Regards,

D. Armenta

Dear D.,
You have no idea.

AN IDEA

I think people should get married and never file legal papers (if they’re into marriage that is) as a protest of the sad and embarrasing laws that have passed in California and elsewhere. The text of the california bill actually says that “Only marriage bewteen a man and a woman will be valid or recognized in California” If heathen marriages everywhere (straight and gay) were suddenly religious events only, it might point out to the egocentrist religious folk that they shouldn’t be meddling with the governement.
Patrick Harold

Dear Patrick,
Nah, it really wouldn’t. Nothing would.

GROSS ETHICS

Please reread “crock the vote” [issue 132]. As a conversation between two friends, it was interesting, but as an informative interview, it failed to reference or explain anything to me. It assumed I already knew and agreed with the charges, and then just went off on a long string of liberal ire. Sure, I go off on long strings of liberal ire all the time, but I am not a journalist. Next time, read it over before printing and ask: is this the kind of thing a 9-11 truth nut would send to his conservative office workers? Because while voter fraud is a real issue, this article would not have passed that test and it has absolutely no credibility attached. Also, please; when you write things that are unbelievable, you must CITE them, or else I will be frustrated, because as much as I want to, I won’t allow myself to believe them.
andrew gross

Dear Andrew,
Dude, seriously. Everything we referenced in the interview is available, with links to mainstream sources, at the blog named after the guy we interviewed, Brad Friedman, which we mentioned at the beginning of the interview. Did you really want a hundred or so bracketed notes that all read the same thing, “see bradblog.com, like we already said, and is pretty much the whole point of this interview”? At some point, you have to let go of our hand and ride the bike yourself, Andrew. And we’ve got news for you: Your conservative friends are less likely to believe a detailed Washington Post article than an unsolicited, all-caps e-mail that tells them Obama is the Antichrist, so they’re not much of a standard of credibility.

JOE THE ASSHOLE

“Who the hell has $250k in the bank”? [Joe Bageant, "Broker English," issue 132] Are you kidding?.. Guess what? Reasonable hard working people do. I would say, umm, real people do.

I’m 24, I moved from Russia to Canada less than a year ago. I was brought up in lower middle class single-mother family with younger sister... The only noticeable thing we got out of socialist system is free 2-room (1-bedroom by US standards) condo for 3 people and my appendix removal operation. I flunked most of the education (except math), mostly to get a piece of paper called diploma, because Russian socialist programming education, all except math, is utter piece of crap. I guess mine/family’s taxes (over-)paid for most of the above.

Still, somehow I have $22k in the bank in Russia and about $20k in Canada by now; I didn’t do anything regular except job (and freelancing back in Russia) - and I don’t save pennies, for example yesterday I got a limited edition of a $50 game on ebay for $300 just because I want it. Somehow my mostly-reasonable spending and lack of mindless consumerism allows by saving...

Guess what? If I ever get $250k at that rate, I’d bloody care that it stays there. Moreover, if I ever get into those N ppl that have more money than many-times-N people, I wouldn’t give a damn about these more-than-N people and sure as hell I wouldn’t sacrifice my wave pool for their health insurance. Help for seriously disabled - sure, what percentage of population are them? Education grants for persistent and/or gifted children - sure, how many are out there? But I don’t understand why socialists want people who do work to pay in bulk for “educating”, healing, and sometimes even accommodating and feeding, morons and losers?

Am I an exception? From my experience, even in Russia, I had an impression that most people who do business or work a good job and make themselves are not what your site describes them as, and it’s not the case - most of better-off people, inheritance aside, do deserve to be better off than most others. Even people who just work a honest job like my mother (electrical engineer/accountant) somehow managed to get by semi decently with two children in an economic hell-hole that Russia in the 90ies was.

It is a pity that most of the American upper/middle class has been brainwashed into wishful thinking about human nature/equality of all humans regardless of merit and helping others as a working economic prototype, and thus “voting against their economic self-interest”, but I wonder what drives you as pundits?

I subscribed to your site after “Let there be retards” articles, that was just fabulous, but with every article I read now I see that basically, you are against me, as a class. Whether I would have been an electrical engineer or software developer, productive and minding my own business what you want to do is basically take part of my earned money, divide them into two parts - one spent on bureaucracy, pork spending/waste/corruption (underline based on country), and such, and another given to people who can, but wouldn’t, get themselves out of the deep they got themselves into in the first place.

And no, I don’t believe that differences will be small and that “it’s not really about taxes” - look at Europe, where Obamas of the day has long prevailed. There are countless cases, but the best illustration is probably the semi-secret document leaked by whatever British crazy-right-wing party that managed to get a seat with access to it, about asylum seekers. I read excepts, and it made my hair stand up on my head. Mandatory TV with subscription? Regulated blinds, lighting, furniture, allowance? For a person who is never actually going to produce anything except more children living on welfare? Nice, sure, have my money! Knowing someone from Bangladesh is going to get a free ride with plasma TV and whatnot is what makes me get up in the morning and go to work, elementary biology/ethology be damned. We are all wonder-people of new, socialist/communist edge.

Do you really believe all people are “good at heart”? Or do you just want equal sharing of miseries, regardless of merit? What drives you to attack the productive and promote the losers?
Sergey Shelukhin

Dear Sergei,
1.5% of U.S. households have incomes of $250,000 or more. That’s households, not individuals. So by your definition, less than one in a hundred people is “real.”

You don’t flunk because the education system is shitty. You flunk because it’s hard. Judging by your assessment, we’d guess there’s a serious deficiency in the math department.

So you have forty thousand in the bank. If you ever make 250k a year at that rate... oh, wait. You will never make 250k a year at that rate. You are exactly the kind of dipshit that the “Joe the Plumber” PR campaign was designed for: A poor loser who thinks he’s going to be rich, and hates the idea of non-whites benefiting from his work. You should have moved to Somalia.

No, we do not believe people are good at heart; we believe most of them are spiteful, shit-hearted scroungers like you. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t need to be compelled to help the needy, they would just help them directly.

KNEEL BEFORE GLOD

writing too let u know i have a big idea.this idea is soo big we can make bags of money.in to bags of glod

dont know if u gonna write back.but love your book..
danny from bronx

Dear Danny,
Bags of glod? Man, we could really use some glod! And all we need to get the glod is bags of money? Your big idea must be airtight and well-planned, seeing as you can almost read and write! And now we’re done.

DATELESS

It would as a practical matter be helpful to me and, I think, to others, and might also strengthen your own credibility, if you would include the date of publication on the same page with the article -- I find none on this one. Thank you.

Dear Eyepatch,
Well, it’s not surprising you couldn’t find it, what with us hiding up in the upper right corner of the page and all.

PWND!

Dear Beast,

You have a typo on your front page: “A FRIENDLY WARNING *FORM* THE AMERICAN DOLLAR.”

Get an editor who knows what the h--- they are doing.

Respectfully,

Tim Hadley
Springfield, Missouri

Dear Tim,
Thats spelled “hell.” Please make a note of it. And the guy who typed it is a web designer. And the fact that he’s also our editor is irrelevant. Or is it irrevelant?

PUBLIC SERVANTS

New Idea
On a different (non-election) subject:
Billions are being wasted to keep millions of jail inmates in dangerous retirement. I propose that they be put to work, in prison, at the productive, meaningful tasks that will benefit society. Producing useful products or providing services of general use. Use American ingenuity to turn lemons into lemonade.

Charles Dunaief

Dear Charles,
We’re sure you mean well, but you’re talking about forced labor. We’re sure that it wouldn’t lead to a pattern of wrongful convictions in order to increase the prison-slave workforce, but... actually, yes it would. This is already happening, by the way.

GREAT WHITE? NOPE

hey gang, I just want all you faggots to know that my cousin Joe is the greatest guy in the world and you should vote is greasy ass into office! I mean, he was a boxer for Christ sake! He narrowly defeated residents of several fine Erie County nursing homes before finally getting his bell rung by a sneaky bastard who is just shy of being old enough to collect social security! Just remember a vote for Joe Mesi is a vote for doing coke and punching bar patrons in the face!

Jim Mesi

Dear Jim,
Well, now we’re sad he lost. A slogan like that would have gone a long way with us.



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