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ISSUE #134
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ArrowA NEW YEAR'S GREETING from Mohammed Ajmal Kasab Iman
The last Mumbai terrorist says hi!

ArrowTHE BEAST 50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE IN AMERICA, 2008
Get ready to write an angry e-mail

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part III:
John Dolan

ArrowCHANGE YOU CAN SMOKE?
Is Obama smart enough to end the drug war?
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowINVASION OF THE OUTSIDERS
A people's plague
Anchor Downs

ArrowHOW TO RUN AN ELECTION
Minnesota gets it right
Brad Friedman

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Race-baiting Hysteric

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

THE BEAST 50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE IN AMERICA, 2008

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30. Antonin Scalia

Charges: The bullet-shaped conservative justice should have stuck to his old policy of not allowing anyone to record him, because the more we see of him, the worse he seems. Scalia drew back the curtain on his legendary mind last April on "60 Minutes," revealing the legal acumen of a gibbon with a Magic 8-ball. Asked about the legal atrocity of Bush v. Gore, Nino bravely replied, "Gee, I really don't want to get into, I mean this is—get over it, it's so old by now." This about a 2000 decision, perhaps the least legally defensible in recent history, which has had and will continue to have an incalculable impact on this country and the world. Scalia has sebaceous cysts older than Bush v. Gore. But it was Scalia's asinine, compartmentalized semantic parsing on torture that we hoped would give pause to his lionizers. Arguing that torture isn't "cruel and unusual punishment" because the subject hasn't been convicted of a crime, so he can't be "punished," the so-called Constitutional Originalist puts the framers in the awkward position of saying that it's wrong to beat up a convicted criminal, but it's just dandy to kick the shit out of him before he is even charged.

Exhibit A: “Mere factual innocence is no reason not to carry out a death sentence properly reached.”

Sentence: Broken on the wheel by James Madison.

29. Mary Matalin

Charges: Surgically mortified face creates the impression of a barely passable “earthling” mask worn by an insectoid alien, a possibility credited by her gradually digesting husband and her consistent locus at the Republican Party’s shifting center of evil. From Chief of Staff for original Mayberry Machiavelli Lee Atwater to Adviser to George W. Bush, Counselor to Dick Cheney and member of the best sales team in history, the White House Iraq Group, Matalin has served in more unholy positions than Jenna Jameson. To this day, Matalin simply denies the well-documented story of Atwater’s deathbed repentance, which is not surprising considering her main skill is obscuring reality. Matalin’s main contribution to undermining the truth and bolstering closet racism this year was publishing World Net Daily plagiarizing lunatic Jerome Corsi’s Obama Nation, a collection of blatant falsehoods that didn’t come close to meriting its non-fiction categorization, in her role as “Editor” of Threshold Books, a conservative imprint that inestimably diminishes Simon and Schuster’s prestige by its simple existence. Matalin called the book, riddled with easily debunked lies, “a piece of scholarship,” claiming it “does not set out to be a political book,” while Corsi himself said “the goal is to defeat Obama.”

Exhibit A: This is a crime and -- and he did not commit a crime. He had a mis-remembrance of when it was that he heard about it, but clearly he's not one of the guys that revealed it in the first place, which the revelation of such was not a crime.”

Sentence: Sex with James Carville.

28. Frank Caliendo

Charges: The retarded man's Rich Little, Caliendo has been irritating Americans for nearly a decade, gaining recognition as the implausibly fat impressionist on the lethally unfunny "MADtv". Nicholson, De Niro, Shatner, Seinfeld.... no impression is too hackneyed for Caliendo, who mimics them all with the skill you'd expect from the hypertensive "funny guy" at the office. The only thing that could have made “Fox NFL Sunday” any worse was two John Maddens. Mission Accomplished, dickbag.

Exhibit A: His TBS vehicle, "Frank TV," is the least amusing thing to appear on television since the morning of September 11, 2001.

Sentence: New impersonation: The rotting corpse of Marcel Marceau.

27. Peggy Noonan

Charges: A Catholic hysteric who should be submitting poems about her kitty cats to online poetry-contest scams, Noonan’s call for “Patriotic Grace,” which is nothing more than a call for liberals to stop picking on Republicans for being wrong all the time, comes a little late, after actively helping the most despicable, character assassination-driven campaigns of her lifetime. Like her fellow elite conservative columnist David Brooks, Noonan feigned admiration for Sarah Palin until she got caught expressing her true opinion during an MSNBC commercial break, saying "it's over," and that McCain opted for “political bullshit about narratives.” Horrified at having her actual thoughts revealed and not the “graceful” bullshit she feeds her readers, Noonan scrambled to spin the extemporization, but eventually admitted Palin’s selection represented a “vulgarization” of politics, as if that was something new. She loved Bush when America did, and hated him when America did, and pretended she’d felt that way all along. An opinion columnist is supposed to express her opinion, not ours. Noonan is still writing speeches, but her vanity is her only client.

Exhibit A: “Intellectuals start all the trouble in the world.”

Sentence: Chained like Prometheus to a rock, to undergo a cycle of pregnancies and abortions for eternity.

26. Tila Tequila

Charges: A silicon “bisexual” whose purported attraction to women has led to her rise as reality show oxygen thief, self-proclaimed “Queen of Myspace” and horrible “musician.” Her songs make “Hamster on a Piano” sound like the final movement to Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Helping America convert its girls into self-debasing sluts with twisted values, calling themselves “strong women” all the while.

Exhibit A: "I'm shooting a commercial for safe sex. How ironic. Because I don't have that."

Sentence: AIDS.

25. Eliot Spitzer

Charges: A moralistic legal crusader who spent more on poon in an hour than the average American spends on food in a year, Spitzer would be somewhat less loathsome had he not gone after prostitution as a prosecutor. Like every paragon of public ethics, he was in private a mere pervert. That he might have been a decent governor for a state that badly needed one is just one more reason to hate him.

Exhibit A: “Governor Spitzer did not remove his mid-calf length black socks during the sex act.”

Sentence: Rest of life spent as hack columnist for Slate.com.

24. Plaxico Burress

Charges: This Giant prima donna kicked off 2008 by skipping minicamp, watching training camp from the sidelines, whining about his $3.25 million yearly salary and milking a phantom ankle injury. The receiver's laziness and ego resulted in a predictably lackluster year, which ended abruptly at a New York City nightclub, as he overestimated the tensile strength of his sweatpants holster.

Exhibit A: Name sounds like a rheumatoid arthritis medication.

Sentence: Traded to Detroit Lions.

23. John Fund

Charges: Membership on the Wall Street Journal’s editorial board requires that one be a cynical sophist, but the dog-faced Fund actually appears to be in love with lying. Fund has devoted himself lately to muddying up the election fraud issue by selectively promoting mostly spurious tales of ground-level Democratic voter fraud in an effort to obscure more credible stories about the GOP’s top-down machinations.  Fund’s book, Stealing Elections, is replete with phony numbers and discredited stories—he even sources a well-refuted tale to a WSJ editorial he probably wrote. Fund delivers his lies with a sneering smugness that would merit facial pummeling even if he were truthful, but whipping conservatives into a creative frenzy of demonic fabrication against ACORN, creating the lamest conspiracy theory of the year (which even McCain hyperbolized absurdly) based on false registrations that ACORN themselves flagged a suspicious, and none of which could conceivably have led to actual voter fraud, reveals Fund to be against not fraud, but the simple act of registering voters. The endgame here is to pass Voter ID laws that will prevent 20 million legal voters in this country who don’t have the required ID from voting.

Exhibit A: “Republicans focus more on the rule of law.”

Sentence: Malfunctioning Diebold central tabulator flips public referendum on whether Fund should be fed to sharks.

22. PUMAs

Charges: Redefining feminism as “supporting Hillary Clinton, whether she wants you to or not,” and “defending” that feminism by embodying negative stereotypes of women as irrational and scornful, there was no demographic more painfully dumb than aggrieved Hillary backers plotting to defeat Obama. Drunk on a dream of vengeance for their queen, this strange minority picked up every despicable, paranoid, racist talking point they could from the worst of the right wing, even complimenting Sean Hannity on his “fair and balanced” coverage of Obama. Desperately twisting words in a sad attempt to tar Obama as a sexist and willing to subject themselves and their country to a probable assault on reproductive rights in the name of spite, the PUMAs comported themselves with all the dignity and sense of a false rape accusation.

Exhibit A: It’s hard to choose, but nothing was more ridiculous this year than hearing an obscenely rich Hillary fundraiser named “Lady de Rothschild” describe Obama as “an elitist.”

Sentence: President Palin appoints Mullah Omar to Supreme Court.

21. Michelle Malkin

Charges: It’s a remarkable achievement in unconscious projection that the author of a book called Unhinged could lose her fucking marbles over a patterned scarf in a donut ad, but that’s what Michelle Malkin did when she sounded the nutbar clarion call and sicced her half-cocked league of masturbators on Rachel Ray and Dunkin Donuts for the flatly absurd notion that they were sending a message of solidarity with Palestinians. Right, Michelle—you just can’t sell donuts without joining the intifada these days. What did the nauseously spunky Ray do to incur the wrath of the Malkinoids? She wore a black and white scarf. A paisley scarf. A scarf that was clearly not a kaffiyeh, which, by the way, is just a hat that Arabs wear, not some universal symbol of jihad. In terms of completely false outrage, the only thing that rivaled this travesty of reason this year was the “lipstick on a pig” metaphor panic. But what puts this embarrassing sham over the top is that Dunkin Donuts actually apologized and pulled the ad, rather than try to explain to the fact-phobic horde that they were just blind, raging idiots with the collective brain-power of a lobotomized howler monkey.  

Exhibit A: “If your neighbor's got an "Obama '08" bumper sticker or lawn sign, you might want to double-check your door locks at night.”

Sentence: Deported to China for wearing red T-shirt.


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Written by Allan Uthman & Ian Murphy
with contributions from John Dolan, Eileen Jones, Alexander Zaitchik, & IOZ.
Illustrations by Ian Murphy.

Check out Loathsome Lists of the past: 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2002



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