Beast Banner January 2009
ISSUE #134
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Features

ArrowA NEW YEAR'S GREETING from Mohammed Ajmal Kasab Iman
The last Mumbai terrorist says hi!

ArrowTHE BEAST 50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE IN AMERICA, 2008
Get ready to write an angry e-mail

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part III:
John Dolan

ArrowCHANGE YOU CAN SMOKE?
Is Obama smart enough to end the drug war?
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowINVASION OF THE OUTSIDERS
A people's plague
Anchor Downs

ArrowHOW TO RUN AN ELECTION
Minnesota gets it right
Brad Friedman

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Race-baiting Hysteric

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

CAVE NUTS

I am laughing my billion-year evolved balls off here [Ian Murphy, "Let There be Retards," issue 117]! There are tears in my ancient-as-the-planet eyes! Excellent! More, more...

Mark Jacobs

Dear Mark,

You know, you’d think after a billion years they’d look a little less silly.

FOUR POOR YEARS

I am so guilty of this [Ian Murphy, “A Million Little Pundits,” issue 133]. The next day. I flew out of town and into a cabin and feeling like it was a rehab. Coming down from watching the new news, going to both rallies and please the blogs. It was hard coming down from all that junk. But I made it. Hey does anyone now where the next 12 step meeting is.

Evil Reader Amy Schabot

Dear Amy,

No, but the party’s still going baby! The crowd’s a little smaller and more strung out, but we just booted some likeability ratings with Sarah Palin and Caroline Kennedy, and it would have been funkytime if Norm Coleman wasn’t cockblocking.

WE BUILD EXCITEMENT

I’ve seen your American-cars ad three times, and picked it up for my blog as well. You definitely scored on that one. Clever thought, well executed. Congrats.

michael Prager

Dear Michael,

Yes, the “You wouldn’t buy our shitty cars” Big Three ad parody has become almost as popular as Rick Astley.  It was in the New York Post, it was on cable news, and it’s on every blog this side of BoingBoing. It was number one on Digg and there were probably 100 dupes on Reddit.  Hundreds of message boards resonated with the same canned debates about the auto industry. And we didn’t make a dime. Thanks, internet!

QUALITY IS JOB ONE

Satire is supposed to have an element of truth. This is pure truth. Makes me laugh and cry at the same time.

Jay

Dear Jay,

Funny, the only thing that does that to us is hallucinogenic mushrooms. It’s not a good thing to be doing at a bar, though.

ONE PUMP CHUMP

I am not defending GM and those other buffoons totally but I have to say they have built some great cars in the last 10 years. For example the focus was a great car, far better to drive then anything from Toyota(sans MR2), the GTO had style and was a good quality car.

Cars are more then just gas mileage and resale. I would rather drive a GM, Ford or Dodge that is lower build quality(supposedly,however in fact the are much improved in the last 10 years) that has style,and is more exciting to drive then a Toyota. I live in japan now but I hate renting from Toyota rental, all the cars are so boring I almost fall asleep just looking at them let alone driving them. Unless Toyota turns it around quick, they will put the whole world into a passionless hybrid driving world. Where is the passion??? excitement?? damageman

Dear Damage,
First of all, you are totally defending GM and those other buffoons. And secondly, “passion,” seriously? Get over it. Cars are for going from one place to another. They are not supposed to be groin-stroking machines. They actually have those in Japan, don’t they?

TARIFFIC

the bailout, at $83.00 a person (25B divided by 300M) is so much cheaper than actually having to own a domestic. Considering they wanted $3000 to fix an oil leak in my Cadillac, I’ll take my Toyota and an $83.00 bailout any day. I would go ten times that and still be ahead of the game. I have had such good luck with my GM vehicles I say give them $250B if it means I don’t have to own another one of those things.

Npbheights

Dear Npb,

True, but we’d rather pay nothing and still not own one.  

BASED ON A TRUE ASSHOLE

When I was a cab driver in Minneapolis, there was a cello-playing flop-house dwelling guy who would sometimes make me drive him and his cello the three blocks from the cab stand to the flop house. One day, he shoved a bunch of change in my hand and jumped out of the cab. It was about two bucks short of the minimum fare. The next time he got in my cab, I told him that he owed me two dollars from the last trip. Of course, he got all irate and yelled at me about accusing him of being a “bad person,” and gave me four dollars and told me to “COUNT IT!” I said, “I AM going to count it, whenever I have you in the cab.” He left my trunk open when retreiving his shot-box cello.

I don’t know if that is the same guy as in the “true story” this movie is based on [Michael Gildea, “Kino Korner: The Soloist,” issue 132], but if it is, that guy is a fucking asshole.

John Moline

Dear John,

Amazing. Who would have guessed a schizophrenic classical cellist could be unpleasant?

ROCKS DON’T BREAK THEMSELVES

Re: somebody else’s fucked up letter in favor of prison labor

I worked at San Quentin. They are putting people to work. They’re in direct competition with companies in fields such as furniture manufacture and soapmaking that have to pay Chinamen twice as much. In a country with more just trade, labor, and industrial policy, maybe prison labor would have more of an impact. In America, the workingman’s already been utterly hosed. The inmate’s labor is worth about what they get paid. Buncha useless fuckin’ losers and retards, but then, $.25-an-hour isn’t a lot of motivation, either. The profit on their labor doesn’t begin to cover the cost of operating a prison to keep them locked up. From an economic point of view, it’s astoundingly inefficient.

I don’t know that we do incarcerate too many people. There weren’t many guys at Q that didn’t seem to belong in the surroundings. We fuck over an awful lot of people because of our insistence on continuing a moronic, lost cause War on Dope. However, if the casualties of the War on Drugs were all cut loose tomorrow, they’d probably just become casualties of a War on Purse-Snatching or something as soon as they could possibly manage it. The question maybe we should ask ourselves is how our culture is managing to create so many total douchebags.

Reuben Pickering

Dear Reuben,

Yeah, everyone who ever did drugs probably deserves to be in jail. Bush was a cokehead, and look how badly he fucked up.

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS

You guys suck. You sit there and act as if the republicans are evil and democrats are our saviors. Get your heads out of your asses and realize that politicians are douche bags, all of them. Obama promised change, now hes bringing back the Clinton administration. Oh its “change from the Bush administration” Yes, but thats not the change he ran on.

Jeff Brzyski

Dear Jeff,

Wow, what an eye-opener! You mean that Obama’s victory will not bring much in the way of real progress, but is rather an incremental step back from the madness of the Bush administration? You mean many of his campaign promises are likely to remain unfulfilled? You’re breaking our hearts here, Jeff.

THOSE CRAZY LAWS

one day in the life of cheektowaga justice

yes cheektowaga loves to make up there own laws in this little town.iam on probation and i just recently violated it.now my first charge to even get probation was a b mis and that only 90 days in jail.but if i get kicked of probation iam looking at a year in jail why is that?i have court in cheektowaga on 12/4/08.i also have a little girl i have to support iam getting my ged because iam back in school and iam trying to get a job.iam only 21 and i wanted to go into the army to serve the usa and have a better life for my little girl but the judge kolbert would not alow it.thats bull shit.so pretty much how can they do that to somebody that only has a b mis wich is only 90 days.but thay could give you a year when you mess up?well thank you so much.can you get back to me before 12/4/08 and tell me something.thanks

jon

Dear Jon,

The man is cold, and the Cheektowaga man even colder. We’re pretty sure they didn’t invent probation, though; they’ve never invented anything.

ERR AMERICA

You can’t blame the American people or our sellout Congress for allowing the Bush Administration to get away with the unprecedented crimes committed by these non-violent sociopaths [Allan Uthman, “The Great Shame,” issue 133].

If you geniuses hadn’t noticed-Censorship of the truth is now the norm as the mainstream, sellout media has kept most Americans distracted, afraid and indecisive, just happy watching their shitty TV shows, playing with their IPODs and rutting like rabbits as we stuff our faces with shitty food running to the doctor for medication to help those high cholesterol levels, the diabetes, heart disease and other conditions our shitty diet gives us.

What do you intellectual giants believe the American people SHOULD have done to prevent the crimes of the Bush Administration? Nothing!

Hell, protestors at Bush’s inaguration were pepper sprayed and/or jailed and at the conventions we had “protest zones”;Far away for anti-Neo Cons protesteors.

When Nancy Pelosi’s ugly face got elected and she said that, “impeachment (of Bush and Lon Cheney) was off the table,” that spoke volumes on how we’ve been sold out from our politicians to the media;How the American people have been kept silent, cooperated or “moved aside” as rule by fear, disaster economics and other neo-con-fascist tactics took hold of a once great nation.

Hitler came to power nice n’ legally as did President Draft Dodger who the Supreme Court slid into office so that his puppet masters, from Rove to Cheney to Bush Sr. and the rest of the industrialist scumfucks could make a quick unholy profit.

Don’t blame the American people for allowing this to occur;To their credit, the neocon agenda has been a well-crafted and nearly brilliant excercise in modern-day Fascism.

Either this nightmare the neocons have built will “collapse like a house of cards” or we’ll have the Amero under the FORMER U.S., Canada and Mexico.

If the “GREAT AND POWERFUL” liberal media existed like scumfucks such as Rush to Brown-nose nazi boy Bauerle whine about, said “liberal media” would have INFORMED the public, EXPOSING this deception for what it was and things would PROBABLY be better now.

A few hundred well-placed Randi Rhodes in TV, radio and print media would have made a huge difference but nooooooo-

Our important decisions have been based on infotainment, pure, unadulterated fucking lies courtesy of filth like Lindbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, bauerle & bitch-Beach, Laura Ingrahm and the rest of the no-conscience sellouts who so many fearful haters believe with their bitter black hearts.

OK...Maybe I’m off on a few tangents here, but my point is, the neocon takeover has been decades in the planning;Don’t blame us common folk, the American people for allowing the most corrupt, malefic politicians in office since the nazis and soviets and as far as Bill Sitting On The Fence Maher saying, “don’t call the Republicans nazis anymore. NO ONE was as bad as the nazis” Bullshit.

Sincerely,

Scott D. Snitzer

P.S. Would someone loosen my straightjacket a little? It itches.

Dear Scott,

A few hundred Randi Rhodes? There aren’t enough Ameros in the world to offset that.

CAR-SANDRA

Its so weird watching carmakers scramble like eggs for a government bailout. the unions want to keep those cushy jobs and the management want to keep their bonuses....fat chance!

The union guys who shopped at wal-mart for twenty years didnt care about the jobs they were helpin to ship overseas. now we can all cry together, huh Joe Hill.

a lot of you dips voted for anti-union Bush because he prayed to the same fake god you did and pretended to like guns. have fun huntin in the southern tier! next time if you dont come home with a buck or a doe, yr kids might not eat this winter! :(

I’ll bet you dont like that i spent 10,000 smackers on a foreign car, but its probably a tenth of what that cheap Chinese shit you bought from Wal Mart cost ya this year.

and as for management, i dont think yr Hugo Boss suit is gonna help you find a new gig after you screwed the pooche so badly with the car industry. drive your 2009 SUV’s into Lake Erie, k?

hopefully, cooler heads will prevail. If the UAW goes on strike at this point, how can they expect to win? Conversely, if they dont, how can they safeguard their padded salaries. Dark days are ahead for this nation.

Pete Foinks

Dear Pete,

Wow, those union jobs must be really cushy if they enable people to spend a hundred thousand dollars at Wal Mart annually.

BRAIN HALF FULL

Uthman’s article is another disgusting instance of blaming the victim. The crimes of the Bush administration and their CEO/financial elite controllers were never going to be punished by the working people of this country--i.e., the majority of us. Blaming the citizens of this country for Bush’s imperialist crime spree is an insult to those who have been most damaged by these crimes.

To say that the American people should have taken some action is fatuous. What power do we have? Elections? But we overwhelmingly elected people that we hoped would put an end to the crime spree. And we were betrayed by these people, most notably by those Democrats who, after being elected to Congress, proceeded to rubber-stamp every criminal act put before them by the Bush administration.

We took to the streets before and during the invasion of Iraq. Did we have any power to change things? No. The kept media ignored us, even when we marched in the millions!

It is those who are supposed to have the power to rein in the executive branch--the Congress and the Courts--who are to blame for the disaster that is playing out in the U.S. and around the world. Blaming ourselves is the ultimate expression of masochism, and this article is encouraging people who are the victims of crime to blame themselves for the crimes that are committed against them. It’s like saying that a woman who was raped was “asking for it”. This is a dispicable lie and this article is shameful.

The only way we the people can take control of our destinies and that of the country is to stop supporting the Democrats (those abusive “husbands” that we continually forgive for their crimes against us) and support a party of the working class. That is the only way to achieve power of the people over these criminals and run them out of town on a rail (hopefully to The Hague and a War Crimes Tribunal).

Mr. Uthman, you may find release by wallowing in your self-pitying masochism, but you are only encouraging despair and surrender on the part of the people. You are also insulting those of us around the country that have and continue to struggle against the dark forces of oligarchy and imperialism. You are advocating useless self-flagellation instead of a fight against the wrongs of a capitalist system that is destroying the world.
Zwoman

Mr. Uthman responds:
Zwoman, I’m not sure I understand you. You say it’s fatuous to suggest Americans should have taken action, but you conclude that I’m somehow hindering the “fight.” Which is it? Are we victims or warriors? The power we have is obvious: We have the power to strike; we have the power to boycott. What we didn’t have was a majority, or even a significant minority, willing to do either. We still don’t. Congress is full of spineless worms, who would easily have impeached Bush if they felt their constituents would reward them for it. I am not insulting you (yet)—there simply aren’t enough of you to do anything. We learned years ago that our government was sodomizing prisoners, listening to our phone calls, paying off journalists, and faking intelligence—and then Bush was reelected. What should I do, pretend we did good, just to avoid hurting your feelings? “Way to go, American people—you managed to run out the clock?” Even a cheerleader knows when her team loses, Zwoman.


THAT MAKES SENSE

PRETTY WHITE TV ANCHOR KILLED BY BLACK RAPIST.

ITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Police say DNA taken from a man charged with murdering a Little Rock, Ark., television anchorwoman matches DNA tested in a separate rape case.

Marianna Police Detective Carl McCree said Friday that DNA taken from Curtis Lavelle Vance during the investigation into the brutal beating of anchorwoman Anne Pressly matched DNA gathered during an investigation into the April sexual assault of a school teacher in Marianna, 90 miles east of Little Rock.

Pressly died of her injuries, and Vance is charged with capital murder in the case.

McCree says Vance faces rape and residential burglary charges in connection with the Marianna attack.

[hyperlink]

Picture of black  man rapist murderer.

This guy should have been behind bars long ago, but liberals like you and Niman want them free do commit more henious crimes against humanity.

singed 

White guy clinging to his guns and religion and who’s responsible for all the worlds problems.

Right?

James Ziolkowski

Dear James,

Are you actually devolving or what? Black man rapes white woman, and it’s Obama’s fault, or our fault or something? Are you actually suggesting we should just put back guys in jail preemptively? And the really aggravating factor is that she was pretty? Were you even conscious when you wrote this, or in some Ambien stupor? Way to embarrass the human race, you shit-brained monkey.



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