Beast Banner March 2009
ISSUE #135
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If socialists are going to take your money, it might as well be us.

Features

ArrowTHE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE
Hampton comes alive!

ArrowTHE IDIOT MACHINE
Author attempts to hold Bush crony accountable, winds up covered in poop
Ian Murphy

ArrowDESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS
No relief from Republican math
Allan Uthman

ArrowA CONVERSATION WITH THE 10 TRILLION ROBOTS THAT ARE CALLED DR. DANIEL DENNETT
Reknowned atheist prof. deigns to speak to The BEAST

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part IV: Every Flake a $20 Bill
John Dolan

ArrowBOUGHT, FAT & LAUDED
Someone stop Tom Friedman before he types again
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGOD HATES PHELPS
WNY to Westboro weirdoes: Talk to the hand
Ian Murphy

ArrowAIR FORCE DUMB
Chemtrails: The nonexistent killer
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCELEBRITY POP QUIZ!
Paul Craig Roberts fails to apply himself

ArrowEXTREME MAKEOVER: GITMO EDITION
Improving our nation's curb appeal

ArrowASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN
Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

ArrowGOP CHAIRMAN CALLS OBAMA SPEECH 'WIGGIDY-WHACK'
Rap battle threatened
Josh Righter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
One-armed midget

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

The BEAST PAGE 5 ONE-ARMED MIDGET

Name: Jeb “Loco” Swanson

Turn-ons: Michael Steele, Sun Myung Moon, squat thrusts, urban affectations, pandering, Latin grooves, Lil Wayne, Katt Williams and the new RNC “off the hook” PR blitz.

Turn-offs: Amusement parks, shopping for clothes, Magic negroes, yogurt and women that’s too tall to ball.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 One-armed Midget: Yo, check this: Last week I was perusing the Washington Tizimes, when I came across a rather interestizizing article about RNC Chairman Michael Steele’s plan to bring younger voters into the GOP fizold. You feel me, dawg? And I was all: Aw snap, you go, Steele!  You get them black and Latino voters. Shit, speak to they values and what have you. Reading on, there was a Steele quote that spizoke to me on so many different levels: “We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.” It really inspired me, as a member of the one-armed midget community, and a lover of urban culture. You know what I’m sayin’, essay?

Future Plans: Shit, I got me some squat thrusts to do. After that, I don’t know, dog. I’ll probably register as a Republican and start contributing to Palin 2012.

How I’d like to be remembered: As a completely inoffensive metaphor for the stunted and handicapped members of society. You know, blacks & Latinos. You got a problem with that, holmes?



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