Beast Banner March 2009
ISSUE #135
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If socialists are going to take your money, it might as well be us.

Features

ArrowTHE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE
Hampton comes alive!

ArrowTHE IDIOT MACHINE
Author attempts to hold Bush crony accountable, winds up covered in poop
Ian Murphy

ArrowDESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS
No relief from Republican math
Allan Uthman

ArrowA CONVERSATION WITH THE 10 TRILLION ROBOTS THAT ARE CALLED DR. DANIEL DENNETT
Reknowned atheist prof. deigns to speak to The BEAST

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part IV: Every Flake a $20 Bill
John Dolan

ArrowBOUGHT, FAT & LAUDED
Someone stop Tom Friedman before he types again
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGOD HATES PHELPS
WNY to Westboro weirdoes: Talk to the hand
Ian Murphy

ArrowAIR FORCE DUMB
Chemtrails: The nonexistent killer
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCELEBRITY POP QUIZ!
Paul Craig Roberts fails to apply himself

ArrowEXTREME MAKEOVER: GITMO EDITION
Improving our nation's curb appeal

ArrowASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN
Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

ArrowGOP CHAIRMAN CALLS OBAMA SPEECH 'WIGGIDY-WHACK'
Rap battle threatened
Josh Righter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
One-armed midget

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

ASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN!

Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

Dear Muzzamil,

                I’ve been married for nearly a decade, and frankly, things have become a little lackluster in the bedroom. I’ve put on sexy lingerie, lit candles and played Al Green albums but nothing seems to work. My husband isn’t getting the hints; he’s only interest in watching TV! What can I do, Muzzamil?

-Losing my head in Buffalo

Dear Losing,

                I pray to Mohammed (PBUH) that a man typed this e-mail for you. Otherwise, it’s unclean in the eyes of Allah and you should be beaten. I’ll assume this is not the case, only because my arms are not long enough to beat you!

                While I don’t approve of sinful, hair-revealing lingerie or women who dabble with evil fire-magic, the smooth soul of Al Green should have clearly signaled your husband’s Hajj to your shameful womanly parts—unless it was recent Al Green, which kind of sucks. This can only mean that you’re old and unfit, and it’s time to bring in a second wife to satisfy your man. To quench your own urges, however, I recommend that your husband remove your head with a sword.

                Good luck!

Dear Muzzamil,

                As a Muslim man living in America, I find it difficult to reconcile modern feminism with traditional Islamic values. For instance, in the market, my wife insists on walking beside me, as opposed to the expected ten paces behind. If I allow her this transgression, I fear she may seek even more despicable freedoms—like, learning how to read!

                What am I to do?

-Confused in Connecticut

Dear Confused,

                I myself have struggled to reconcile Islamic law with modern western values. It’s a real pickle, Confused. But take heart:  feminism is but a passing fad and the edicts of Allah are eternal and unerring. The Koran weighs more than The Feminine Mystique, which, scientifically speaking, means it contains more truth. By walking beside you, your wife is dishonoring you greatly and she must be put in her place.

                I advise that you both consult your local Imam for marriage counseling—or call radio personality Dr. Laura Schlessinger. As a woman, her advice to women to subjugate themselves to their men, holds extra weight in the woman’s smaller brain. And if that doesn’t work, cut off her head with a sword.

                Thanks for writing!

Dear Muzzamil,

                My wife and I are happily married newlyweds, who like to host dinner parties. While we have invited non-Muslims in the past, they’ve often been critical of our traditional Islamic décor, food and communal food bowl. At the last party we held, a Christian coworker of mine joked that next time he was going to bring his own plate and fork, because eating with one’s hands is “barbaric”!

                I feel dishonored, but my wife seems to think it’s OK. How can I explain to them both that these negative Muslim stereotypes are ruining our culture?

-Offended in Ottawa

Dear Offended,

                Many non-Muslims can be insensitive to the traditions we value, and your coworker is no exception. Perhaps, he was merely jesting, however, and you should say nothing for the time being—even invite him to your next dinner party. If he makes good on his promise and brings a fork, though, you should be prepared to counter his stereotyping of Muslims as barbaric with an inspired reading from one of our great poets, like, Rabi’ah al-Adawiyya or Sheikh Muzzafer Ozak. This should help him gain the proper respect for our culture and traditions. If that doesn’t work, stab him in the eyes with his fork—and cut off your wife’s head, for good measure.

                Hope this helps!

Dear Muzzamil,

                I’m a long time reader and a big fan! I have many marital problems (Take my wife’s head, please!). I kid; you can’t have it. I’ve buried it in the backyard facing east. Now that I’ve beheaded my wife, for watching “Sex in the City” reruns, there is a huge mess to clean up—but no woman to clean it! It’s starting to smell! What should I do?

-Fundie from Phili

Dear Fundie,

                You did the right thing! The sinful, libidinous women of “Sex in the City” are a grave offense to Muslims everywhere—with the possible exception of the Charlotte character, though, she did date a Jew, which is when I stopped watching. At any rate, it’s no “The Wire”.

                To answer your question, Fundie, I think you should get remarried—and quick! Once blood settles in the carpet it’s almost impossible to get out. And if the new wife gets all “Miranda” on you, remember to lay down a tarp before you behead her.

                It’s just that easy!

Dear Muzzamil,

                I have been married to my wife for six years, and lately she’s become withdrawn and uncommunicative. I tell her that I will behead her, if need be, but she still does not listen! It all started when we were going through some boxes in the attic and we came across some tokens from her childhood—a teddy bear and a picture of her father. She will not cook. She will not clean. And she recoils from me sexually. The dishonor is too much to bear!

                My question is:  should I cut her head off with a sword or is it OK to use a power saw?

Dishonored in Detroit

Dear Dishonored,

                Finding the artifacts from her childhood may have uncovered some dark, repressed memories from your wife’s past. I believe it is a real possibility that your wife was abused by her father—likely with a teddy bear. Sometimes victims of abuse don’t deal with these kinds of uncomfortable issues  for decades—if ever. As painful as it may be for her, this is a fine time to face her past with the help of a competent psychologist or in a group therapy setting. Sometimes opening up to a professional or other abuse victims is all that one needs to begin the healing process.

                Also, buy her a pretty hijab to show her you care. She needs your love and support more now than ever. And you can help her most by cutting off her head with a sword. Power saws are pure barbarism!

                Allahu Akbar!

Need sound love & relation advice? E-mail your questions to Muzzamil@rank-hypocrisy.net!



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