Beast Banner March 2009
ISSUE #135
Issue 122 Cover Small
Last Issue Archives Blog Comix
Web BEAST Blog
 
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise

If socialists are going to take your money, it might as well be us.

Features

ArrowTHE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE
Hampton comes alive!

ArrowTHE IDIOT MACHINE
Author attempts to hold Bush crony accountable, winds up covered in poop
Ian Murphy

ArrowDESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS
No relief from Republican math
Allan Uthman

ArrowA CONVERSATION WITH THE 10 TRILLION ROBOTS THAT ARE CALLED DR. DANIEL DENNETT
Reknowned atheist prof. deigns to speak to The BEAST

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part IV: Every Flake a $20 Bill
John Dolan

ArrowBOUGHT, FAT & LAUDED
Someone stop Tom Friedman before he types again
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGOD HATES PHELPS
WNY to Westboro weirdoes: Talk to the hand
Ian Murphy

ArrowAIR FORCE DUMB
Chemtrails: The nonexistent killer
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCELEBRITY POP QUIZ!
Paul Craig Roberts fails to apply himself

ArrowEXTREME MAKEOVER: GITMO EDITION
Improving our nation's curb appeal

ArrowASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN
Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

ArrowGOP CHAIRMAN CALLS OBAMA SPEECH 'WIGGIDY-WHACK'
Rap battle threatened
Josh Righter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
One-armed midget

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

THE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE

Like all yíall, I wanted to know why the hell my February 2009 issue of The Beast had not arrived. I dig that the January issue came out late. I accepted the fact that it takes time to put together such a righteously fine list of loathsome motherfuckers. The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2008 was worth waiting for, you know what I mean? Nevertheless, I didnít expect to be waiting more than four weeks for the next issue to come out. Now they tell me that there ainít gonna be no February issue and theyíre gonna skip right on to March. So, because theyíre a bunch of pussies, they asked me to apologize on their behalf and to kind of break down the why of it for yíall.

While I donít actually have to pay for a subscription up here in heaven, Iíve been told that you motherfuckers that do pay for your subscriptions will still get the ones that are coming to you, that is the number you paid for. As for whatís up with this missing an issue shit it breaks down like this:

Fact is, The Beast didnít put out an issue for February because like the rest of you motherfuckers theyíre a bunch of cowards. You dig? Part Ďcause February is black history month, combined with every other motherfucker in the country thinking that because the new president is a black dude that somehow things are going to be different. Hope and change and all that motherfucking bullshit. The Beast motherfuckers canít face the fact that in times like these itís necessary to tell it like it motherfucking is.

The way it is, is this: The oppressorís skin color might have changed, but the oppressor is still the oppressor. It makes no motherfucking sense to pin your hopes and dreams on the fact that the person you elected is the same color as you or the same sex as you for that matter. You dig?

Itís like this: The Chicago pigs murdered me in my sleep almost 40 years ago. You know why? Because I had guts and I talked the revolutionary talk and walked the revolutionary walk. Many times before they killed me, I said that they can kill the revolutionary but they canít kill the revolution. I was wrong. There is nothing revolutionary about America today. And thatís a motherfucking shame.

The Beast was not able to put out a February issue because they didnít know how to deal with a negro president that has got most of the country eating out of his hand. They needed more time to get their shit together. Most motherfuckers canít see that Obama is the new head of the empireís management team. Heís assured congress that their real constituents, the people on Wall Street and the big corporations, are the ones that will really be taken care of and his tiresome speech is just a show that ensures that the ignorant American peasant will be sufficiently anesthetized with lies so as not to be causing any trouble.

Thatís the way it is with this whole Obama thing. Yeah, heís black but what does that do if thereís no way for people to figure out why things are the way they are here? You see, the struggle depends on the education thing, you dig? ĎCause everything you promise to people about a better life you can do with no education. You can form this welfare program and that health care reform program and this jobs program and the other things and you can form it all with no education. But that donít mean shit.

Papa Doc in Haiti hated everything white. Man, you couldnít put a white piece of paper in front of Papa Docís face. So he moved all the white people out and he took over being the oppressor, you dig? Cause there was no education. If the people had been educated theyíd have said, ďWe donít hate the motherfucking white people; we hate the oppressor, whether he be white, black, brown or yellow!Ē So we got to know the people will have real educational programs that will help them find out whether thereís going to be a bunch of fanatics leading them down the road to slavery.

A lot of people know how it works. They might say they are revolutionaries, but after they take power they become ex-revolutionaries. Same as Papa Doc, or Mugabe, or whoever. They brought about a successful revolution. The things they go through and shit are serious, like with the Bantu freedom fighters and all that kind of thing. It donít mean shit if you donít know what itís supposed to be like in the end.

Thatís what weĎre talking about, thatís whatís a revolutionary. So what we got to understand here is that the educational program is one where you have to be able figure out whether youíre going to go along the right lines. To know where the people will end up in a situation where they can be able to really control themselves. You understand what Iím saying? With no education, the people will take this program or that program and start stealing money, because they wonít really be educated. They wonít be wise to the whole peopleís thing. You know what Iím saying? Because with no education you have neocolonialism instead of colonialism, like you have in Africa now, like you have in Haiti. So what weĎre talking about is there has to be an educational program, that is very important. Why? Because if they donít have education, then theyíre nowhere. You dig what Iím saying? Theyíre nowhere because they donít even know why they are doing what theyíre doing. You might get people caught up in the emotion of this movement. You understand me? You might get caught up in it because they are poor and they want something. And then if theyíre not educated they want more and before you know it theyíll be capitalists and before you know it weíll have Negro imperialists like President Obama. So good luck dealing with that you Beast motherfuckers.



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
© Copyright 2002-2009, The Beast. All rights reserved.