Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

Did you know there’s a lady who had six kids, but she went to a fertility doctor and had eight more? And she’s on food stamps and shit! Plus, she’s had plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie! Let’s talk about her. Let’s just talk and talk about her, and then I think we should dream about her at night, and wake up, and keep right on talking about her. In fact, this person should be the primary focus of our national attention for at least a couple of months. Every other news story should be about her. She is so important. She might do a porno, I heard. Let’s talk about that. Octomom forever!

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

I know you’ve done some pretty terrible things, but I think that if you rounded up the cast of Real Housewives of Orange County and set them on fire, it’d pretty much guarantee you’ll have a great afterlife.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

If the government was trying to kill you, you’d be dead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

There’s an outside chance that Rush Limbaugh will be the next president of the United States. Think about that the next time you feel yourself relaxing.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

I know your husband slept with your sister, but when two sets of identical twins get married, hilarious hijinks are bound to ensue. I know you don’t have a twin, but that’s the premise of my sitcom treatment.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

It’s okay to have inch-long fingernails, but you’re a man—a man who has lost his nail-clipper, and is too lazy to get a new one. That’s not okay.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Why do we live in a brutally cold, snow-heavy environment? Because it’s at a key location on a long-obsolete trading route. Enjoy the last leg of your annual stint as an ice-bound hermit.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

You ever get one of those avocados that doesn’t really soften up right, and then when you finally cut it open its all brown and stringy already? Avocadoes are damn expensive, and it’s just not cool if buying them is some kind of gamble. Oh, and someone you love is going to die next week.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your job at HSBC is dull and dispiriting, but don’t fret: HSBC will collapse soon, and you’ll be unemployed. Congrats!

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your friend who’s warning you of Obama’s “European-style socialism”? He’s never actually been to Europe. It’s pretty cool, actually—although it is full of foreigners.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You need to stop saying “rock out with your cock out” so often. Seriously, everyone hates you.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your wife didn’t get raptured; she went to L.A with her orthodontist. Come out of the basement.