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ISSUE #135
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If socialists are going to take your money, it might as well be us.

Features

ArrowTHE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE
Hampton comes alive!

ArrowTHE IDIOT MACHINE
Author attempts to hold Bush crony accountable, winds up covered in poop
Ian Murphy

ArrowDESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS
No relief from Republican math
Allan Uthman

ArrowA CONVERSATION WITH THE 10 TRILLION ROBOTS THAT ARE CALLED DR. DANIEL DENNETT
Reknowned atheist prof. deigns to speak to The BEAST

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part IV: Every Flake a $20 Bill
John Dolan

ArrowBOUGHT, FAT & LAUDED
Someone stop Tom Friedman before he types again
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGOD HATES PHELPS
WNY to Westboro weirdoes: Talk to the hand
Ian Murphy

ArrowAIR FORCE DUMB
Chemtrails: The nonexistent killer
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCELEBRITY POP QUIZ!
Paul Craig Roberts fails to apply himself

ArrowEXTREME MAKEOVER: GITMO EDITION
Improving our nation's curb appeal

ArrowASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN
Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

ArrowGOP CHAIRMAN CALLS OBAMA SPEECH 'WIGGIDY-WHACK'
Rap battle threatened
Josh Righter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
One-armed midget

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

GOP chairman Calls Obama Speech “Wiggidy-Whack,” Threatens Rap Battle

By JOSH RIGHTER

After Barack Obama’s first speech to a joint session of Congress, Republicans came out swinging with Michael Steele, head of the Republican National Committee, leading the charge in labeling Obama and his “silly-ass speeches” as “some bullshit”.

Steele, who recently promised an “off the hook” approach to making the Republican party hip and tricked out to young homies, said Obama is “fucked up”.

“Nigga’s trippin’, dog,” Steele said offhandedly, inhaling deeply from a large purple bong filled with raspberry tobacco. “By which I mean, his championing of a large government stimulus in response to our economic downturn is an inappropriate overreaction, and he’s someone whom I consider foolish at heart, although I’m in no way condemning him for the color of his skin.”

“Bitch,” Steele quickly added.

The missteps in the speech were so egregious, Steele says, that Obama and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal may need to engage in a rap battle in the near future.

“Bobby’s straight-up gangsta,” Steele said excitedly. “Plus, he’s young, and he’s a minority, like me. See, America? We have some too!”

As a lead-in to the possible rap battle, Jindal has announced that Louisiana will reject part of its share of the federal stimulus package. Instead, he and Steele plan to raise money for the state by selling tickets to an evening of the two passionately making out.

“Rappers do that, right?” Steele was overheard whispering to Jindal, who nodded in agreement, saying that he had seen it on “the YoopTube”.

But if the Republicans’ strategy is to attack Obama’s speech, they have their work cut out for them; CNN polling taken at 368 different seconds during the televised broadcast revealed that an overwhelming number of Americans liked what they heard, which ranged from a discussion on healthcare reform to an uncomfortable silence in which everyone looked nervously at Vice President Joe Biden.

“Basically, I heard him say that he’s going to do a lot of things that are good, and very few that are bad,” said one Ohio viewer. “As an American, I like that.”

“He’s our President,” said a woman from Florida. “He’s Barack Obama.”

Still, despite his public support, Michael Steele says Republicans are prepared to argue with Obama and look at him meanly for years to come, if necessary.

“Punk-ass bitch better watch his bitch ass,” Steele said, adding ominously, “Snitches get stitches.”


This article originally appeared at enduringvision.com



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