Beast Banner
ISSUE #136
 
Previous Issue Archives Comix
Web BEAST Blog
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise

If Obama's a socialist, why are we broke?

Features

ArrowDR. STRANGELOVE EXPAINS THE ISRAEL LOBBY

Arrow GIVE ME IDIOCY OR GIVE ME DEATH (WEB EXCLUSIVE!)
Ian Murphy attends a local teabagging

ArrowONE LUMP OR TWO?
Fake Fascism & Phony Outrage
Allan Uthman

ArrowPHILOSOPHER JOHN R. SEARLE STOOPS TO OUR LEVEL

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part 5: Back to Berkeley for the Big Epiphany
John Dolan

ArrowCREDIBILITY DEFAULT SWAP
Obama: The best pitchman Goldman Sachs ever had
Matt Taibbi

ArrowTHE LORD CLOWN HAS RISEN!
A Beaster Miracle!
Ian Murphy

ArrowBEST NEWS CHANNEL IN THE WORLD
You should watch AlJazeera English, but you can't
Anchor Downs

ArrowBLACKBEARD BLOWBACK
As fun as shooting pirates is, it may not be smart
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowA NEW OR GENTLY USED ECONOMY
11common sense ways to beat the recession

ArrowPARANORMAL ESTATE
Money tight? Make up some stuff about ghosts
Eileen Jones

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Unintentionally Hilarious Metaphor

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

DR. STRANGELOVE EXPLAINS THE ISRAEL LOBBY

Meine President tells me zome people zat read Za Beast believe zat za pro Israel lobby in Za United States is damaging zis country by making it verboten to criticize za Israel. You must be ein dummkopf to believe zis. Zis is backward. If zare vaz no Israel lobby in za U.S. zuppressing za information about vut Israelis is doing, zen zis would be harmful to za U.S. und its ability to run za world. Za U.S. must be in charge of za world, and to do zis zay must use Israel in order to control za Middle East. Zat is why za U.S. is za master and Israel is za servant. If za U.S. did not find Israel useful zen zare would be no Israel.

Za idea zat Israel is a problem for za U.S. national interests in za Middle East is za idea of a dummkopf. It is obvious zat when you look at Israel it is za only country in za Middle East zat is not a problem for za U.S. You zink za U.S. can count on Zaudi Arabia? Did you forget who was zees hijackers on za 9-11? The U.S. could lose zis base like it did with Iran after zay spent zo much money on zose ungrateful Persians. It is plain to see zat that za U.S. has already given up most of its power in Zaudi Arabia.

On za other hand, Israel is a country zat vuz created by za west und is like a European country. It is just like za rest of za west in all za important areas like culture, politics und za economy. Of course za leaders of za country know zat zey have to do vut za U.S. zays. The leaders in every country in za region know how zis works. Zey have to cooperate with za U.S. or else zay get in trouble. It is zimple to buy za leaders of the countries in za region. Za difference in Israel is zat beyond zare leaders being in za pocket of za U.S., za Israeli people are also vit America. Zis is not how it is in za Arab countries. Za Arabs on za street hate America and attack it za first chance zay get.

Za Israelis love za U.S. und zay know zat zay need za U.S. zo zay will do everyzing zat we ask or zay die. Zome people zink zat za U.S. does not need Israel and of course zis is not correct. If za U.S. let za Arabs have Israel, zen what would happen? Za U.S. could lose control of za situation and za Arabs would go after za U.S. positions everywhere in za Middle East. Everywhere vud be Lebanon vit Hezbollah causing trouble. If za Arabs and Israel were to have peace, zen what would happen to za U.S. position in za Middle East? Zat iz za real Lobby. Za Lobby zat makes sure zat Israel iz dependent on za U.S. and zarefore useful to za U.S. when za U.S. needs Israel to give za Arabs za beating zo zay stay in zare place.

Za Jews in American government and in za media serve za interests of America, not Israel. You zink zay want to live in za Kibbutz? Live vit all zees Arabs zat vant to kill zem? No. Zay know zat Israel is important for za U.S. to control za Middle East for za benefit of za U.S. If zis was not za case zen zees Jews would not care about Israel. Like all za Americans, za only zing zat zay care about is power and za place of power is within za United States. Zey are like any people zat vant power from za running of za country. Zare first interest is to serve zose zat will bring zem power for zemselves. If zay had to, zay would sell zare mothers for zis power. If America needs to get rid of Israel zay vill do zis in one zecond.

Za problem with za people of Israel iz zat zey have zis fantasy of za homeland for za Jews and zey want to make sure zat America protects zem from za Arabs so zay can have zis utopia. Zis is also zinking of za dummkopf. Zare are Jews everywhere in za world. Zey don’t need zis place in za Middle East surrounded by people zat hate zem. Why zay want zis? Zis is not rational.

Zo in zis one respect zare is za problem vit zis Lobby of Jews in America. Zay are crazy for zis Zion homeland of za Jews fantasy. Zo zey zink zey have to get rid of all za Palestinians so zay can have zis homeland. Zis is zinking zat doesn’t make zense. Za only way zay can live in za Middle East is not to make war vit za Palestinians. Za U.S.could force Israel to change its behavior but zen zis might jeopardize U.S. plans to control za Middle East. If zare is peace it might spread.

In America zis talk about za Israel Lobby making a difference for U.S. policy in za Middle East iz not what za Jews at za AIPAC or za anti-defamation league or Alan Dershowitz zays. Zay are Zionists so zay love Israel, zey believe zis fantasy zat it will be za home of all za Jews. Zay are dummkopfs. Zay zink zis dog Israel is zare dog and zay want it to be taken care of. Zay want za United States to be good to it. So when za dog iz bad zay do not want people in za United States to talk about it. It might make za people of za United States want to get rid of zis dog. It’s like if your dog eats your wife’s favorite shoes. You throw the shoes in za trash and do not tell your wife zo she will not get mad at za dog and make you get rid of it.

If people in za U.S. knew too much about za behavior of Israel zay might want za U.S. to force zis peace vit za Palestinians and zis might lead to more peace between the Israels and za Arabs and as I have said zis would be no good for U.S plans. Zarefore, it is agreed zat za talk about za dirty work zat Israel does is verboten in za U.S. In za end za U.S. will no longer need Israel for anything and zen Israel will have to face vut zay have done to za Palestinians and zen for za Israelis I zink zay will be kaput.



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
© Copyright 2002-2009, The Beast. All rights reserved.