The BEAST Page 5 Unintentionally Hilarious Metaphor

Name: Teabags

Turn-ons: Angry white mobs, wasting tea, inordinate press coverage, corporate sponsorship.

Turn-offs: Historical accuracy, economic accuracy, accuracy of any sort, uppity half-black elitist secret Muslim commie fascist non-citizen presidents.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Unintentionally Hilarious Metaphor: Frankly, it’s embarrassing. I mean, the whole taxation with/without representation thing notwithstanding, or the fact that taxes haven’t been raised, or the fact that this crowd of morons can’t possibly be making over 250 grand, did they really have to name their little tantrums after a lewd sexual act?  This was the least successful party I’ve seen since Susan Atkins showed up at Sharon Tate’s house.

Future Plans: I’m hoping to go back to being a refreshing beverage and nothing more. I’d appreciate it if people could stop using me as a metaphor altogether—for phony tax protests or testicular gobbling. Not sure which is worse, really. 

How I’d like to be remembered: If there’s any justice, I’ll live this down. I mean, it wasn’t my idea. I’m no racist—I’m Indian for Vishnu’s sake!