If Obama's a socialist, why are we broke?
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Yes, that’s right, Taurus: they’re going to take your guns away! To keep them safe, you should bury them in the backyard. They’ll never get them there!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You know, it was cute at first, Gemini—holding my shampoo “hostage” and the like. But you’re not a Somali pirate; you’re in my bathtub. Get out. Or I will shoot you in the head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The new DHS report, which warns about “right-wing extremist groups” is nothing but an Obama administration “hit” on conservatives—and only you can prove it, Cancer! 1) Don your filthiest Confederate flag bandanna; 2) Unearth Taurus’ arsenal; 3) Find and shoot up the nearest DHS office. That’ll learn ‘em!
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Leo, your quest to inject the “Dirty Bergeron” into the American sexual lexicon is a noble one. Pińatas and groin hits have long been missing from our collective sexual experience. And good luck winning that $10,000; you deserve it!
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
A recent Pew Hispanic study estimates that 1 in 15 kindergarten through high school students are children of illegal immigrants! As a real American, Virgo, it is now your duty to procreate. Yes, this means you can’t attend Sci-fi Con ‘09. Sorry, buddy.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Hey, you ever wonder why your friends only call you when they need money, help moving something heavy or a kidney donation? No? Well, it’s because you’re a sad, little idiot.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Dear Scorpio, your awareness of, and interest in, the ongoing feud between Jamie Foxx and Miley Cyrus indicates one thing: when the aliens intruders finally arrive, we’re screwed!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
It may have been proven that bacon is a good hangover cure, but, Sagittarius, the treatment doesn’t extend to AIDS. Stop prescribing bacon or your license will be revoked!
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Hey, Capricorn! I have a riddle for you: What’s more morally objectionable: the greed of Wall Street traders or Pat Oliphant’s cartoons? Let the answer guide your path, Capricorn; let it guide you into a crosshatched rage of pedestrian symbolism!
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You know how every time that Purina commercial comes on the TV and you think about how painful life is and how Owen Wilson tried to off himself? You’re actually supposed to look at the puppy and say, “AWWW!” Whatever. Disney’s got you either way.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Yeah, so what, Pisces? Palin’s Alaska AG pick once defended a KKK statue on the grounds of free speech. When will you get it, Pisces? Free speech is a right for everyone, and defending that right—especially in the most repugnant situations—is a noble undertaking. Basically, Pisces, even racists have a right to express their stupidity. After all, if stupidity weren’t allowed to be voiced in America, you’d have nothing to watch on TV, and you’d have nothing to say.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You’re right, Aries: Arctic sea ice being the thinnest ever recorded doesn’t mean a thing. Don’t cancel that ice skating trip from Alaska to Finland. That’ll show ‘em!
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