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If Obama's a socialist, why are we broke?

Features

ArrowDR. STRANGELOVE EXPAINS THE ISRAEL LOBBY

Arrow GIVE ME IDIOCY OR GIVE ME DEATH (WEB EXCLUSIVE!)
Ian Murphy attends a local teabagging

ArrowONE LUMP OR TWO?
Fake Fascism & Phony Outrage
Allan Uthman

ArrowPHILOSOPHER JOHN R. SEARLE STOOPS TO OUR LEVEL

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part 5: Back to Berkeley for the Big Epiphany
John Dolan

ArrowCREDIBILITY DEFAULT SWAP
Obama: The best pitchman Goldman Sachs ever had
Matt Taibbi

ArrowTHE LORD CLOWN HAS RISEN!
A Beaster Miracle!
Ian Murphy

ArrowBEST NEWS CHANNEL IN THE WORLD
You should watch AlJazeera English, but you can't
Anchor Downs

ArrowBLACKBEARD BLOWBACK
As fun as shooting pirates is, it may not be smart
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowA NEW OR GENTLY USED ECONOMY
11common sense ways to beat the recession

ArrowPARANORMAL ESTATE
Money tight? Make up some stuff about ghosts
Eileen Jones

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Unintentionally Hilarious Metaphor

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

Part I: In Which I Finally Review an Album that I Promised To Review A Month Ago

We Are Hex, Gloom Bloom (Hex Haus)

In the bio on their website, We Are Hex describe their sound as an amalgam of noise, dance, doom, psychedelia, 50s and 60s pop and punk.† And for once, a bandís grandiose claims of musical diversity arenít utter bullshit.† They combine all of those genres into a dreamy, dark and somewhat disturbing sonic stew.†

The bio goes on to compare the band to The Cure, Gang of Four, P.J. Harvey and The Jesus and Mary Chain, but I feel like comparing these guys (and girl) to anyone else sells them short.† To these ears, We Are Hex sounds like We Are Hex and nobody else.

This album is way too good to be the self-recorded debut of a band that just started two years ago.† If they can keep up this level of quality, theyíll be legends in no time.† Mark my words.

Actually, you know what?† Fuck my words.† Theyíre woefully inadequate.† The whole album is available as an audio stream on wearehex.com. I highly recommend that you check it out if youíre at all interested in good music.† I mean, itís free!† Youíve got nothing to lose!

Part II: In Which I Flake Out, Turn Tail and Quit

tgyhvb6hbtgvbbyh6b.†

That ugly alphanumeric clusterfuck is the result of me literally banging my head against the keyboard of my laptop in an effort to dislodge some hidden nugget of genius that might inspire me to write something less crappy than what Iím about to spew forth to fill my page quota for this month.

Yeah, yeah.† I know itís hacky as hell to write about how hard it is to write, but thatís really all I have to go with right now.† Because after nine months of raging against the tyranny of bad music, I am burnt the fuck out.

This gig started out as a fun diversion from the depressing drudgery that is the life of a college graduate with a journalism degree who has no desire to pursue journalism because he figures that schlepping around in the infotainment industry would be even more soul-crushing than his current gig selling fish and pizza to needy jerks who seriously need to be backhanded across their fat faces and told to fuck off for once in their overly privileged, leechy little lives, but itís since become yet another obligation, like paying off my student loans or restraining myself from bleeding, gutting, and filleting inattentive parents who let their children drag their greasy hands across the windows of the display case that you just watched me clean, you oblivious prick.

So hereís a short list of reasons why this crybaby bitch is taking his ball and running home to mommy:

  1. I have big boy problems to worry about.† Itís been a year since I graduated from college and I still canít even get an interview for a real job, and Iíll need one pretty goddamn soon if my girlfriend and I want to keep our apartment when she goes back to grad school full time and has to cut down her hours at work.† The job that I do have works me 25-30 hours a week, long enough for me to spend huge chunks of my day babying whiny idiots, but not quite long enough to pay the bills, which actually makes my life more stressful than it would be if I had to deal with asshole customers for the full 40 hours.† I lie awake at night worrying that Iíll never escape this rotting corpse of a town now that the countryís economy is bleeding to death from its ass after the brutal fist-raping it got from the financial sector (and now that I think about it, fist-rape wouldnít be a bad punishment for the goons who got us into this shit.† But I digress.).† I barely have the energy to keep up with the things that I actually like.† So you can see why keeping up with the career of, say, Fred Durst so that I can come up with a cute way to call him a sad fag every time he craps out a new album has steadily moved down my list of priorities.
  2. I am but one squealing rodent in a rat king of pretentious music fans.† There are approximately 65 hojillion assholes who write about music, both online and in print.† I am no more or less qualified than any of them.† Nothing will change if I bow out.
  3. I have made no contribution to the artistic world.† Last year, the utterly irrelevant Marilyn Manson tried to start a feud with My Chemical Romance by saying that Gerard Way and company were ďdoing a really sad, pitiful, shallow version of what Iíve done.Ē† Way layed the verbal smack down with a quote that stuck with me ever since I read it: ďWe still havenít found someone that has knocked us down that we need to take seriously. If Elvis Costello said we sucked we would think about it a bit.Ē† Now, I donít like My Chemical Romance.† At all.† But theyíre creating something.† Iíve created nothing.† Even Marilyn Manson Ė who I just hypocritically, but still somehow correctly, called irrelevant Ė has contributed more than I have.† So who the hell am I to try to tear these people down?† Itís so much easier to throw rocks from behind a protective wall of obscurity than to take a risk and try to make art for yourself.† Which leads me to my last pointÖ
  4. I have another major project that Iíve been neglecting.† For a few months now, Iíve been bursting with ideas for another creative endeavor.† Iím not going to say exactly what I want to do because I donít like to tip my hand before Iím totally ready to move forward with something, but Iím pretty excited about it.

There you have it.† Me and this column are officially divorced.† But stay strong, my tens of fans.† Put down the razors and untie the nooses.† Youíll hear from me again soon enough.†

Assail Ericís taste at lingepx76 [at] gmail.com



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