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THE
BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2004
50.
Ann Coulter
Crimes:
Coulter plummets down the list as she slips into irrelevance.
As her columns degenerate further into absurd, incoherent
attacks against her own personal paranoid fantasy of fanged,
drooling, Saddam-loving liberals who hate America and childish
France-bashing, we find our outrage slowly giving way to a
baffled “I can’t believe I used to go out with you” feeling.
Her arguments are ridiculous, her vitriol forced, her hatchet
face even harder to look at. Still, she insulted a one-armed
war veteran, called reports of the hundreds of tons of missing
munitions in Iraq false, claimed Wesley Clark was pro-infanticide,
and blamed Abu Ghraib on the presence of women in the armed
forces—they’re not all like you, Ann—and on and on. It’s just
not worth debunking someone who has no credibility in the
first place.
Smoking
Gun: Has credibility in the minds of more people than
we can stomach acknowledging.
Punishment:
Skull crushed with rock.
49.
Clay Aiken
Crimes:
Rode to stardom on a racist backlash after his failure to
win “American Idol.” Brings false hope to pre-teens that they
will meet a nice clean boy who won’t take advantage of them.
Befouls airwaves with his vile dreck, which makes us long
for the days of Shaun Cassidy.
Smoking
Gun: Was one of two people on this list to do a duet with
the rolling corpse of Bing Crosby for a Christmas special.
Put himself in the role of David Bowie.
Punishment:
Hydrochloric acid martini.
48.
Scott McClellan
Crimes:
Completely hollow. Able to regurgitate any message programmed
into him without regard to its validity or internal logic.
A human void, capable of sapping the virtue away from the
most idealistic reporter within three jokey, familiar, stonewalling
press conferences.
Smoking
Gun: Hasn’t killed himself.
Punishment:
Locked in a room for eternity with a camera that sprays spitting
cobra venom in his eyes every time he speaks.
47.
50 Cent
Crimes:
Sole credential for being a rapper, aside from his affiliation
with Dr. Dre, is having been shot several times. Spent his
first record company advance on crack to sell. Can barely
talk, let alone rap. Represents the worst aspect of urban
culture, its tendency to collapse in on itself in an orgy
of mobsterism and self-destructive spending. Obnoxious tendency
to pull out large wads of cash and wave them around in people’s
faces (not a figure of speech).
Smoking
Gun: Ugliest rapper to make it since Biggie.
Punishment:
Getting his ass kicked by Will Smith.
46.
Colin Quinn
Crimes:
Least funny SNL alum since Joe Piscopo (at least Tim
Meadows can speak English). Blamed cancellation of his awful
show on reverse racism, ignoring his pathetic ratings, stumbling
speech and the fact that his entire C-list entourage couldn’t
beat Pamela Anderson at Trivial Pursuit.
Smoking
Gun: Pontificated at length on the nature of comedy in
Seinfeld’s yawn-fest Comedian.
Punishment:
Stash of white supremacist literature and nun-porn discovered
in high profile cocaine bust.
45.
John McCain:
Crimes:
Survived years of torture in Vietnam only to become a bend
over buddy for a sheltered rich dunce. McCain could have bolstered
his largely unearned air of credibility this year had he stood
against Bush, but instead chose to show us all that that no
principle is too fundamental to humanity to be overlooked
in the name of party loyalty. We can only hope that they’ve
got something on him, something big.
Smoking
Gun: Returned to criticizing Bush as soon as it didn’t
matter anymore.
Punishment:
Vice President under Rumsfeld.
44.
Ellen Degeneres
Crimes:
Turns out to be the most boring comedian, gay or straight,
since…ever. Her Seinfeld on Quaaludes routine isn’t just tedious;
it’s harrowing—watching her belabor a gag that wasn’t funny
in the first place about opening a jar of pickles for minutes
is enough to make anybody groan. Her cookie cutter talk show
succeeds for the simple reason that, beyond the gay thing,
viewers know that Ellen will always be nice and won’t let
any negative information invade their fragile minds. If Degeneres
were a straight man, she’d be getting booed off the stage
at a tiny club in Scranton right about now.
Smoking
Gun: Tolerated Anne Heche.
Punishment:
Ten years as writer for “Mad TV."
43.
Tony Blankley
Crimes:
Editorial page editor for the Washington Times, the
Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s religiofascist newsletter and the
Bush Administration’s favorite morning read. Thinks the UN
Oil for Food scandal warrants more attention than a White
House full of war criminals. Had the gall to attack George
Soros because “[h]e said that he has no moral responsibility
for the consequences of his financial actions,” when that
is clearly a moral loophole embraced by all free market zealots
such as Blankley, and went on to attack him for being “a self-admitted
atheist” and “a Jew who figured out a way to survive the Holocaust.”
Refers to Donald Rumsfeld as “brilliant.” His paper has lost
a billion dollars and sells one paper for every seven Washington
Posts, but is in no jeopardy because of lavish funding
as the psy-ops arm of Moon’s Unification Church.
Smoking
Gun: Ended his final column of the year like this: “Americans
are standing upright, their strong arms uplifted against the
barbarians.” A shameless, taint-licking propagandist.
Punishment:
Very slowly lowered into meat grinder.
42.
Jenna Jameson
Crimes:
The first best-selling author who could be sodomized with
a well-thrown baseball since Truman Capote. Her newfound mainstream
legitimacy as an icon of America’s freakish love for porn
is directly related to her former incarnation as the best
blowjob of the ‘90s.
Smoking
Gun: Now only does scenes with boring phony-lesbos…and
her husband. Real hot.
Punishment:
The inevitable attention-vacuum which will envelop her the
second any part of her body begins to sag perceptibly.
41.
Everyone who got together to watch the final episode of “Friends”
Crimes:
Allowing a trivial sitcom about living in New York, made for
people who’ve never been anywhere near New York, to become
a focal point in their shallow, meaningless lives. Watching
TV together is not a bonding experience; it is a distancing
experience, a way in which people can cohabit a room without
actually having to engage each other or connect personally.
Whoever’s ultimately responsible for the “watch ‘Friends’
or the terrorists win” meme should have a special room reserved
for him in the bad section of hell.
Smoking
Gun: You probably liked the whole Niles and Daphne thing
on “Frazier,” too.
Punishment:
A full year of plodding BBC Documentaries.
40.
Laura Bush
Crimes:
Oh the first lady, what an inspiration she must be to android
researchers everywhere. Smile, nod, smile, (look interested)
nod, put on $50,000 dress, suck off the president and there
you have a typical day for the first lady. Corporate yes-wives
like her will hasten the coming of mandated burkas for American
women. Actually looks related to George, which might explain
their mongoloid children.
Smoking
Gun: She married George Bush.
Punishment:
Chugging a gallon of stem cells on Fear Factor.
39.
Tom Cruise
Crimes:
Inexplicable stardom. In a just world, Brendan Fraser would
get an Oscar before this carbon copy of every other rich asshole
cokehead with a fast car. Consistently influential in casting
women in his movie for the sole purpose of nailing them. Extremely
convincing when he plays an ambitious, superficial prick.
Smoking
Gun: Always plays an ambitious, superficial prick.
Punishment:
Caught in the act with Vin Diesel.
38.
Toby Keith
Crimes:
The worst kind of proud-to-be-brainwashed dolt, one who feels
he should express himself. The fact that this ambulatory hamburger’s
opinions were ever given public forum is an indictment of
our entire civilization and all human history leading up to
this point.
Smoking
Gun: Plays country music.
Punishment:
Impaled on improperly installed American flag attached to
tractor-trailer, dragged for 12 hours, eaten by wolves.
37.
Halle Berry
Crimes:
Chooses projects on the basis of how opportunistic they are
in exploiting her body. Followed her sweaty fuckfest in Die
Another Day with the worthless atrocity Catwoman.
Her tearful 2002 Oscar acceptance speech for Monster’s
Ball (which also included a fevered humping scene) put
her in competition with Barbara Streisand for the title of
most self-important woman in Hollywood.
Smoking
Gun: Every role she takes will be hailed as another milestone
in civil rights history by virtue of her barely discernible
smattering of African DNA, when in reality her success only
underscores our nation’s incapacity to accept a truly black
actress.
Punishment:
Reduced to skin care infomercial endorsement.
36.
Stephen Moore
Crimes:
President of voodoo economics PAC the Club for Growth and
frequent Republican whipping boy on HBO’s “Real Time with
Bill Maher,” Moore actually snivels visibly. Follows every
evil statement with a pussified “just kidding—sort of” laugh
and shriveling “please don’t hurt me” body language. May be
the least original thinker of all supply side policy drones.
Smoking
Gun: Missing out on the heart and soul of what’s fun about
being Republican, freedom from self-consciousness and doubt.
Punishment:
Smacked to death by Richard Belzer.
35.
Matt Sharp
Crimes:
Creator of VH1’s celebration of undeserved wealth and morbid
excess, “The Fabulous Life,” the bastard ghetto child of “Lifestyles
of the Rich And Famous,” complete with Robin Leach-impersonating
voiceovers. His morally bankrupt show serves as a who’s-who
of prime targets for public execution, entertaining bloated,
brand-conscious meatbags with the details of how sinfully
rich celebrities squander their undeserved fortunes. Sharp
knows his audience; you can tell by the hilarious elementary
mathematical breakdowns he offers his viewers at the end of
the show when he reveals how much money his subject is actually
worth (“Britney could buy 50,000 rare Gorilla-foot handbags
and still have enough left over to occupy Syria!”). The celebratory,
awed tone with which his show informs us that Lil’ Kim has
crushed $100 bills put into her nail polish, or that you could
feed your family for a year on what J-Lo spends to get her
eyebrows done, makes us wish we could burn such criminals
with our minds.
Smoking
Gun: Your girlfriend loves this show.
Punishment:
Pureed and made into face cream for Lindsay Lohan.
34.
Clarence Thomas
Crimes:
On the wrong side of every Supreme Court decision since he
got the job carrying Scalia’s golf clubs.
Smoking
Gun: Angry black man routine during Anita Hill hearings
was the most forced overacting this side of Keanu Reeves’
tantrum in Johnny Mnemonic.
Punishment:
Led out of the Court in chains after inadvertently casting
the deciding vote to reinstitute slavery.
32.
Lynndie England
Crimes:
The ultimate “ugly American,” England represents everything
people hate about us—ignorance, perversion, racism, and denial.
The most authentic trailer trash to enter the public spotlight
since Anna Nicole, complete with illegitimate baby by an abusive
ex-boyfriend and experience in the meat processing industry.
Described by her no doubt horrific mother as having been “in
the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Smoking
Gun: The pictures, duh.
Punishment:
Gang-raped and devoured alive by all of the hysterical Republican
pundits who defended her.
31.
Al From
Crimes:
Founder and CEO of the detestable Democratic Leadership Council,
the lead organization for the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join
‘em” wing of the Democratic Party. From’s appeasement strategies
have lead directly to tragic losses in the last three elections.
Responsible for the inability of serious people to fully respect
the Democratic Party.
Smoking
Gun: Said Dean couldn’t win; backed Joe Lieberman.
Punishment:
President Nader.
30.
Jim Lehrer
Crimes:
The nauseating host of the “liberal” PBS program “The News
Hour” never hesitates to show his fealty to our business and
government overlords. When independent journalist Christian
Parenti appeared on “News Hour” upon his return from Iraq,
he had the temerity to link the instability in Iraq to America’s
failure to implement even half-hearted reconstruction. “There
still isn't adequate electricity…there wasn't adequate water.
Where is all the money that’s going to Halliburton and Bechtel
to rebuild this country, where is it ending up? And I think
that is one of the most important, fundamental causes of instability,
the corruption around the contracting with these Bush-connected
firms in Iraq…” Two days later, the spineless Leher apologized
to his viewers for Parenti’s informed, reasonable opinion,
telling us the “…discussion about Iraq ended up not being
as balanced as is our standard practice. While unintentional,
it was indeed our mistake and we regret it.” Balanced. There’s
that word again. Leher has never apologized for any of the
lunatic horseshit coming out of administration apologists
on a daily basis.
Smoking
Gun: His services as the sycophantic moderator of presidential
debates in 2000 and 2004 wherein he may as well have been
blowing kisses at the candidates, serve to legitimize the
weak, non-combative debate format the two parties cooked up.
Punishment:
Embedded with the 3rd Marine Battalion in Fallujah, where
liberal-hating grunts will use him as sniper bait.
29.
Michael Savage
Crimes:
Will say anything to get attention, and then say the opposite
for the same reason. Thinks revealing his inner xenophobe
makes him some kind of rock star. Learned everything he knows
about world politics from Archie Bunker. Said this: “When
you hear ‘human rights,’ think gays. When you hear ‘human
rights,’ think only one thing: someone who wants to rape your
son. And you'll get it just right. OK, you got it, right?
When you hear ‘human rights,’ think only someone who wants
to molest your son, and send you to jail if you defend him.”
Smoking
Gun: Real name is Michael Weiner.
Punishment:
Ass-raped to death.
28.
Ben Affleck
Crimes:
His uncanny ability to produce an unending stream of shitty
movies and still get work rivals that of even Kevin Costner.
Has coasted for years on a reputation built largely on a former
association with Matt Damon, but has done nothing to justify
his star status aside from boning Jennifer Lopez. Gigli
was the cinematic equivalent of the Madrid bombings.
Smoking
Gun: CGI scenes in Daredevil were more lifelike
than his oafish live action.
Punishment:
Reunited with J-Lo.
27.
Bob Novak
Crimes:
Beats even Scott McClellan as Bush’s most unholy mouthpiece.
Virulently protecting the Bush administration in order to
further his own career. Novak didn’t think twice when instructed
to reveal the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame in order
to get back at her critical husband, Joe Wilson, yet he now
claims it would be morally wrong to reveal the treasonous
White House leaker. Indirectly caused the incarceration of
Judith Miller of the New York Times, who should be in jail
on totally separate charges involving her poorly researched
WMD hysterics leading up to the war in Iraq.
Smoking
Gun: Still insists the Swift Boat Veterans ads and their
libelicious spin-off book, Unfit for Command, was “well-documented”
and didn’t contain any lies.
Punishment:
Heart harvested in preparation for Dick Cheney’s presidential
bid.
26.
Terry McAuliffe
Crimes:
Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Said, "This
is the best election night in history" on November 2,
2004, just before 8pm EST. Not only presided over the pathetic
Kerry defeat, but held the same position in the 2000 fiasco.
A driving force in the Republicanization of Democrats, he
personally saw to it that the charismatic Dean campaign was
crushed to make way for Kerrybot. Doesn’t understand that
winning is not necessarily about copying what winners do,
but more often not doing what losers do.
Punishment:
Hillary Clinton as a cellmate for life.
Smoking
Gun: Said the party will spend "whatever it takes"
to study complaints from Ohio voters that included uncounted
votes, long lines, shortages of ballots, understaffed polling
stations and voting machine errors. Still studying, apparently.
25.
Dr. Phil
Crimes:
Not a doctor. Not wise. Offers troubled souls nothing but
the sweet feeling of surrendering control. Only reason for
prominence is that Oprah just couldn’t support her show by
herself anymore. Offers troubled simpletons meaningless slogans
that resonate for a maximum of five days before they realize
they already knew that shit and they still can’t stop whatever
compulsive behavior got them onto his show in the first place.
Is almost certainly regularly involved in some unspeakable
depravity that he can’t stop and which caused him to fabricate
his public persona in a frantic attempt to convince us he’s
normal.
Smoking
Gun: Both presidential candidates were forced to submit
to his pedantic bullshit in some bizarre new soft focus emasculation
ritual to get slack-jawed housewives to vote for them.
Punishment:
A lifetime of guest spots on Springer.
24.
Ronald Reagan
Crimes:
The greatest monster in recent American history. Reagan’s
excruciating sanctification during his agonizingly protracted
funeral was enough to make anyone with knowledge of his true
legacy blow up a radio tower. Newspaper columnists performed
astonishing feats of selective memory in canonizing Reagan,
disregarding any inconvenient evidence of supporting terrorism,
ripping off taxpayers for outrageous defense programs, or
introducing crack cocaine to America, because we need our
heroes.
Smoking
Gun: Responsible for telemarketing and infomercials.
Punishment:
Reanimated and killed again.
23.
Jerry Bruckheimer
Crimes:
“Producer” really just means “guy with the money” in Hollywood.
Master of the incoherent action sequence, full of unnecessary
cuts and jittery close-ups. His rapidly multiplying CBS cop
show empire is replete with ridiculously beautiful cops and
scientists (and murderers and victims and witnesses) and impossibly
stylish interiors. The “CSI” franchise perfectly fulfills
the viewing needs of a fat, lazy nation: no running, no car
chases, just sitting around, talking, and playing with gadgets.
The real crimes, however, are the movies, including Kangaroo
Jack, Coyote Ugly, Bad Boys, Bad Boys 2, Days of Thunder,
Gone in 60 Seconds, and the so-stupid-it’s-funny Armageddon.
Imagine what else could have been done with that money.
Smoking
Gun: Who brings a fucking Gatling gun to an asteroid?
Punishment:
Made into shoes for Martin Scorsese.
22.
Michael Jackson
Crimes:
Surgically transforming himself into a ghastly artificial
creature, and then forcing himself on little boys. His ability
to remain at large and to find parents still willing to let
their kids sleep over at Jackson’s elaborate child trap both
indicate a failure of our species as a whole.
Smoking
Gun: “Jesus juice?”
Punishment:
Forced to record and release new single as part of plea agreement,
“Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”
21.
Alan Colmes
Crimes:
An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive
artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are
to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes
about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of
his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded
co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.
Smoking
Gun: His cringe-inducing new book reads like a crappy
internet parody ("I'm proud to be a liberal. In my spare
time I hug trees. I'd rather hug a tree than embrace a tax
cut… Ever try to hug a tax rebate check? Bark burn is so much
more pleasant than paper cuts.")
Punishment:
Suffocated under a naked, sweaty Rush Limbaugh.
20.
Anna Nicole Smith
Crimes:
Continues to find ways to damage the fabric of society with
her very presence. In 2004 she rapidly transformed from a
washed up, sedated blimp to a washed up, sedated hooker, thanks
to some pill-marketing scam brought to us by a paralyzed FDA
and a hard drug addiction. Has grown more incoherent with
every lost pound, to the point that she is like some tawdry
copy of a pre-death Marylyn Monroe without any Arthur Miller
to suppress her. Lost her money, but still worships at the
altar of attention—any kind of attention, at any cost.
Smoking
Gun: Volleyball-sized breast implants just aren’t attractive.
Punishment:
Electrocuted at climax by Bill Clinton’s pacemaker.
19.
Zell Miller
Crimes:
Part Yosemite Sam and Part Foghorn Leghorn. Miller doesn’t
make the list for his salivating, traitorous keynote speech
at the Republican National Convention, or even the duel thing
with Chris Matthews. He makes the list because he really does
represent Southern Democrats. Miller was chief of staff for
diehard racist Georgia Governor Lester Maddox, who used to
own a restaurant where he’d hand out pick handles to his customers
to beat any black people that might try to come in. The Democratic
party really isn’t the party he once knew—thank God.
Smoking
Gun: Won’t switch parties, just to be a pain in the ass.
Punishment:
Death by torrential barrage of spitballs while watching his
granddaughter make out with Big Pun.
18.
Mel Gibson
Crimes:
As with any religious nut, expects people to take his delusional
bullshit seriously. Is obsessed with pain and suffering, as
can be observed in the numerous Hulk Hogan style “now I’m
really mad” scenes in nearly all of his movies, in which he
endures medically impossible levels of bodily punishment before
rising to vanquish his cartoonish foes. This is such a routine
motif in Gibson’s work that we half expected Jesus to jump
off the cross and start kicking Jewish ass in The Passion
of the Christ. More historically revisionist than Oliver
Stone.
Smoking
Gun: Shot about 11 times in the climax of Lethal Weapon
II, yet still saunters off with his partner as the credits
roll, apparently not in need of medical attention.
Punishment:
Neurodegenerative illness that could have been cured through
stem cell research.
17.
Armstrong Williams
Crimes:
Williams was going to make the list anyway, but shoots up
several positions since he admitted to accepting $240,000
from the Department of Education to promote the No Child Left
Behind Act. His sole defense so far is that he used “bad judgment,”
as if that was some kind of excuse, rather than the heart
and soul of every crime. Says he is just the tip of the iceberg.
Smoking
Gun: Claimed to a prospective job applicant that 70% of
gay couples molest their children.
Punishment:
Full Birth Abortion.
16.
Nicole Richie
Crimes:
Wasting space in our minds. Not being pretty, talented or
interesting, yet expecting people beyond her family to pay
attention to her. Further indoctrinating teenage girls with
the poisonous idea that if they just act like obnoxious, spoiled
bitches they will somehow never have to work.
Smoking
Gun: Made 27 on Maxim’s Hot 100 for standing next
to national disgrace Paris Hilton for a year.
Punishment:
10-page pictorial in Stuff sans airbrushing, and no
Oxycontin for a whole week.
15.
Condoleezza Rice
Crimes:
The phrase “politics is show business for ugly people” has
never had so fine a foil. Smirks condescendingly at senior
Senators when they ask her silly questions about gross negligence
in the area of national security. Winner of the Beast award
for most likely to make Grover Norquist’s dick hard. Promoted
for feverishly licking Cheney’s boot for four years.
Smoking
Gun: Gets to sleep in the big house now.
Punishment:
thrown into the arctic from the Exxon oil tanker that used
to bear her name.
14.
Tom Delay
Crimes:
The worst Congressman alive. Being the most corrupt member
of the House is a hell of an achievement. Delay is so brazen
even lobbyists have expressed reservations. Compares the pathetic,
castrated EPA to the Gestapo. A self-obsessed misanthrope
in the guise of a Christian.
Smoking
Gun: According to Danny Yatom, former head of Israel’s
feared Mossad: "The Likud is nothing compared to this
guy."
Punishment:
Outed by Barney Frank.
13.
Joan Rivers
Crimes:
The most ghastly face science has managed to create without
the use of chemical weapons. As a pioneer in facial reconstruction,
she shows us that, in the future, every famous woman will
gradually turn into a cross between a sickly geisha and the
Joker. The red carpet fashion-cop shtick she does with her
broken, spiritless daughter is such an obvious inferiority
complex manifestation we almost feel sorry for them, until
we remember they’re making millions of dollars for it.
Smoking
Gun: The sheer, ugly self-hatred of a woman with that
face, that voice, and that personality nitpicking Nicole Kidman.
Punishment:
Face falls off into wet cement at Mann’s Chinese Theatre.
12.
Paul Wolfowitz
Crimes:
The mastermind behind our war plan in Iraq, also known as
“Operation Fucking Disaster.” Wanted to skip Afghanistan altogether
and get right on with the intractable quagmire phase of his
anti-terror plan. So far up Israel’s ass he can taste the
kugel.
Smoking
Gun: That disgusting thing he did with his comb in Fahrenheit
9/11.
Punishment:
A successful populist democracy in Iraq.
11.
Dan Rather
Crimes:
Along with Cronkite’s so-bonkers-it-might-be-true comment
that Karl Rove must be behind Osama bin Laden’s timely October
video release, has given the rabid right enough fuel to maintain
their bogus “liberal media” charge for years.
Smoking
Gun: Made Peter Jennings the most credible anchor in the
business.
Punishment:
Life sentence as the liberal
whipping boy on “Hardball with Chris Matthews.”
10.
John Negroponte
Crimes:
US Pro Consul (a title that was given to de facto rulers of
dependencies or occupied countries in colonial times) of Iraq.
Garnered his reputation as professional thug with his assignment
as ambassador to Honduras by Ronald Reagan in 1981. Collaborated
with the Honduran military while lying to Congress as they
kidnapped, tortured and killed hundreds of people, including
US missionaries. Was responsible for implementing the Reagan
administration covert strategy to crush the Sandinista government
in Nicaragua, resulting in it becoming 2nd to Haiti as poorest
country in the western hemisphere but with the special distinction
of having the largest disparity between rich and poor. Appears
to be carrying out the same plan in Iraq, as recent disclosures
about the Pentagon's plans to utilize death squads to achieve
our kind of democracy indicate.
Smoking
Gun: As Iraqi occupation grew bleaker from the start of
2004 a new tactic was employed, assassinating intellectuals
opposed to the occupation. A senior commander working for
the American-installed Iraqi police said "They are politicians
that are backed by the Americans and who arrived to Iraq from
exile with a list of their enemies. I've seen these lists.
They are killing people one by one." Sounds like a job
for Negroponte; he went from appointment to confirmation in
a blistering eight days.
Punishment:
Being skinned alive would be a nice start.
9.
Jessica Simpson
Crimes:
The gleaming flagship of the triumphant return of bimboism.
The aesthetic equivalent of vitamin D milk. Makes Britney
Spears look like a Rhodes scholar. Managed to crap out a hit
single by removing every remotely innovative element from
Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.”
Smoking
Gun: Probably likes her own music.
Punishment:
Strapped to bunker-buster.
8.
John Ashcroft
Crimes:
Promoting sexual shame, writing and singing alarmingly jingoistic
and terrible songs, flattening constitutional protections,
detaining brown people at will without charges or counsel,
pretending to be a patriot, and intentionally ignoring terrorism
in his pre-9/11 tenure.
Smoking
Gun: Put a fucking curtain up to cover a naked breast
on a statue. A statue.
Punishment:
Only heterosexual judge on the supreme court in 2035.
7.
Donald Trump
Crimes:
Hopelessly addicted to narcissism. Shares Saddam Hussein’s
compulsion to have gaudy structures named after himself. Is
to dignified wealth what Michael Jackson is to competent childcare.
Smoking
Gun: The hair alone justifies violence.
Punishment:
Forced to expose his tiny penis before crowds of laughing
celebrities on “Who Wants to See Donald Trump’s Penis?”
6.
George W. Bush
Crimes:
Too numerous to mention. The worst piece of shit ever to run
this country, including King George III; when’s the last time
a president made half his country want to move to Canada?
Lays claim to the legacy of Jesus Christ as he hungrily sucks
what little life-essence is left from the world. Appears to
be only dimly aware that he is destroying the future, but
seems to think it’s kind of funny.
Smoking
Gun: Too numerous to mention.
Punishment:
To have his fortune stolen from him by Cheney, Rumsfeld, Perle
and Wolfowitz, and be denied Medicaid.
5.
John Kerry
Crimes:
Managed to lose to the most hated president in American history
by virtue of his total inability to convincingly portray himself
as a human being. Didn’t even have the balls to show up during
the Ohio election challenge in the Senate. So thoroughly vetted
that he appears inhuman, incapable of speaking without repeating
the same hackneyed phrases incessantly and gesticulating like
a poorly operated marionette. Cursing his daughters with his
frightening profile.
Smoking
Gun: Actually did vote for the $87 billion before he voted
against it.
Punishment:
Quality time with wife and kids.
4.
Dick Cheney
Crimes:
So loathsome his own party is frightened of him. Manages to
deliver stunning lies with an air of sneering authority. Shamelessly
employs scare tactics in order to strip the federal government
of any resemblance to the one described in the constitution.
So visibly evil that all of the documented evidence against
him is superfluous. The kind of guy who starts talking cannibalism
the minute he steps on the lifeboat.
Smoking
Gun: Managed to make his own shame at producing gay offspring
into a negative for Kerry.
Punishment:
Hacked to death by Mexican migrant workers.
3.
You
Crimes:
You gaze idly at the carnage around you, sigh, and go calmly
back to your coffee and your People magazine. You can’t stop
buying useless crap, though you’re drowning in a deepening
pool of debt. You think you’re an activist because you bitch
all day on the internet, but you reelect the same gangsters
at a 99% rate. You consider yourself informed because you
waste a significant portion of your life watching the same
three news stories cycle over and over again on your gargantuan,
aerodynamic television set while you eat processed food. You
really thought everything would be okay if Kerry won. Not
only do you believe in an invisible man who magically farted
out the universe, you also excoriate and marginalize those
who disagree. You have a poorer understanding of your country’s
foreign policy history than a third world peasant, but you
can’t wait to see what Julia Roberts will be wearing at the
Oscars. You cheer as Ukrainians challenge an election based
on exit poll data, but keep waiting around for someone else
to fix your problems. You can’t think, you can’t organize
and you won’t act. This is all your fault.
Smoking
Gun: You’re fat.
Punishment:
You’re soaking in it.
2.
Donald Rumsfeld
Crimes:
At least Herman Goering knew how to conquer people. Rummy
is the richest person in the white house, a former auto and
pharmaceutical CEO and the one who nurtured Dick Cheney’s
career. So rife with corruption and fascist desire he makes
dirt look clean. Carries himself in press conferences like
a cranky grandfather who is sick of hearing his daughters
whine about how he molested them every now and then.
Smoking
Gun: Abu Ghraib.
Punishment:
Abu Ghraib.
1.
Kenneth Blackwell
Crimes:
The greasy, rancid piece of crap who delivered Ohio for Bush
by any means necessary, and then bragged about it in a recent
fundraising letter. A black man who has no reservations about
screwing over his own people in his lust for power and money.
Blackwell is the kind of soulless traitor without whose complicity
no nefarious evil plot ever goes down. In step with the future
of global elections.
Smoking
Gun: Phony recounts, media lockouts, intentional misallocation
of voting machines, you name it.
Just
Punishment: Dissolved in barrel of acid.
Check
out the 50 Most Loathsome of 2002!
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