BEAST's Top 10 Reasons
to Vote Republican
by Matt Taibbi
ARTVOICE and bleating, ineffectual pseudo-intellectuals like
its Michael Niman
are on the other side. Think about it; would you want Michael
Niman sitting down with the Joint Chiefs once a week? What the
hell would he say? "Hey, fellas! Did you watch This Old
House last night?" Republicans aren't interested in complaining,
and they aren't interested in being right. They're interested
in ruling. It's like David Lee Roth once said: there comes a
time when you have to choose between being a hot dog and a little
weenie. You know who the little weenies are. Be a Hot Dog.
2. When you think about it, black people really are pretty
annoying. They don't finish high school, they loiter, and
they make boatloads of noise without contributing a whole hell
of a lot. Economically and politically, it is possible to restore
a world where Method Man and 50 Cent shine your shoes and call
you "suh." Just as the world is less fun without war,
the world is less fun without entrenched lower classes whose
very existence elevates your sense of self-worth. You've never
lived in a world with coolies and wogs. Give it a try. You just
might like it.
3. You get to turn on Fox News and know that Bill O'Reilly
is kicking ass for you. Compare that to checking out ZNet
once a month to search out that "really great interview"
Noam Chomsky gave to Brazilian College Radio last year. At any
hour of the day, you can turn on national television broadcasts
and see your white brothers whipping ass in all directions.
As a Republican, you'll find that your champions have the stones
to stand up for you in public every single day; they're more
concerned about winning than they are about seeming smart in
front of their graduate assistants. Think about it: whose side
would you rather be on?
You don't have to read Madame Bovary once a year to impress
your girlfriend. Shit, you don't have to read at all, except
the Bible occasionally. You can watch Sportscenter thirty hours
a day and not feel like you're ruining yourself. In America,
Republicans consume, liberals digest. They get all the pains
of conscience and intellect. You get all that great taste going
down. Let them do the work.
5. You'll have money. Right now you have none because
your organism revolts against the process of buying and selling,
and you can never compete in the business world against people
for whom these things come naturally. As a Republican, nature
rewards you for being in harmony with its realities. Someone
has to build that supermarket, someone has to keep those gas
tanks filled. Instead of fighting these great processes, you're
part of them. And you'll never go wanting. You'll have new cars,
big lawns, new clothes, DirecTV.
6. You get chicks after the age of thirty. Liberals and
intellectuals get them in their twenties, when women still find
their complexity and artistic sensibility charming and erotic.
Once those same people hit thirty, they become pathetic, irresponsible
losers, and women start looking for a man with annuities, a
well-maintained car and a rocket in his corporate pocket. Fifty
year-old Republican businessmen get bunches of twenty year-old
hookers scheming to marry them. You see that happening with
Art History professors much?
7. You will always have a friend in Jesus. Right now,
what friend do you have? The scriptwriters for The Daily Show?
Not much of a match for Jesus. Jesus is fricking everywhere.
8. You won't have any more problems finding drugs, because
you won't do them and won't want to. Unless you work on Wall
Street, in which case they'll always be around and no one will
ever hassle you about them.
9. You won't have to search for quirky clothes on lower Broadway
or weird boutiques in Toronto. You can walk into any mall anywhere
in the country and find exactly the right clothes for you.
10. Republicans are right. The purpose of life is to
get as rich as possible and make sure that everyone else sucks
eggs and has to beg for the privilege of mowing your lawn. Fuzzy
liberal dreams of Utopian societies are borne of guilt feelings
and deep-seated urges toward self-hatred; your parents didn't
love you enough, so you grew up suspicious of your own interests.
The Republican world is a beautiful jungle where you get to
eat as much as you can kill. Get in touch with your inner animal.
The world ceases to exist after you die. Everything is permitted.
Don't sit there like some Mike Niman and play with yourself
on the sidlelines. Take off earth's panties and have her over
and over again. That's what she's there for.