BEAST-O-SCOPES
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Isn't it odd when reality steps in and takes a big dump right
on top the comfortable little world you've built for yourself? It's
not that reality is being mean or anything, it's just taking a minute
or two to remind you that it is there. Just a friendly reminder that
the clock is ticking and you need to cut the shit sooner or later.
You've all but consumed all the luck that life had provided for you
without any care as to the consequences. Just take a second to ask
yourself how many thirty-four year-old men have a paper route? I am
willing to bet there are quite a few less than you think. Even McDonald's
would be a step up, and McDonald's is evil. C'mon, Capricorn, your
moon is on the rise; it's your last chance to make it work because
I am not going to tell you again. In closing, I would just like to
remind you that the Grateful Dead suck.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19)
I
used to think you had some potential in this world, Aquarius, but
it seems that I was wrong. Just the other night, I was conferring
with the stars when a good portion of the cosmos blurted out, "Did
you ever notice what a useless piece of shit Aquarius turned out to
be? It even surprised us, and we're the stars." So there you
have it, the stars agree that you are a waste of carbon, and there
is a lot of carbon. I would try to give you some decent advice but
even the very cosmos thinks you suck. Maybe you should consider politics.
Pisces
(February 20 - March 20)
Pisces,
every time you come over to my house for a visit it's kind of like
I'm in purgatory and burning in my own sins. Sitting there listening
to you babble is much the same as being sprayed with acid. It not
just me that feels this way, but all of your "friends" share
a fellowship of horror. Pisces you've turned answering the door into
an anxiety-ridden activity, even when company is expected. In fact,
if you had your own catchphrase, it would probably be, "Sure
I'll stay for dinner." Saturn is in flux Pisces, so be sure to
stay home and make your own damn dinner.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
Heyyyyy
there Aries, I haven't seen you since the night we were all drunk
at that party and you let me rub corn oil all over your tits. I have
watched the video we made several times and all I can say is that
you are magnificently photogenic and I'm not the only one who thinks
so. Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know that I'm having a party
at my place next weekend and would really really like you to come.
Don't be a party pooper, Aries, you don't even have to bring anything
except yourself. There will be food, friends and fun…As well
as a bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, even hemorrhoids would find you
irritating. Because of you and Pisces I am thinking about becoming
a shut-in. In all the years I've known you there has not one social
gathering in which you haven't offended at least half of the participants.
Remember that time back in High School when was hitting on that girl
in the library? We were having such a nice chat about music until
you sat down and announced that Paula Abdul sucked but you'd like
to "cut off her head and fuck the stump." What the fuck
is wrong with you? I'm lucky that chick didn't file for a restraining
order. I'm not still friends with you because I like you, I'm friends
with you because you just won't go away. Look to Mercury, Taurus,
and just once give some serious thought as to why no one ever calls
you…EVER.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
I sit and wonder sometimes why people like you were born,
Gemini. You're not smart, you're not dumb, you're just there. Nothing
of relative use comes out of your mouth but at the same time you never
seem to offend. You usually get invited to parties because you are
guaranteed to be a fountain of meaningless small talk. Truth be told,
you carry about the same level of charisma as the vegetable platter.
I would actually take time to consult the stars about your future,
but no matter what it said you would have the same emotional response
as my fish. See you next weekend, Gemini.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Isn't it amazing, Cancer, when you think no one saw you
do something, but it turns out that someone else knows your dirty
little secret? For instance, let's presume that I know it was you
who convinced that retarded man at the zoo to jump into the polar
bear habitat. Let's say that I have you on camera prodding that poor
bastard to jump in the water so that the bears could give him some
Coca-Cola. Personally, I feel that information like that is worth
something…But to whom? Maybe to the Channel 7 News Room, or perhaps
to someone like you who may be inclined toward anonymity. I am willing
to bet on the latter. In fact, I am willing to bet there will be $2500.00
American placed in the garbage can behind the Albright Knox Art Gallery
on Tuesday June, 15 at say 9:45pm(EST). If I am wrong, I will have
plenty of time to make a quick stop and still make it home for the
11 O'Clock News.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
I
was watching an episode of COPS the other day when I was quite surprised
to see you, Leo. I don't know what was funnier, watching all those
sparks shooting out of the bottom of your brand new car or seeing
that dog drag you off that big fence and bite the shit out of you
while the cops on the scene pretended to command the dog to stop.
Personally, I would have taken the ticket for the expired inspection
rather than endure that. I hear that your parents won't post bail
even after you how bad things were in the holding center. Leo, it's
time for you to keep an eye on Uranus.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Hey Virgo, the new guy in the next cell is a celebrity.
We're talking national television here, man. Just think, raping him
would almost be having Britney Spears as your girl friend. Yes Virgo,
Britney, just like she is on the posters they let you keep in your
cell when you behave and don't shank anyone. But let us get back to
the star in cell fourteen: one carton of cigarettes (name brand) and
he's all yours. For an extra dinner roll I'll throw in mascara.
Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Libra, when you dropped out of school you did it because
it was the coolest most adult thing you could think to do. Now you
wash cars because it's the only thing you can get hired to do. Fuck,
even K-Mart won't touch you. Sometimes being cool doesn't have long
term benefits. Maybe your life sucks and you're always broke and haven't
gotten laid in seven years. You can still look on the bright side
of things-the bus drops you off right in front of the car wash and
that's got to count for something…Please tell me it counts for
something.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 22)
Neptune calls you Scorpio with good tidings. Your lucky Lotto
winning numbers are; 14-7-35-46-8-21-47-33-5-17-51-28-44-11-16-31-39-41-6-15-22-37-55-9
and 1. I think there was another number in the thirties in there.
Anyway, some combination of those will win you millions. I'd throw
in a punchlline but you're too busy looking for a pen.
Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21)
I have only one thing to say you, Sagittarius; I have a video
of some guy rubbing corn oil all over your girlfriend's tits.
