Burning Less Calories Than Sleep
Monday 8pm –
Fear Factor: Participants bail out en masses when asked to
shake hands with Al Sharpton.
10pm – Who Wants to Marry My Dad? Seriously; because he’s
starting to look at me funny.
10pm – Law, Order, and Repeated Forced Sodomy: Newly revamped
90 minute crime drama now includes third act detailing the story behind
the sentence. As always, starring some ridiculously hot ADA chick.
12:30am – Late Night with Conan O’Brien: O’Brien is unable
to regain his composure after attempting to introduce The Rock as
11pm – The Worst of SNL: Starring Tim Meadows, Joe Piscopo,
Tracy Morgan, Jimmy Fallon, Anthony Michael-Hall, and Chris Kattan.
Featuring extra-long “It’s Pat” sketch. Is it a man or a woman? Gee,
that never gets old…
4pm – Montel Williams: Montel’s sick fascination with the
grim details of incest, child molestation, child hookers and rape
continues, and so does yours, you sick freak. Presented as always
in a safely disapproving manner.
CSI: Miami: David Caruso searches in vain for traces of the buzz
that surrounded him before he ditched “NYPD Blue.”
9pm – The King of Queens: Fat Guy’s wife is rushed to hospital
after her face is crushed under the weight of her own make-up.
9pm – CSI: Buffalo: A big break comes in the form of a
half-eaten steak hoagie. Oily fingerprints recovered from 44 oz Big
8pm – Joan of Arcadia: Joan finally goes all the way with
Jesus. Mature content.
Sunday 10pm – The Practice: Guest star Calista Flockhart
and Lara Flynn Boyle pass too close to a ventilation shaft and are
sucked into it. Boyle is saved when her ridiculously exaggerated collagen-inflated
lips get stuck in the grate.
10pm – The Mole: Fascinating biography of Cindy Crawford’s
8pm – George Lopez: George practices Magaret Cho-style
“My show was cancelled because of racism, not my lack of funniness”
lines for misguided NPR reports on the lack of diversity on TV.
2pm – I’m Not Gay! I Swear! This week, host Tom Cruise
trots out a string of former female conquests to verify that he did
indeed have sex with them. Celebrity guests include Ron Reagan Jr.
and National Security Advisor Condi Rice.
Wednesday 8pm – That ‘70s Show: Eric thanks God
for the freak accident that left his parents unable to detect the
scent of the reefer he and his friends smoke daily in his basement.
Tuesday 9pm – America’s Next Top Model: Host Tyra
Banks instructs contestant on proper vomiting technique and the importance
of acting like a total bitch. The girls take turns flirting with prominent
non-gay fashion designers—both of them.
8pm – WWE SmackDown!: Entire arena is blown up, killing
whole audience and all wrestlers, to the consternation of no one at
Tuesday 10pm – Blind Date: Brain-dead jock is initially
upset to find that his bimbo date is actually blind. Later, he realizes
that he can actually expose himself to her for the duration of the
date, and things pick up a little.
8pm – Pepsi Smash: The Hives get all punky for Pepsi. Snoop
gets all street. For Pepsi. Make sure to go buy a case of Coke if
you watch this shit.
Whenever – NOW With Bill Moyers: Bill finally freaks
out and starts shaking people in the street, yelling “why won’t you
listen to me? WHY?”
– Zoboomafoo: Cheeseball hosts are finally killed by wild
animals enraged by their asinine speaking voices.
Thursday 9pm – Celebrity Poker Showdown: Jovial
cast of lame celebrities scramble to restrain former “Kids in the
Hall” and “News Radio” star Dave Foley as he attempts suicide, shouting
“I want to be as dead as my career!”
Monday 6pm – TV Press Feedback Loop: Charlie Rose
conducts exciting Interview with Larry King about the exciting interview
King conducted with Dan Rather about the exciting interview Rather
conducted with Bill Clinton. Followed by exciting interview of Rose
by Chris Matthews, during which several crew and audience members
suffer cranial explosions.
Ronald Reagan Funeral Network: Thursday all day – Day
26: The Gip really starts to stink in earnest. Celebrity mourners
include Danny Bonnaducci, Hal Sparks, Some asshole from “Survivor,”
Simon Cowell, the dog from “Frasier,” and Richard Nixon’s corpse,
exhumed specifically for this event. It’s so beautiful!
Network: Weeknights 11pm – Futurama: In the future
cartoons will not be funny.
12am – Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Educational program about
the debilitating mental effects of prolonged narcotics abuse.
Central: Weekdays 7pm – The Daily Show: The new
standard-bearer of credibility in television news. I wish I was joking;
I really do.
Tuesday 6pm – Top 100 Excuses to show Tits and Ass:
Hosted by Jessica Simpson’s Tits and Christina Aguilera’s ass.
7pm – VH-1 Movies That Suck: Striptease, featuring
Demi Moore as the world’s least sexy stripper. What the hell is the
point of showing this movie, which was only made as an excuse to show
Moore’s tits, without the tits? I guess it was cheaper than Avenging
Disco Godfather. Next week: Avenging Disco Godfather.
Tuesday 8pm – The Shield: Scary bald guy sticks
his gun in someone else’s mouth and yells at them. Again. Then goes
home and does it to his wife.
10pm – Nip/Tuck: Who gives a shit about this show?
Wednesday 10pm – Scare Tactics: Host Shannon Dougherty
frightens the crap out of unsuspecting victims with her lopsided face
and abrasive personality.
11pm – The X-Files: Mulder returns to search for
a decent movie role; Scully kicks his ass for screwing up her meal
Tuesday 9pm – Outback Jack: Twelve worthless bitches
educate an Australian about why the U.S must be stopped. Rated I for
idiot. If you can’t wait for this show, try bashing your skull in
with a rock.
8pm – The City: Formerly “Sex and the City.”
Friday 9pm – The Really Real World: Starving cast
members are evicted from posh and spacious apartment and forced to
take demeaning, low-paying dead end jobs just to make rent at their
new roach-infested shithole. Spoiled bitches go back home to their