Libra
(September 23 - October 22)
Libra,
I had planned on conferring with the stars about you the other night,
but instead I spent the entire evening watching UFO documentaries
on the History Channel, and I didn't really get any conferring done.
The only thing I can tell you is that your friend Xaiuptran from
the planet Qurirah needs to schedule another rectal exam and implant
upgrade. So if you could plan a camping trip sometime soon, that'd
be great.
Scorpio
(October 23 - November 22)
Scorpio,
I know that by the time this prints you will no longer be with us,
but I just wanted to say that I think you were a great cat. You
were more than just a pet; you were a loyal companion and a great
source of entertainment and comfort. I will never forget how you
run out the door whenever someone tried to come in the house or
how you would stick your paws under the bedroom door and meow whenever
we were trying to have sex or how you would run and jump onto the
coffee table and slide off the end, taking random objects with you.
I hope your next life is as full of love and fun as this one…Goodbye.
Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21)
Sagittarius,
we have chatted many times, and I know how hard you work to support
your family and the concerns you have voiced: your worry about being
able to afford college tuition for your son, as well concern as
to how you will get by after you retire. You genuinely believe things
need to change for the middle class, and I am in full agreement
with you. Then last week a car pulled up to your house and placed
a "Bush/Cheney '04" campaign sign on your front lawn while
I gawked on my porch in complete disbelief. What the fuck is wrong
with you, Sagittarius? You support people that could truly not care
less about you or your family. You are one of the "Have-nots,"
and the "Haves" don't give a shit about you, and now I
don't give a shit about you either. So don't come bitching to me
when your job is outsourced to India. Oh yeah-I want my fucking
weed whacker back, dickhead.
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Capricorn,
you need to stop coating yourself with hot fudge and tackling random
people walking by your house. That one woman still has nightmares
and urinates on herself every time a Dairy Queen commercial comes
on TV. I don't know what your motivation is, but those restraining
orders are starting to pile up. It's time to get some help and make
some personal changes, Capricorn. And I don't mean switching to
butterscotch.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19)
Aquarius,
the Cosmos has given me a message for you: stop being such a fucking
kiss-ass at the office. It's making everyone else sick the way you
stick your tongue up the boss's ass all the time, especially when
you mimic what he says seconds after he does. You may want to know
that your officemates share fantasies about beating you to death
with three-ring binders and dragging your corpse through the hallways.
Just do your fucking job like everyone else and stop being such
a brown-nosing little shit heel. Have a good week, Aquarius.
Pisces
(February 20 - March 20)
Pisces,
you cut me off in traffic the other day and all I can say is that
you should be glad I don't possess a mutant ability to throw cars
vast distances with my mind. You are an asshole, Pisces.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
Aries,
I know what you're thinking: "Dear God, let the farting stop
before they figure out it's me." I have news for you Aries;
God has no intention of bailing you out of this one and hopes you're
smart enough to learn your lesson. "What lesson," you
ask? Let me give you a hint: when meeting your fiancée's
parents for the first time, it might not be wise to eat $20 worth
of Taco Bell food, or any quantity of Taco Bell food for that matter,
in the same day. As a rule, no one should eat any food that smells
the same in fart form as it does when you eat it. As for your prospective
in-laws, it is a good bet that they figured out you were the source
of the olfactory assault, considering that their home doesn't usually
smell like a Mexican prison on chili night. Look to Uranus for wisdom,
Aries, and please step outside for a while.
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
Same
shit different year, eh Taurus? It's odd how the world keeps moving
no matter how hard you want to make it stand still. That's the problem
with time, Taurus; it keeps on moving along with or without your
compliance, and eventually all of your bullshit catches up to you
and there is no one else around to pick up the check. Christ, I
look over the awful gibberish I just wrote and get sick from writing
in metaphor about things that should be black and white, but truth
is regarded as hostility. All is revealed to the stars, Taurus;
there are no secrets and still you are loved. Just be who you are,
because it's one thing to be full of shit but quite another to be
so fucking smug about it.
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
Gemini,
you sit there wondering why your girlfriend wants to "see other
people?" When, you ask, did the romance disappear from the
relationship? I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure it was
right around the same time that you started openly masturbating
during the "West Wing" marathon. Did you really feel that
secure in the relationship that you could just whip it out and get
down without any concern or consideration to the fact that your
girlfriend was on the couch with you? Then, just because she didn't
say anything, you felt carte blanche was given to the whole jerking-off-in-the-living-room
thing, not to mention repeatedly falling asleep with dick still
in hand. I would have to say that you made a judgment error on this
one, Gemini, and it cost you a relationship. On the bright side,
you can now play with yourself as much as you want-it's not like
you have much choice.
Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)
Hindsight
is 20/20, Cancer, but it change the fact that you ate a bunch of
pot brownies shortly before trying to write that damn economics
paper. Now you cannot seem to stop laughing about the new episode
of "Venture Brothers," and are praying that what you're
writing will make sense when it's finished. The only advice I can
give you is to keep drinking coffee and hope that your theory of
a Cool Ranch Doritos-based economy can be made sound in thirty to
thirty-five pages. You may want to include some charts for added
credibility.
Leo
(July 23 - August 22)
Leo
my friend, we've talked about the touching and still your picture
ends up on the news. We even used puppets to illustrate the important
points, so pardon me for not buying that confused look on your face
in the mug shot. Whatever happens from this point forward it's a
pretty good bet you won't be chaperoning the Boy's Choir any time
soon.
Virgo
(August 23 - September 22)
Virgo,
I just want you to know that I'm sorry Aries keeps farting in front
of your parents. At least he excused himself from the room a couple
of times out of courtesy. He's not a bad guy, and you need to understand
that among his colleagues your fiancée's gastrointestinal
abilities have gained him a certain degree of respect. I know it
doesn't change the fact that your Mother is going to have to get
the living room repainted and the armchair steamed, but hey, he's
the same guy that drove to your apartment at 3am to bring you pudding.
Give that some thought on the drive home; just be sure to keep the
windows down.
