The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

The death toll for Americans killed by the flu stands at over 60 million as of tonight, caused by what most media sources describe as a "gigantic, massive" shortage in flu-shots.

"Americans are dying left and right," reported Fox news anchor Dave Huddleston on the 10 o'clock news at a Philadelphia, PA station last night. "In fact, this guy I saw coming when I was coming in here was like, 'Jesus Christ, I'm dying of the flu,' and I said, 'This thing is out of control!' And it is, America. It is out of fucking control."

CBS news anchor Dan Rather called the lack of flu shots "the biggest motherfucking crisis humanity has ever faced."

"All hell has broken loose here at our stations," he shouted, a flashing red light of what was presumably some kind of flu emergency siren washing over his face. "I have been in the news business for over 500 years, and believe me when I say that the lack of flu shots this year is the worst thing in history."

"Ladies and gentlemen," he added gravely as an explosion rocked the desk and rained glass down on him, "America is doomed."

CNN news anchor Wolf Blitzer, meanwhile, suggested that other countries "might be a good place to turn right about now."

"Iraq is seriously about one hundred million times better than this right now," he said. "If I wasn't such a dedicated news reporter committed to giving you the straight story, I myself would be on my way there right now. But alas, I have to stay here and report on the Death Flu that now envelops our country."

Blitzer then injected what he called a "homemade flu vaccine" into his left arm and collapsed on the floor moments later, twitching uncontrollably.

Contrary to these alarming reports, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson issued a statement today telling Americans that the vaccine shortage is "not a crisis" and that no severe flu threat even exists right now.

"I really don't know why the news stations -- and even the political candidates -- are giving this issue so much attention," he said, bewildered. "We've got a shipment of more vaccines on the way, and -- "

At this point, Thompson was suddenly interrupted by a crazed Larry King, who bit the man savagely in the face and shouted, "Why are you lying to the public, Tommy? WE'RE IN A FUCKING CRISIS HERE AND CNN HAS YOU COVERED!"

Frightened by the news, many Americans have jammed local doctor's offices by the hundreds as they line up to get their shots, with a few elderly citizens even dying in line as they awaited their vaccination.

"I feel bad that that one old woman died, but to be brutally honest, I'm also glad, because if I don't get that fucking shot, I will die," said one man. "Or at the very least, experience a fever and weakness for a few days."

"Hello there, sonny," croaked one elderly man with a smile. "I'm just here adjusting my dentures and waiting for my shot, and hoping I don't piss myself --"

The man's face then fell to one side, revealing a young man underneath.

"HE'S FAKING!" shouted another elderly man nearby who was presumably actually elderly, grabbing his cane and descending on the hapless imposter. "HE'S TRYING TO TAKE THE SHOTS!"

The issue has become one of the most important of the presidential campaigns, with candidate Senator John Kerry charging that he could've done more than President Bush to "stop the insanity".

"I could've seen the future!" he shouted crazily. "I could've, and I would've!"

Bush, meanwhile, suggested that John Edwards, by being a former lawyer, caused the flu somehow.

"Those trial lawyers are always...you know, and that stuff!" Bush yelled. "Lawyers! Am I right?"