The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

Surviving Christmas

The question is not whether the characters in the incomprehensible Surviving Christmas will indeed survive Christmas, the question is will you survive this movie.

A post-J-Lo Ben Affleck plays a neurotic ad executive who rents out a blue-collar family for Christmas in hopes of achieving some kind of catharsis. James Gandolfini and Catherine O'Hara play the heads of household that Affleck financially coerces and torments.

They're not the only ones that are tormented by this National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation knock-off that makes you want to kill yourself every bit as much as Christmas with your family does.

Affleck deserves to be beaten to death with his Oscar. His performance gave me emotional diarrhea for days. Gandolfini has proved that, unless he's disguising himself as a sanitation entrepreneur and balling hookers on HBO, his career is going to be left out in the weeds somewhere.

Catherine O'Hara was grossly underused. If you've seen Best in Show or A Mighty Wind, you know that she could have easily carried this movie all by herself. Instead, it took long-shot comedic attempts that didn't pay off.

One thing that I do have to hand to Surviving Christmas is that it almost made me walk out of the theater. And I've never done that. I haven't gotten the urge to do that since I saw the 1993 all-female western Bad Girls.

The Grudge

If nothing else can be said about The Grudge, it has made me lose all confidence in the American horror movie. It's bad enough to go and remake a Japanese horror movie, but to get the original director to remake it, then take that formula that can't lose and completely fail is simply inexcusable.

The Grudge probably won't scare you, because you'll be laughing the entire time. With a cast in its death throes, The Grudge offers very little street cred aside from producer Sam Raimi, who gave us the Evil Dead and Spider-Man movies. (Mr. Raimi-please stick to directing.)

I'm sure the original Japanese version is great, but the only way the Hollywood version could scare you is if someone threw a DVD copy at your head.

Team America: World Police

I spent nearly two weeks wondering what I was going to say about Team America: World Police after seeing it. After all, what can you really say about an all-puppet movie that slams the war on terror? And that question can get either easier or a world more difficult to answer when you consider that Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of "South Park," are the ones behind it.

Well, I could start by saying that it was very funny. Wait, I take that back. It was hilarious.

I imagine I felt that way because Team America not only ripped on all of the government- and otherwise-borne idiocy that has oozed through the cracks to involve each and every person in this country, it also ripped on every mindless action movie that affects me on a more personal level. Which goes to show you how twisted my priorities are.

If you're looking for the abridged version, Team America is basically an action movie made up entirely of puppets. It's intentionally cheesy, mocking the war on terror while hiding in plain sight. It plays out like an episode of "South Park" that never made it to TV. If you can appreciate the humor, but are sick of the sight of Eric Cartman, Team America is your bag.

And the puppet porno scene was really hot!

Shall We Dance? 0

These kinds of movies are killing me. Maybe it's Richard Gere cast as a kind husband/father who's lost his way somewhere down the line and goes through a spiritual yet boring journey to get back on track. Maybe it's the overwhelming need for Hollywood to remake any movie that's been done overseas by ripping the heart and soul out of it while dragging some of their biggest drips in, ensuring that the original filmmakers take a blood oath to see that those responsible pay, and pay dearly.

Gere plays a happily married man who stumbles into a dance studio after getting a glimpse of Jennifer Lopez's ass. She doesn't want his raggedy ass, but he sticks around anyway and takes ballroom lessons. Suddenly all of the problems he's ever had aren't so bad anymore as he's found a new lease on life through the power of dance.

Shall We Dance? is like watching an infant fall down several flights of stairs. It's horrifying, but the part of you that slows down to gawk at a grisly car accident keeps you in your seat, and the memory will ultimately wake you from a sound sleep, screaming in terror.

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MA YORAL SURVIVOR: A BEAST CONTEST

ATTENTION BEAST READERS! The BEAST needs you to be the next Mayor of our dear city. That's right! We want you, a lowly loyal BEAST reader, to be the next Mayor of the city of Buffalo. WE ARE TOTALLY SERIOUS! We are launching a search for 16 contestants willing to run for the position of Mayor in 2005...

The BEAST's Voting Guide of FEAR

We're looking forward to this election like we'd look forward to a hemorrhoidectomy. That's because George Bush is probably going to win. He's either going to win outright and Kerry will humbly concede, or he's going to rig or steal it in a squeaker, resulting in Kerry and the Democrats putting up a meek fight before humbly conceding. The electorate, at least those that were so passionate about anybody-but-Bush, will cry, whine a lot, accept it, lick their wounds and crawl back into their cubicles of prefabricated contentment, preferring to get an early start on their Christmas shopping.

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween

Al Uthman

1. The Supreme Court. Not only could this body again determine the outcome of this election by a widely scorned 5-4 vote based on indefensible logic, but if Bush stays in power he'll get the chance to ensure a religious right majority for decades-say goodbye to Roe v Wade. Chief Justice Rehnquist is about to go down, and if Kerry wins, that means a chance to tip the scales in favor of reason.

Onward Christian Assholes Matt Taibbi

Nothing brings out the inner Mazes and Monsters fanatic in the fundamentalist Christian like a war. Times of peace and prosperity are, for the deep believer, relative fallow periods, where all the drama of existence is confined to shouting matches at P.T.A. meetings and pseudonymous requests for sexual advice in whispered late-night phone calls to Dr. Laura.

A Word From Our Sponsors

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Buffalo in Briefs

Fiscal Diarrhea - Frankly, we're speechless. What haven't we already said about Erie County's fiscal meltdown under Don Joel Giambra? The Tobacco Settlement money's long gone (except for the debt we owe on the loans against the payoff), ECMC's been sold and mortgaged for over a $100 million, and the county still faces a $130 million deficit. Didn't this guy just get re-elected? What the hell are you people thinking?

A Talk With Sam Hoyt

Eric Gauchat

Sam Hoyt caught my attention during the Democratic primary for the 144th NY Assembly District. During that race, Hoyt, a 12-year incumbent in the post, faced Joe Golombek, a Buffalo City Councilman. The race was very close, with Golombek launching an intense campaign backed by a number of people, including County Executive Joel Giambra. Hoyt managed to take the nomination, almost assuredly locking a victory in the Democrat-heavy 144th.

Give 'em Enough Pink Ribbon to Hang Themselves

Kit Smith

Breast Cancer Awareness Month was launched in 1985 by Zeneca Pharmaceuticals. Zeneca is the company that manufactures the widely prescribed breast cancer drug Nolvadex (generic name tamoxifen), and operates a chain of cancer care centers. No conflict of interest there! All TV, radio, and print media regarding Breast Cancer Awareness Month are paid for and must be approved by Zeneca. But wait; there's more.

Scary Election Funpage!

Fun Games and Facts About the Upcoming Election.

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