O Buffalo: Don't Move to Canada; Bring Canada
Here -- by Allan Uthman
time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be
the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness
to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice,
if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our
nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire
to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it.
America has spoken, and it said "duh."
be honest, I don't really buy it. I was fully expecting a rigged result,
and, despite a mainstream media blackout on the subject (with the notably
odd exception of MSNBC's Keith Olbermann), there is copious and indisputable
evidence of that. Numerous counties in Ohio and Florida reported many
thousands more votes than there were registered voters-in other words,
a more than 100% turnout. Oddly enough, these anomalies only occurred
in counties where electronic voting machines were used, and seemed to
fall exclusively in Bush's favor.
strange coincidence: although the glaring, inexplicable discrepancies
between exit polls and official results in the swing states have been
widely blamed on flawed exit polls, no one seems to know why the exit
polls in non-swing states were dead on. What's odd is that, while the
press has declared unanimously that the election went smoothly, normal
people-at least around here-have no trouble believing the whole operation
was a sham. "Yeah, probably," they say, "but what are
you gonna do?"
know, I know: you don't want to hear about it. Well, neither do I. I've
had just about enough of this crap. If obvious vote fraud is swept under
the rug, this isn't a real democracy or a free country. I want out.
now we've all seen that funny pic dividing the upper two thirds of North
America into "The United States of Canada" and "Jesusland."
Like a lot of good jokes, it presents an uncomfortable truth: The split
Northeast/West Coast blue states have more in common politically with
Canadians than with their Southern and Midwestern countrymen.
of liberals are currently looking to our saner cousin with yearning
in their hearts, but Canada has issued stern preemptive warnings not
to get any bright ideas. Keep your distance, she says, I'm not that
kind of girl. But what if there were another way
a way we could
leave this nutty nation, but keep our friends and our community? Well
maybe, for Buffalo, there is such a way.
propose that Buffalo simply secede from this dysfunctional union of
states and join Canada. We're right on the border anyway, and it's been
pretty clear for a while that our state and federal governments don't
care very much for us. Frankly, the likely fate of Buffalo, New York,
couldn't be much worse. Buffalo, Ontario, on the other hand, has an
extremely bright future ahead of it.
think of the advantages:
Universal health care
+ Better education
+ More sensible government with relatively reasonable levels of corruption
+ Environmental cleanup and beautification
+ Freedom from responsibility for world affairs
+ Way better anthem
+ No chance of getting drafted
+ "Liberal" is an adjective, not an epithet
+ They'd probably even finish the subway
+ All voting is done on paper ballots and hand-counted
+ The newly Canadian Sabres would be playing better hockey within weeks
does Canada gain? Aside from self-satisfaction, that's a trickier question.
Maybe to seal the deal, we could offer to change the name of our town
to the original "Beau Fleuve," or "beautiful river"
in French. A gesture like this might go a long way.
about it: robust social services, regular visits to the doctor, decriminalized
marijuana, cheap prescriptions, a cleaner environment, functioning regulatory
bodies, civil cops, smarter neighbors, and a lot less anger.
course, there would be some drawbacks: dealing with the alien metric
system, having the Queen of England on our money, boring pop music,
and snotty French separatists (yes, I recognize the irony). Going to
a special store that's hardly ever open to buy beer, and bars closing
at 1am (probably not a bad thing overall).
Buffalo would be cool, different, even exciting in the Canadian context.
And we'd be a focus of anger and envy among our former compatriots.
Plus we'd have dental.
it really be possible? What legal obstacles would the Queen City need
to hurdle in order to join our milder neighbors to the North? To find
out, I called a Toronto lawyer who practices international law. At first
he laughed when I asked him my question. "Well," he said,
"I can certainly understand why you'd feel that way this week."
I'm not kidding," I told him. "Seriously. Could it be done?"
on, gimme a break.'
really. I want my city and surrounding region to be absorbed by your
tone grew impatient. "That's insane. How would you even go about
something like that?"
what I'm asking you," I said.
can't do that! There's just no way. The U.S. would never let you go,
and Canada wouldn't dare touch you. Nobody wants to piss off the U.S.,
especially now. Anyway, I specialize in extradition."
it?" I asked.
course that's it! You can't just redraw a national border because you
don't like the current government! What do you think this is, World
War One? Besides, I doubt you'd have majority support even locally."
I have a feeling they might go for it," I said. "Things are
pretty tragic around here."
it still doesn't matter. Just forget it. Face it; you're stuck over
there. What makes you think we'd even want you? You people are dangerous!"
we have an NFL franchise, for one," I said. "Plus you'd have
both sides of the falls-I'm pretty sure we could get Niagara in on the
ummm, that's about it I guess."
lawyer laughed. "Exactly. And your side of the Falls smells terrible
you don't have to be a dick," I said.
you know, even if we did want you, it just couldn't be done.
You'd start a war. There's no way. Look, I gotta go. How did you get
my number, anyway?"
that's it. Bummer. No secular socialist paradise for us; we are forever
tethered to the self-persecuting poor; the religious seizure class;
the pathologically ignorant. What are you gonna do?
guess we'll just have to stay, figure out a way to kick the crap out
of these delusional zombies, and save the damned world.