The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

with Andrew Gullerstein

Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Why the hell did you concede, Scorpio? Do you think the Republicans would have done anything of the sort? Hell no, they'd be scratching and clawing for any kind of justification to hang on, and they'd probably figure out some ridiculous legal mechanism by which to claim victory. Christ, why is it that you look like such a wuss next to these guys when you're the only one who knows how to fire an M-16? Oh well, I guess your dignity was just too precious. Enjoy your front row seat for the dismantling of our civilization. At least you never made a funny noise like Dean, Scorpio.

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

How does it feel to be the most hated man alive, Sagittarius? I guess you're probably not really aware of that, insulated as you are from reality. Go ahead, have another beer; Uncle Dick's got everything under control. You did your part. Time to pay attention to your wife, Sagittarius; remember what she did to her last boyfriend.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Don't be sad, Capricorn; you did everything you could. You voted, you argued, you even tried to convince your meathead truckdrivin' brother not to vote. Now you're heartbroken, but think about it: at least you get to feel good about who you are relative to everyone else, and hatred for the government is really great for rock and roll. And another thing to cheer you up: your brother actually voted for Nader; he just doesn't want his friends to call him a fag.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

It's time to stop bitching about the election, Aquarius. No, I'm not saying the country should move on or "America has spoken" or any of that stupid shit. In fact, I personally plan to bitch about it for at least the next four years. But there's a reason for that, Aquarius: I voted. You didn't, and although you will pretend you voted to your friends and coworkers, you and I both know you didn't. So shut your worthless hole, Aquarius; this bullshit is your fault and you know it.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Stop holding up the vote count, Pisces; you know you lost. If you go through with your plans to somehow use connections to fudge the count, your soul will be forever lost, as if it weren't already. Your sadistic manipulation of your opponent's record in the state assembly has already earned you a special place in hell, but you might be able to work it off I you stop being such a whiny loser and concede already, Nancy.

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

I think I get it now, Aries; your lack of visibility during the weeks leading up to November 2nd was part of a master plan to run for President in 2008. Pretty seedy stuff, but I have to admit it's a good plan; four more years of these dicks and we'd vote for an egg salad sandwich to get them out. Some advice for the campaign: stop dyeing your hair and let your face sag a little. We're a superficial nation, but we generally don't elect teenagers.

Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Hoo-eee, Taurus, that was a close one, wasn't it? Good thing you finally figgered out how to do that votin' thing, or them faggits would be all messin' with your marriage and stuff, and that's just not right! Now that a holy man's in charge again, you just know he's gonna git them queers, right? Next up's them coloreds, I reckon-'bout durn time, right Taurus? Yee-ha!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Man, things are really working out for you, aren't they Gemini? You're richer than ever, it even looks like you might get a flat tax, and freedom from legal liability's just around the corner! It's really amazing how all that money makes it so easy to ignore the homeless people you have to step over to get to the office. Well, the underage houseboys don't hurt either, do they Gemini? Good thing you're with the party of values. By the way, Gemini, you're going to get run over next week.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

It's time to move to Jesusland, Cancer; we don't want you here in the United States of Canada anymore. What are you doing here anyway, when you could be with your brethren, playing in a jug band or whatever the hell you retards do for fun? Just move to Alabama, buy a couple of slaves and set yourself up with a dirt farm and a teenage cousin…you'll never have to feel inferior again, and you won't have to pretend to tolerate fags either. Take your fucking "values" and get out of here, Cancer; I hope you choke to death on a moon pie.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Sorry about the same sex marriage ban, Leo; guess you'll just have to settle for not getting burned at the stake. At least you don't have to pay for the reception now. If it's any consolation, Tracey's been getting the crap humped out of her daily by her yoga instructor for three months now.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Doesn't take much to become a Secretary of State these days, does it, Virgo? All you need is nothing: no integrity, no conscience, no shame, no soul. In fact, your heart is an abysmal void, and your ass a cavernous receptacle for the toxic emissions of your horrendous superiors in the Satanic chain of command. Keep it up, asshole, and you'll soon be slithering up Katherine Harris' slime trail; all your party asks in return is that you sell out democracy. Die, Virgo.