A Letter to Marshall Wittman
about a [Democratic Party] Chairman who hails from the reddest of red
states, a former Republican, ex-union official who worked with devout
Christians and is Jewish and has well-defined ties to the McCainiac-independent
voter? And all of the candidates express their appreciation of the power
of the Internet, why not a Chairman who resides there? The Moosewhat's
not to like!
antlered one could certainly give the donkey a well-placed kick in the
behind and transform him into a reform animal. And the Moose certainly
knows the adversary since he was once privy to the counsels of the DeLays,
Santorums, Norquists and Reeds.
Moose shouldn't make a hasty decision. Perhaps he should embark upon
a listening tour of the blogosphere and hear from the Mooseketeers.
about it, Mooseketeers? Marshall Wittmann, the former legislative director
for the Christian Coalition and also a veteran talking head of such
excellent organizations as the Heritage Foundation and the Hudson Institute
(which hypes him as "one of the nation's most quoted analysts"),
offers himself as a candidate for the chair of the Democratic Party.
Wittmann, you see, is now an operative at the Democratic Leadership
Councilhe got the policy operative spot that opened up when Al
From and Bruce Reed were tipped off that their initial choice, Mobutu
Sese Seko, had been dead for years. So they brought in Wittmann, whose
chief credentials were that he used to stand guard for Ralph Reed at
church rest rooms whenever the latter ducked out of evening mass to
jerk off to Ranger Rick centerfolds.
calls himself the "Bull Moose," and his blog, bullmooseblog.com,
is one of two blogs funded and maintained by the Democratic Leadership
Council. The other, as previously noted in this space, is the no-less-loathsome
newdonkey.com, maintained by the noted corporate whore and windbag,
moose, and a donkey. The Democratic Leadership Council, it seems, is
a place where soulless 50-year-old men can dress up in Garanimals and
e-gloat about shooting our votes into space. It is really too bad the
guillotine has gone out of style.
above passage from Wittmann came from his Jan. 6 entry, and invited
his "Mooseketeer" readers to respond to his little bit of
self-promoting whimsy at this address: email@example.com. I encourage
readers of this column to send their own letters. I wrote one. Here
I don't think you should run for the chair of the Democratic Party.
I think you should get into your car, check into the nearest dingy motel,
eat one last cheeseburger and blow your brains out.
start with something smallyour nickname. To begin with, it's taken.
It belonged to a person that the world has judged to be of genuine historical
import, a man with balls, a person who, by all accounts, literally bowled
crowds of people over with his personality every time he entered a room.
on the other hand, are a nobody, a bureaucrat, a stuffed suit. You don't
have a single idea of your own. You have to honk in order to get served
at the local drive-thru. You think you're being cute and funny by taking
Teddy Roosevelt's nickname, but it's not funny. It's sad. What you are,
exactly, is a high school nerd who starts a Van Halen cover band and
does David Lee Roth kicks when he rocks out in his garage in front of
his only friend's eight-year-old brother. Outside that garage, the whole
world concludes that you will never reproduce. That's you in your DLC
offices, playing at being Teddy Roosevelt.
on with the theme of your nickname: It's not lost on anybody that this
animal-cracker blog business is a cute little insider thing among political
operatives in Washington, a little bit of fun people like you, Will
Marshall, and the Yak, Ed Gillespie, add to your professional profiles.
Politics is a serious business, but this is your way of saying, mainly
to each other, that it's not all serious, but also a little bit of a
significant that you and Marshall started your animal blogs after Gillespie,
the triumphant Republican, started the Yakjust as you're now pushing
a "Pennsylvania Avenue Project" to match Tom DeLay's "K
Street Project," and just as you wrote a long essay pleading with
Democrats to come up with their own version of Norquist's coalitions
and Gingrich's "Contract With America." Again, you have no
ideas of your own; you copy everybody, most enthusiastically the enemy.
there's a difference between your doing an animal blog and Ed Gillespie's
doing an animal blog. The difference is essentially the same difference
that separates the Democratic Party from the Republican PartyEd
Gillespie is a winner, you are a loser. The reason Ed Gillespie can
pull off treating politics like a game is that it is, and should be,
a game to an Ed Gillespie. He is, unabashedly, a professional con artist.
That's what a Republican political operative is supposed to docon
Americans who've had their jobs taken away by big business into voting
Republican anyway. And when he's done doing that, he's supposed to prance
around the beltway in a cap and bells, laughing to high heaven about
how cleverly he screwed the whole country. Government is a big frat
prank to people like Norquist and Gillespie, which is why frat names
work for them. It could have been Otter or Flounder. Gillespie chose
Yak. It makes sense.
don't want to be conned by their leaders; they want their party to actually
represent them. They do not want Otter or Flounder returning from the
offices of Eli Lilly or (more to the point) Loral Satellite with some
grand "realistic" plan to put a pair of Bible-thumping arms-
industry executives on the 2008 ticket. They do not want to be told
that this is the only way to get the "McCainiac" swing voter
(another one of your cute words) to go against the Republicans the next
time around. That shit does not work with the vast majority of Democrats.
They want men, not clowns, running things. And you, Marshall Wittmann,
are a fucking clown.
your time playing with your Teddy Roosevelt blog, Marshall. These salad
days are not going to last very long. If even one of your charges should
win the DNC chair elections next month, the time will come soon thereafter
that you and Al From and Bruce Reed are going to replace the Bushes
and Rumsfelds and Ashcrofts as the chief villains among progressive
young Americans. The next four years will not see George Bush's face
morphed with a white beard onto a photo of bin Laden and sent rocketing
around the internet; it will be your face, your beard. The next antiwar
demonstrations are not going to see "Buck Fush" and "No
Blood for Oil" posters by the tens of thousands racing down the
mall; the signs will read "Fuck Al From" and "I Hunt
are slowly coming to understand what the DLC is. You are a tiny gang
of needle-nosed cubicle slaves hired to sell out the genuine political
aspirations of millions of people. You have been hired to rush from
newsroom to newsroom badmouthing almost every principle your constituents
have held for decades, and to propagandize at every opportunity the
hopelessness of such ideas as peace, tolerance and ideological backbone.
bad enough that you are who you are. But that you should have fun doing
what you're doing is just flat-out intolerable. I wouldn't get too used
to it, if I were you. But that's just one Mooseketeer's opinion.