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 Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Y'know Aquarius, I've tried being nice with you and wearing the kid gloves, because you have no self-esteem and are a genuinely sad person. Yet every time I attempt to show you some kindness, you turn around and stick it up my ass with relish. Well, the gloves are off, you manipulative little asshole, and I don't want you to be surprised when you no longer have your shield from reality. You see Aquarius, the reason you have no self-esteem is because you are worthless. It's just that simple. You've spent your entire life crying publicly and playing the "poor me" game in order to gain sympathy just to fuck your sympathizers as soon as you get a chance. You are a sad, worthless pile of organic matter and the world would be a better place if your parents had made a smarter assessment of their genetic value. Much like mixing bleach and ammonia, a combination from which only nausea and respiratory arrest come. Fuck you, Aquarius, you're on my cosmic shit list now. Hell, even the stars can't stay far enough away from your ick.

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Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Well Pisces, no one can say that you didn't try. I mean some guys just fantasize about being able to blow themselves, but you made it your mission. All those special workouts and years of Yoga classes you attended just so that you might be the one. Yes, the one man that could fully pleasure himself and live free of the curse of woman. Hell, your dedication to this dream alone should have won you a Nobel Prize. Of course, that would be rather useless now that you're in traction and the doctors have given you very little hope that your neck vertebrae will ever heal. Please, Pisces, don't let the dream die. You may one day walk again; you may one day live your dream. Unless of course you get a bed sore, those damn things will kill you. Just ask Superman.

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Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Aires, for a hardcore lesbian you seemed rather interested in some dick. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just changes the whole dynamic that we've been operating under. The whole thing is just kind of weird and calls for a new set of guidelines to be established. It's sort of like discovering a new planet and not being sure if the native species are harmless Fraggles or those damned Ewoks. Yeah, I know what you're gonna say about the Ewoks but those fuckers were going to eat Han, Luke and Chewbacca. People like to forget that part. So, like I said, it's not a bad thing just weird and potentially cannibalistic.

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Taurus (April 21 - May 20)

Taurus, let me make this quick: You're an asshole. Just so we're clean on this. You're an asshole. I simply don't want there to be any confusion on the subject, you're an asshole and that all there is to it Taurus. But you should know this, being the asshole that you are. Not much else to say, asshole; I have to move on to more worthwhile people.

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 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, you know that light switch in your front hall that doesn't seem to be connected to anything and every time you walk by you flick it about a dozen times? Well, you should stop that because there is a dude in Finland who is going to hop on a plane and kick the shit out of you. Believe me, sleep depravation can do that to you, and it takes a lot to piss of a Fin. Just because the switch doesn't do anything for you doesn't mean it doesn't do anything. You might think it's fun but that poor bastard's house looks like a Poltergeist frat house every time you can't control your urges. Have a heart Gemini, enough foreigners hate us without adding Finland to the list.

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Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, the stars have told me your lucky number and said that it can change your life for the better if used properly. The number is "Zadnpf." Apparently it exists between fourteen and fifteen and hasn't been discovered by mathematicians as of yet. The stars also mentioned that it wouldn't be discovered for about three hundred years. So you're kinda fucked on this one Cancer. Have you considered investing in Cryogenics?

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Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, what can I say? You were right, the dumb ass was going to break his neck if he tried blowing himself. You should give him props because the paramedics told me that he actually did get it in his mouth just seconds before his neck broke. Basically, what I am saying is that I'm not really sure if I owe you the $25 because he technically was blowing himself before his spine snapped and the wording of the bet was that he would break his neck if he "tried" to blow himself. We can talk about it later. If you go to visit Pisces, just be sure to give him the "keep dreaming the dream" shit. It helps take his mind of being a cripple.

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Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, it takes a man with gigantic balls and a heart of stone to drink another man's chocolate milk. Did you even think about what you were doing? Perhaps you just opened the fridge and said, "Hey, there's some delicious chocolate milk, nobody could be saving that." I hope you enjoyed every last drop of it before you buried the evidence in the garbage can like a dead hooker. All the while the true victim lay in his bed with dreams of sailing upon calm milk chocolate seas in search of chocolate chunk islands, only to wake to the ugly sting of betrayal. One day you'll pay for your treachery, Virgo, for the Devil will have his due.

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Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, because you are a pain in the ass, the Cosmos and I are in agreement that from now on people should refer to their hemorrhoids only as "Libra" and do away with calling them hemorrhoids. That's all I have for you Libra; now go play on some train tracks.

 

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Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)

Scorpio, I know you've been wondering what would happen if you asked out that really hot chick at the coffee shop. Well, I conferred with the stars and have your answer. She would say "no," and you would be emotionally crushed. Then you would start parking outside the coffee shop every night just to stare at her through the window. Shortly after that you would begin to follow her home and park near her house until you saw all the lights go out. This would continue until you became increasingly bold. I really don't need to finish this Scorpio; just accept that asking her out is not a good idea. As for the girl at the deli? Well I have a feeling that her club foot will dance it's way into your heart. Well, maybe it won't dance.

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Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21)

Sagittarius my sweet, if you're going to walk around naked in front of your windows with the curtains open, then please have the decency to stick to a set schedule. I've wasted three sick days this week and it's gotten to the point where I am losing sleep trying to lock down the pattern, but you simply refuse to cooperate. How else am I going to know when to have the camera set up or my friends over? Have some decency, Sagittarius, because I really love tits.