The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

A Beast Reader Opinion
By Bill "The Tiger" Donovan

This tiger may be getting a little long in the tooth baby, but this tiger will bite you. Oh yes, he will bite you baby. Ouch! Don't be scared momma. The tooth isn't the only thing of the tiger's that's getting longer. Wait, where are you going? Sometimes the tiger just gets a little crazy baby. Crazy for you! Rargh!

This tiger is definitely still on the prowl.

All those young cats won't know how to treat a fine lady like yourself. Oh no, not like the tiger. On our first date we can stop by the yarn store, to buy a ball of yarn so those young cats will have something to play with while this tiger teaches you all about the jungle; the hills, valleys, foliage and wildlife.

And by wildlife the tiger doesn't mean crabs, he means his penis. The tiger just wanted to make that clear. This tiger bought a special shampoo. Rargh!

This tiger is showing no signs of slowing down but you have just stopped him dead in his tracks! God Damn you are sexy! You deserve the "tiger treatment." Ouch! Do you see these whiskers on the tiger's face? The tiger calls that the old flavor saver, so why don't you have a seat and the tiger will purr for you. Sweet Jesus, you are Dee-vine!

What's that my baby? Oh I see; the hunter has become the hunted, predator become prey and you got the tiger in the sights of your love gun. It's cool baby, pull that trigger baby, pull it, pull it, pull it, pull it, oh, oh, wait, wait don't go.

Did the tiger mention this tiger has a gift certificate to Applebee's? You can get what ever you want, except the surf and turf. And there might not be enough for dessert. You won't need dessert because this tiger has something much sweeter for you; a whole night of earth shattering orgasms-the kind that will make you wonder where you are.

You'll be in tiger town.

We probably shouldn't get a lot of drinks either, because the gift certificate is only for $25. Not to worry sweet thing, the tiger has some Nyquil back at his place. The tiger cleaned up a bit; he even polished the head with a toothbrush, which is something the tiger saw in a war movie and did because he thought you would appreciate a clean bathroom.

The tiger is fastidious in its cleanliness, the tiger saw that on another cable channel. The tiger also saw an ad for BowFlex. In 6-8 weeks the tiger had that BowFlex and that's why the tiger has bad credit and the body of a Greek god!

As if you needed to ask, this tiger is feelin' fine and frisky, fit as a fiddle, wanna spread you wide open and get down in the middle! Rargh! This tiger is still on the prowl!

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The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.

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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.

Devil in an Ice Blue Dress

Matt Taibbi

I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us.

2004 Timeline: The Year in Regret

[sic] - letters

CHEQUE YOURSELF
Mr. Uthman,

I found your magazine online through a link to your '50 Most Loathsome People' article. Great stuff. However, as a Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in your otherwise insightful 'O Buffalo' article:

Time Lies

Matt Taibbi

...What was great about Sullivan's "Year of the Insurgents" column last week was how beautifully it threw the rest of the "Person of the Year" issue into contrast. Here's Sullivan bitching about bloggers needing to stay on the margins where they belong; meanwhile, his "respectable" media company is joyously prancing back and forth along 190 glossy pages with George Bush's cock wedged firmly in its mouth.

Disinformation Age

Allan Uthman

....The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed. Mundane, oafish Americans, in a national competition to see how many $3.99 “support our troops” ribbon magnets they can fit onto the backs of their Suburbans, simply aren’t interested in reality...Let’s face it; there is a sizable chunk of the population who deny the validity of evolution—evolution. Who are we kidding, thinking we can make them see the errors in Social Security privatization?

Power 1, Truth 0

Michael Manville

On December 12th I opened my Sunday edition of the Los Angeles Times and saw in the obituaries that Gary Webb was dead. More specifically, I saw that Gary Webb had killed himself. He had, it seems, shot himself in the head. When movers arrived at his house on Saturday they found a note on the door that said "Please do not enter. Call 911 and ask for an ambulance."

Drowning the Scorpion

Stan Goff

When I was first invited by Dr. Stephen Smith to speak at Winthrop University in South Carolina, I was preparing a trip to Haiti and I didn't give much thought to how I would handle the engagement. I'd just finished being pole-axed by a bout of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and it was everything I could do to just pull the Haiti trip together. So I didn't pay much attention to the person who would appear with me - one Patrick Clawson - to represent "the other side" in a forum/debate billed as "What Next in Iraq? A Post-Election Perspective."

The Top 10 Hacks of the 2004 Election

Matt Taibbi

10 - GEORGE WILL, NEWSWEEK: Will uses big words and pompous literary references to dress up what are basically the brutish and vulgar thinking patterns of a non-union meat-packing plant owner. He is a pig in a lace hat.

Pick of the Litter

Pat Ragpicker

It's 4am on a winter night, and I'm parked on a dead end street near Kaisertown. It’s a secluded corner of the city I found by driving around aimlessly. I'm new to town, and penniless after buying my van with $700 I squirreled away the last time I got a paycheck. That was 7 months ago. Over those months, I managed to live off a few hundred bucks while sleeping in a warehouse closet and helping some friends make a TV show to try selling to a network.

Tortures-R-Us

Christopher Lord

Iraqis wondering what the next phase of the Republicans' invasion of their country will bring should consider El Aguacate airstrip in Honduras. In 2001, 185 bodies were dug up there: the victims were the 'terrorists' and 'enemies of democracy' of the day.

O Buffalo

Al Uthman

It's time to face some unpleasant facts, Buffalo. This country may not be the best place for us anymore. On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will. We had the chance to reject the increasing madness of our nation's leadership, their blind march to pointless war and craven desire to take advantage of us in every manner conceivable, and we blew it. America has spoken, and it said "duh."