I'd love some blow," said star Tom Cruise in answer to
a question about mainstream values that contained no reference
to drugs. "Chris Rock was funny, huh?"
right wingers took issue with Rock's performance, and his
selection as the night's MC. "Polls consistently show
that the majority of people in the United States are not even
black, nor have they ever been," said a spokesman for
the conservative think tank The Office of Strategically Named
Think Tanks. "However, we still find that Hollywood,
with its divisive agenda, forces us to pretend it's okay for
them to misrepresent us."
News pundit Bill O'Reilly called the Oscars "an appalling
display" on his prime time show "The O'Reilly Factor,"
complaining of Rock's "racist and anti-American"
jokes, and also decried the fashions on display.
Hayek's shocking cleavage was bad enough, but when I saw Rene
Zellwegger's near-satanic combination of dyed black hair,
pale white skin and tight red mermaid outfit, I was so outraged
that I got a raging erection," said the conservative
pundit on his popular show. "I had no choice but to spend
the entire duration of the broadcast defiling myself with
a vibrator and Murphy's Oil Soap. It was a disgusting, sick
display, and it just goes to show that Hollywood has not learned
anything from George Bush winning the last election by a razor-thin
heads are not the only ones to find fault with Hollywood.
Regular middle Americans are voicing their concerns as well.
understand that sex sells, but this is ridiculous," said
Seth Greenwood, 42, of Littlefield, NV, well into his third
hour of watching an all-night "Wild On
on the E! network. "This sickening show promotes wanton
depravity and the objectification of women." Checking
his VCR to make sure he was getting the show on videotape,
Greenwood added, "Brook Burke's incredibly hot ass is
clearly a product of the liberal media elite. Where is the
FCC in all of this? Jesus, that bitch is one hot slut."
Hardwick of Virginia agrees. "I just saw Million Dollar
Baby last night, and I was appalled," the career alcoholic
and stay-at-home mom said. "I fully expect to be similarly
offended when I see Be Cool next weekend."
Hargowiz of Dallas, Texas, echoed these sentiments while trolling
an adult bookstore for a young male prostitute. "These
bleeding hearts need to realize that most Americans don't
want their filth, and would rather hear about faith and values
than the smut they peddle. So, you want to come back to my
entertainers argue that movies and television are precisely
tailored to match the tastes of Americans. "Everything
is focus-grouped and test-marketed to death here," says
Hollywood film producer Kim Jong Lowenstein. "Showgirls
was actually about a kid with AIDS before it went to test
marketing. But it did poorly, and then we realized it got
a huge bump for every naked breast we put in there, and things
just kind of snowballed from there."
red state voters are hopelessly out of touch with the reality
of American values," said Alec Baldwin from his new home
in France Tuesday. "Which is that we have to sell movies
and TV shows which promote gay sex and lower women's self-esteem
enough that they will sleep with old perverts. Like Bill O'Reilly."