Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
April 20-May 4, 2005 Issue #73
 As Seen on T.V.
TOP GOON
Hollywood Egomaniac Threatens Beast Over Alleged "Need for Speed"
SPANKING THE DONKEY
On The Campaign Trail with The Democrats
by Matt Taibbi
THE CHURCH OF ACCOUNTABILITY
Primary Challenge Raises Secondary Concerns
by Allan Uthman
THE WORD IS HACK
The Impossible Physics of Thomas Friedman's Brain
by Matt Taibbi
BRIAN HIGGINS IS A TOOL
New Representative Jettisons Principles in Record Time
by Paul Fallon
WHY IS TOM CRUISE SUCH A DICK?
The BEAST Investigates
20 FUNNIEST THINGS ABOUT TELEVANGELIST DON STEWART GOING TO HELL
A Totally Original Idea

by N. Sorrenti
BEAST VIDEO
BEAST Story and Clip on Celebrity Justice

50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE OF 2004

Read Controversial List
RSS FEED
ISSUE#73 PDF FILE
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Corner
Audio Files
Comix
NEW! Angry Voicemails
[SIC] - Your Letters
Advertiser Index
 
BEAST ARCHIVES
BEAST LINKS
BEAST SUBSCRIPTIONS
BEASTLY MERCHANDISE

As Divined By Your Ethereal Guide - Andrew Gullerstein

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aries my dear fool, there is really not much I can say about your most recent achievements in idiocy. It is one thing to watch those commercials for male body spray and actually believe that if you use the stuff women will clamor for you. It is quite another thing to spray half a can of that pungent shit on your genitals. After all, Aries, the product is called a "body spray," not a "testicle spray," and how many women actually walk up to guys in public and take a good sniff of their crotch? Not only did you not get laid, but spent an entire night in the hospital screaming in pain because your balls had a chemical burn. Listen up, Aries, if there was a chemical that caused women to lose control and have sex with any guy who used it, my guess is that it would cost a lot more than three dollars a can.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, some men are destined for greatness, while others are destined to give me a large coffee with cream and a double toasted bagel with butter every morning. You are the latter, Taurus, so when I ask for the bagel to be double toasted I expect it to be so. If I want to eat a soggy half-toasted bagel in the morning I will be sure to ask for one; otherwise just do as you're asked, Taurus. One more complaint to the manager and it's back to the medical testing lab for income and you know it. So my recommendation is that you do your job, Taurus, and be sure to do it with a smile.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, as you are well aware it's that time of year again when you need to head down to the police station and update your personal information in the registered sex offenders database. I know you don't like it, Gemini, because you served your time and you think it infringes on your rights, but the issue remains that you are a totally vile scumbag. Since you are a total scumbag, you will have to stay registered, which you should consider a gift compared to what I would like to be done with you, you miserable piece of shit. After taking a pair of vice grips to your crotch I would insist that you are accompanied by guys wearing "I'm with rapist" t-shirts with the arrow always pointing to you. Fuck you Gemini; I hope they circulate your picture at the block party again this year.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer my friend, maybe it is time we talked about your little problem with sticking sweet potatoes up your ass as part of your kitchen prep for the dinner rush. Everyone knows that unpleasant things happen to their food in restaurant kitchens, but ass-marinated sweet potatoes are way beyond the realm of the acceptable. Let's also add that all sorts of questions come to mind as to how easily you fit large tubers up your ass with little discomfort. I have a feeling there are multiple reasons behind your problem, Cancer, and that you should probably make your way to a therapist before you graduate into any of the other food groups. Until then I will stay at the bar.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, we need to have a little chat about the farting. It used to be kind of funny, but as of late it has gotten out of hand. It just seems that you can't go anywhere without soiling yourself and not quietly might I add. You wife has installed so many air purifiers in the house that it has more than doubled your electric bill, and yet you just go on polluting with reckless abandon and taking such frightening pleasure in it. Last time I had you over to hang out we had to repaint living room after you left, and let us not even get into the chair. Please, Leo, either speak to the pharmacist about some anti-gas options or stop eating so much damn Chinese food. If something doesn't happen soon we may need to conduct an intervention for you own good, Leo, and don't even try blaming the dog.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, I think it is time you spent a little less time on the internet and a little more time outside. This is for your own good Virgo, and if you could see yourself from an outside perspective you would probably agree. Lets start with the fact that due to a lack of exposure to natural light you look like a damn Albino, and from certain angles your skin is starting to appear transparent. Next I would like to address the issue of the rather unpleasant smell that has over taken your apartment. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but I am sure that the department of health has a classification for it. Finally, there is the incident involving your internet service going down and you smearing your own feces on the walls in response. Please Leo, just go for a walk to the store. The internet will be there when you get back.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Hey there Libra, I couldn't help but notice you at the mall last week sitting outside the lingerie shop, fondling yourself discreetly under those Banana Republic bags. It was really funny watching you play with yourself, especially when the mall security guard asked if you would move because the women in the store had complained about you. You argued with the guard about your rights, but your true motivation lay in the fact that had you stood up you would have been guilty of public indecency and/or lewd conduct. I really think you need to stay away from the whole public masturbation thing, Libra, because you may not be able to hold on to those teaching credentials if you keep it up.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov 21)

Scorpio, if you are going to work in an office full of people, then you will have to take a shower at least three times a week, and that is a conservative estimate. I know the hippie ideals you have gathered from television tell you that bathing is only an occasional necessity, but social dogma dictates that no one should have to put up with you smelling like the crotch of a Sasquatch on a humid summer day. Stop being such a bullshit hippie asshole Scorpio, and hit the shower. Be sure to use soap this time, lots of it. Hell, maybe they won't make you eat lunch outside by the dumpster anymore.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

How are you doing, Sagittarius? I was sitting around recently talking with some friends about the new Star Wars movie due out soon, and a stray memory popped into my head that I had tried to put away. I remember being a child, standing in line to see Empire Strikes Back, and just as I was about to enter the theater, you exited an earlier screening, screaming aloud, "Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father!" I refused to believe it, but when the climactic moment came in the film it was ruined. An awesome childhood movie experience ruined because you are such an incredible asshole, Sagittarius, and to this day I hate you for it. I don't know why you did it, outside of the fact you have always been a piece of shit, but if I ever have the opportunity to pay you back I will, and in spades. In the meantime get your ass to work; you need the overtime to pay for your daughter's tuition, or should I say you best friend's daughter…

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Howdy Capricorn, I just wanted you to know that I spoke with Leo about all the farting and I think he gets the point. Hopefully you won't have to reupholster your car seats again. Just as a precaution we should try to avoid any restaurants that serve Chinese food or tacos when we go out from now on. I know it sucks, but we need to help him as much as he needs to help himself and, lets face it, his stench is unearthly. Just ask yourself how many shirts you've had to throw out because his farts somehow merged with the fabric. If he doesn't take action we should probably begin spiking his beverages with Maalox or something, the same way they used to spike Mr. T's milk on "The A-Team" in order to get him on the plane. If anything, at least winter is over and we can keep the windows down in the car.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)

Aquarius, this is issue three of my wanting to play with those magnificent boobs of yours. I noticed you were showing them off for me a little more last week, but that is not enough. I want to be welcomed as a citizen into the sovereign nation of Tittopia. I don't even need a full day, just one magnificent hour to explore your rolling hills and bountiful land of plenty. My face, your hooters-you know it's a perfect match, like chocolate and peanut butter. Hell it would be art given life. Some would say my obsession is unhealthy but that is not true, Aquarius, I'm just a guy who likes boobs.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, do you know what I hate? When you have a small piece of dry skin on your lip that needs to be removed because it is driving you nuts, and when trying to carefully pull it off you end up ripping a one and a half inch piece of healthy flesh off of your lip. Not only does it hurt like hell, but now your lip in bleeding all because of some rogue piece of dry skin. It is like some sick cosmic catch-22. You can't leave the offending dead skin hanging from your lip, and you can't remove the fucker without tearing a small painful hole in your lip. On a date night, this situation borders on evil; spend the night with dry hanging skin lip or open sore lip. The choice is yours, Romeo. A big pile of bullshit is what it is, Pisces. Well, I'll catch you later Pisces, I need to go buy some Carmex.

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