day, while shoveling coal, Don Stewart will make an ill-timed
Death Wish 2 reference within earshot of Charles
Bronson, and will rue that day for all eternity.
17. When Don Stewart goes to bed in Hell, he will
have to use a jagged red crystal for a pillow.
16. Someone, someday will drive by Don Stewart’s
grave and throw a green prosperity cloth on it.
15. In Hell, Don Stewart will Riverdance on hot coals
for a gob of used chaw, which he will not subsequently receive.
14. In Hell, the Devil will give Don Stewart the
nickname "The Girl Who Teaches Herself," and it
13. When Don Stewart arrives in Hell, he will take
a drink from a water fountain, and breast milk from a gorilla
will come out.
12. Unable to find pomade in Hell, Don Stewart will
have to start spiking his hair with Timothy McVeigh’s saliva.
11. Don Stewart will find a door marked ‘Exit’ in
Hell, but when he goes through it he will find himself in
a hotter, much more terrifying Hell.
10. Don Stewart will roll up the rim of his coffee
and win a jean jacket, but will never be able to cash it
in because there are no stamps in Hell.
9. Don Stewart will trade John Gotti ten years of
loyalty for a stamp, and order his jean jacket. But when
it arrives, Gotti will take it for himself and demand that
Stewart kiss the decayed knuckle where his ring used to
8. In Hell, Don Stewart will have to spend his second
1000 years listening to the theme music from "Perfect
Strangers" while a devil that looks just like Balki
Bartokomous stabs him in the neck with a stalagmite.
7. In Hell, Don Stewart will be given the position
of ‘Lesser Shoveling Minion", with a starting salary
of forty beatings per hour.
6. In the cafeteria, kitchen demons will spit in
Don Stewart’s bowl of rocks.
5. Don Stewart will walk too close to the lake of
fire, and his Fantastic Sam’s punch card will burn up.
4. One day, during his bi-hourly scalding, Don Stewart
will find a Faith, Health and Prosperity Miracle Bracelet
in his pocket and will realize momentarily what a rat fuck
heathen bastard prick he is for conniving people into thinking
he could heal them with costume jewelry.
3. Once in Hell, the horse that crippled Christopher
Reeves will steal Don Stewart’s identity, and run up massive
online gambling debts, destroying his credit score and dreams
of boat ownership.
2. Don Stewart will have to carry Yasser Arafat around
on his back as he searches the plains of Hell for bladder
medicine, which, of course, he will never find.
1. In Hell, Don Stewart will quickly learn the importance
of joining a gang for protection, but fearing the initiatory
‘Beat in’, he will be forced to join with a troop of carnival
chimps put to sleep for mauling visitors. The chimps will
consistently beat him at Scrabble.