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THE
BEAST PAGE 3
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Human
Dildo
Name:
Bertram Fields, AKA "mega lawyer to the stars"
Turn-ons:
Michael Jackson, head licking, Johnnie Cochran's rotting corpse,
comparing the plight of Scientologists to the Holocaust, pseudonyms,
writing trashy sex novels with thinly veiled autobiographical
lead characters, defending dead murdering hunchbacks, the
Earl of Oxford, empty threats of litigation and sucking money
from the asses of celebrities
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Turn-offs:
Michael Eisner, enlarged prostates, small independent newspapers
from Buffalo, when my wife clutters our Malibu estate with junk
from ebay, William Shakespeare, The first amendment and being
the Beast page 3 human dildo
How I Became The Beast Page 3 Human Dildo: Well, it's
pretty obvious these little smart-asses are trying to bait me.
Future
Plans: I see myself being a greedy, power drunk bitch
until my frail, decrepit body fails and I go straight to hell,
where I can fulfill my life long dream of representing Satan
(in person). I also plan to earn a ridiculous amount of money
in a hopeless series of lawsuits against the obviously satirical
Beast, despite the fact that they clearly have no money, and
any attempt to collect damages would be futile.
How
I'd Like to be Remembered: Not just as the author of historical
revisionist tripe widely disregarded by mainstream scholarship
or the pseudonymous author of jerk-off novels that sell for
50¢ on the internet, but as the bestest mega-lawyer ever,
who will stop at nothing to protect my insecure clients from
the opinions of others.
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