Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 
April 20-May 4, 2005 Issue #73
 As Seen on T.V.
TOP GOON
Hollywood Egomaniac Threatens Beast Over Alleged "Need for Speed"
SPANKING THE DONKEY
On The Campaign Trail with The Democrats
by Matt Taibbi
THE CHURCH OF ACCOUNTABILITY
Primary Challenge Raises Secondary Concerns
by Allan Uthman
THE WORD IS HACK
The Impossible Physics of Thomas Friedman's Brain
by Matt Taibbi
BRIAN HIGGINS IS A TOOL
New Representative Jettisons Principles in Record Time
by Paul Fallon
WHY IS TOM CRUISE SUCH A DICK?
The BEAST Investigates
20 FUNNIEST THINGS ABOUT TELEVANGELIST DON STEWART GOING TO HELL
A Totally Original Idea

by N. Sorrenti
BEAST VIDEO
BEAST Story and Clip on Celebrity Justice

50 MOST LOATHSOME PEOPLE OF 2004

Read Controversial List
RSS FEED
ISSUE#73 PDF FILE
Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Separated At Birth
Blind Date Scenario
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Corner
Audio Files
Comix
NEW! Angry Voicemails
[SIC] - Your Letters
Advertiser Index
 
BEAST ARCHIVES
BEAST LINKS
BEAST SUBSCRIPTIONS
BEASTLY MERCHANDISE
[SIC] Letters to Editor

ALL THE RIGHT CRUISE

Oh my god! I just saw you dildos on Celebrity Justice because of Tom Cruise! You looked very proud of yourselves saying that he is just a terrible actor, and that is why you wrote what you did. But now you are being sued and have brought more shame to Buffalo on a national level. Oh well, you haven't done any worse than our government has.

Keep up the good work,

Adrienne

Adrienne,

We resent your libelous characterization of us as "dildos." We are not dildos; we are authentic, genuine dicks.

 

MINORITY RETORT

Paul,

Hey there, I was just watching the news about what is going on with Tom Cruise and I thought "now who would say something so bad about Tom, who is a good actor and hey lets face it, he is damn good looking on top of that". Then I seen a clip with you and your sidekick Allan Uthman and that just said it all. It was pretty obvious that you are extremely JEALOUS of Tom because you are not so good looking your self. You should be embarrassed of your actions. That's okay though, just remember what goes around comes around and you have a great day sir.

bye bye,

Tom Cruise Fan

Dear Simpleton,

You are right; what goes around comes around. That is why you should be expecting a letter from someone who thought, "now who could be so stupid to think the Beast would be jealous of a midget scientologist. Then I read the letter by that Tom Cruise Fan and that just said it all. It was pretty obvious that this guy is extremely HORNY for Tom Cruise." You should be embarrassed by your amateur attempts at psychoanalysis.

 

COCK TALE

Paul, Allan, and Ian

About to turn in for the night I flipped HBO... I see a familiar blood red logo, the BEAST! WAIT THIS IS HBO, not WIVB (Ch 4). I saw Paul sticking it to Tom Cruise, Ian looking cool, and Al saying the whole point of a paper is to say whatever you want. I was blown away! They showed the site, they showed the guy who wrote that angry letter on Tom Cruise' behalf. That guy was whack he was all like, "Those people have no business being in business and maybe we'll put them out of business!" Cry baby!

That was great! FIGHT THE POWER! I hope this really brings you more success with the region. I don't remember seeing ARTVOICE on HBO anytime in memory.

Glad to see you guys keep getting better. Dr. Rotten Rules

I just couldn't believe it! It was surreal. First Baby Joe fights on HBO and now you guys. Maybe the upcoming issue will show a Jon Rigas being anally raped by Ted Turner as Adelphia has been bought by Time Warner. Or show "porn" in some way coming into Adelphia's doors big time.

--Noah

Noah,

What are you, Meshugana? We don’t mean to kvetch, but we haven’t been on HBO since the first season of "America Undercover, Hookers at the Point." We just had to get out the game. Vielen dank and enjoy your Passover.

 

GAYS OF THUNDER

Congratulations on naming Tom 'The ScientologyShill' Cruise as one of your most loathsome people.

I have had a website since 1997 at http://www.scientology-kills.org

You are, of course, aware of his recent loathsome act of sending plaques to journalists of 'The Scientology Code' and notes saying he'd made a donation in their name to a Scientology group?

...well, a group of friends and I have been gathering money and are planning to donate in Cruise's name to the International Cultic Studies Association (formerly known as the AFF), a group which holds seminars and distributes info on cults. I estimate we'll have about $1000 by April 15th, the cutoff date. We're also sending Cruise a certificate with '7 Marks of a Cult' on it--which we realize there's little chance he'll ever see.

HOWEVER--it might register in his itty bitty brain if a wonderful and highly regarded newspaper such as yours (*ahem*) mentioned it. In a fairly prominent place. In large type, maybe. And maybe his stupid, gorilla lawyer will write and threaten you again--or better--ME!

I haven't been threatened by the cult in, oh....several days.

Thank you for your time,

Valerie Emanuel

Valerie,

You’re a Christian. Just because your cult is bigger, it doesn’t make it any better.

 

I’S WIDE BUTT

This guy Cruise's sphincter seems to be unnaturally contracted a little too tightly. That must not be very comfortable for him. Just concerned.

Grasse

Grasse,

We have been advised by our legal counsel not to address the topic of Cruise’s sphincter and draw no comparisons of said sphincter to that of a snare drum, sink hole, glove caddy, hand warmer or Bert Fields’ mouth. In other words: No comment.

 

THE COLOR OF MONKEY

I do not want to even call you gentlemen: I know your game, so this email is not to censor you, its to bring you back to a time when ethics did not have to be legislated.

Your idea of a free press is self-serving and down right boorish. There are more troubling things going on in your country than ever before, and all you can do is to make money from inventing bogus stories about celebrities? Such a sorry state of affairs for a country that led the world in fair-play and champion the underdog, only a few short years ago.

Since 911, the mood of the American People has degenerated into a cesspool of unfathomable proportions. I, as a Canadian, wish and pray that your Government keep its paranoid, overbearing, and unrelenting brainwashing to itself.

Instead of tearing people down, by maligning celebrities who have made it, unlike your group who is trying to succeed through sophomoric and unimaginative tactics. Instead, you might turn your juvenile antics to those who, in YOUR country, are successfully taking your freedom away from you. Remember the Founding Fathers of your nation, I dare say they are rolling around in their graves at the thought of how the freedom that they fought for, is being so disregarded, disresptected and frittered away. Not to mention the thousands and thousands of your brave soldiers who also died for your freedom. A freedom that you now, quite cavalierly, thumb your nose at by making up trash and presenting it as if it's either entertainment or, even worst, as news.

Enough said, but what's next - will we see any of your so called journalist defecating in the streets??? (oh, I hope I haven't given you any ideas?)

A. Morse

Dear Canadian,

Hmm, defecating in the streets you say? Makes more sense than 53 wealthy slave owners rolling around in their graves because of the decay of freedom. Your letter is clear example of what can happen during an NHL lockout, when many Canadians are forced, for the first time, to think.

P.S. What happened to Alex Trebek’s mustache?

 

BRAIN MAN

I recently read an article from a news source talking about how Tom Cruise was pissed off at this newspaper called "The Beast" for talking some smack about him. The article included some blurbs from what you wrote. They were so cleaver and funny I knew I had to get my hands on this paper write away! Fabulous! Keep up the good work.

Sara Adams

P.S. I hate how that vein in the middle of Tom Cruise’s forehead always looks like its about to explode.

Sara,

The explosive forehead vein is the telltale sign of an Operating Thetan level VI.

 

JERKY MAGUIRE

Dear 'Editor-in-Chief',

I was going to write you a lengthy e-mail criticizing you, but your inconsequential paper and Hunter Thompson wannabe staff aren't worth it. Trust me, you're safely ignored by any serious thinker.

-Werthkant

Dear Werthkant,

Why, do you know any?

 

MISSION: IMPROBABLE

Heyyy, heh heh. How you guys doin? Are you really in trouble w/that Tom Cruise thing? I was just thinking "Jesus Christ, I hope that wasn't my fault.." I work as background and extra for tv shows and stuff, and I'm at all the major studios like every week. My buddy sends me all the Beasts from back home, and since we mostly sit in holding all day I always bring a Beast and read the fucker cover to cover. I usually end up leaving them there or people read them and love em', so they take them when I'm done. I hope like...y'know, someone gave one to Tom somehow. I know one could have ended up at War of the Worlds cause I did a show the one day a few months ago, and there was a big call for WOTW the next day and this geeky fella took my one copy of the Beast, I don't know if it had that article in it or anything. Did they say how he came across the article, was it online? And Jesus Christ, what are the fucking odds of Tom Cruise actually seeing that. Anyway, that's some major exposure for you guys, that's awesome it's fucking national news! Who says Buffalo only makes the news for negative publi- oh wait. At least it's not about the goddamn snow. (Depending on what kind of snow you're talking about,that is) Well, fuck him if he can't take a joke. I highly doubt they're gonna waste any time suing you, what will they get a fucking computer and a toaster? I dont' know. If he or his lawyer call, just keep yelling "teeeccchhhh suporrrrrrtt!!" into the phone.

-Luke Allein

Luke,

While it would make a charming story, we highly doubt the dyslexic, humorless Cruise would bother picking up a newspaper or magazine that didn’t feature his smug, fist-attracting face on the cover. Now this issue, on the other hand…we’ll send you twenty if you can get them anywhere near him.

 

FAR AND A GAY

Sirs:

I read in amazement and pure joy the furious messages bemoaning the "drowned kitty gag" in your most recent "The Beast Angry Voicemail Compendium", and I thought, " who could possibly be that stupid ? " ....when I immediately thereafter came upon the answer in this AP story ( below ) from Wisconsin...Life imitating art, ( and I use the terms very loosely in both contexts ) ... ah, this ought to really piss 'em off. Yours, Neil Garvey

Dear Neil,

How dumb do you think we are? The story you sent along with your email, "Wisconsin Considers Legalizing Cat Hunting," can’t possibly be true, and is an offensive smear against the good people of Wisconsin. The very idea that Wisconsinites are the kind of illiterate white trash who think of shooting cats as a form of recreation is offensive and wrong. Who do you think you are, Mr. Garvey, to make such jokes? Really; if that were true, then we would hope that the entire state was snuffed out by a freak airborne cheese bacteria.

 

VANILLA GUY

this is the worst rag i've ever read. you people insult everyone.i'll never read it again

DangerZoneComics

Dear Moron,

Here’s an idea: eat shit!

 

FAGNOLIA

I think the publisher is a negative influence in the media. Paul "the pansy" Fallon, did you not get enough attention as a child? Your judgment is poor, Tom Cruise is an exceptional actor "Jerry McGuire" and "Collateral" suggest that he has the skill, effort, and depth to be successful. What do you mean he is a pretty boy type? He is cool, has integrity and honour, kindness, and is dedicated to his family. Pansy Fallon you red-necked pencil-pushing faggot, get a life and direct your attention seeking pansy-ass journalistic trash to something postive. You are among the lowest form of human sludge on this planet. Your a waste of space; please consider my suggestion and get out of eveybodies life you pesky mosquito.

Later Pansy Fallon

Alisdair Gordon

Alisdair,

"Red-necked pencil-pushing faggot?" Your epithets just don’t jive, buddy. To how many people out there could this description actually apply? Certainly not to almighty publisher Paul Fallon, who will be suing you for libel as soon as he reads these patently false and malicious allegations about his sexual orientation and species.

 

CRUISIN’ IT

hey guys,

I know that the suburbs suck but the #1 worst thing about buffalo is that fat fucking white haired priss weather man on channel 2, Kevin Oconnel. That piece of shit not only is merely a moronic talking head on TV that has no idea whatsoever about what he reads off the prompter but he once cut me off in traffic and while passing me in his luxery car flicked me off with his pinky finger up as well to show off his gawdy ass gold ring. I swear if i ever see him again its gonna be game on. Die Fruitcake. Nick

Nick,

Be fairly warned: Kevin O’Connel, Buffalo’s least orange local newsman, wields the awesome power of Doppler 2000 and can only be killed during a lunar eclipse with a magic elixir concocted by Irv Weinstein. Your journey to find Weinstein will be fraught with danger, for O’Connel’s spies lurk in every shadow and low-pressure system. Once acquired, the elixir must be disguised as corned beef and cabbage. There is only one mortal who can do this: Mr. Food. Legend has it Mr. Food will perform the task in exchange for a lap dance and 10 lbs of chitlins. Godspeed, brave soul.

 

ENDLESS LOATHE

Dear Beast,

You are a poor excuse for a newspaper if you don't include me in that list of yours. I meat- (yes pun intended) all the credentials of a loathsome person and I by far and wide have Cruise beat for a top fifty spot. Let's start by saying that I live with my mother in South Buffalo, I am forty years old and work night time security. I haven't had a date in about 10 years and the last one I went on was with a girl in drag who called herself Layla, it was okay though because she tied me up put a hood on me and had me fetch bones for her like her little doggy. I dumped her however because she didn't want to take it further so she ended up screwing me over and decided to bust up the good deal I had going on over at the all-girls catholic high school where I was a gym teacher, online degrees do pay sometimes. Those were my hey days of having the senior class of 18 year olds do push ups and climb the rope....mmmm...DAMN LAYLA! Anyway, after cub scouts shut me down for a job as scout leader and I got arrested for public drunkenness in a santa outfit at Rick's Talley Ho, I decided I would grow out my mustache grease my hair into a slick wear thick rimmed glasses and take the subway to my job each night. On weekends I sit with my radio headset at Bisons games in the upper levels. By now I am used to the mothers grabbing their kids and guiding them away from me. And Chippewa is my favorite place to hang out, the Sorority girls tend to yell jeers at me but the humiliation is a turn on, get more of it there than I ever did Friday nights at the Continental.

Well I guess by now you realize you missed your opportunity at including me on your list. Oh but I am not done yet! Yah you think I am the quiet guy down the street who keeps to himself, but I got more things to philosphize about, I spent my life doing it which is why I am unmarried, maladjusted and running around naked in front of webcams for innocent girls in the Phillipines when most men my age have a career and family.

Gary

Dear Gary,

Please do not acquire a family.

 

TOP BUM

Gabe Armstrong for Mayor. No, wait. Hopefully we won't have a Mayor soon. Gabe Armstrong for County Manager, or whatever the hell we decide to call it. His article is the best compilation of (1) what is wrong with this city, and (2) what we should do about it, that I have seen in a long time. Most of it is a no-brainer, but we're stuck with a bunch no-brains in power.

I love Buffalo, and I love reading Buffalo Beast. Thanks for publishing it. Keep it up.

Matt

Gabe,

If you want to run for mayor, we’ll totally back you.

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