Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Wake up and smell your rotting septum, Taurus; you're a cokehead. I know that denial is a powerful force, but it's nothing compared to what you can do to anything that gets between you and your 8-ball. If you still think you're in control, try looking in a mirror-your wire hangers fill out your dresses more than you do, and your eyes really shouldn't open wider than your mouth. By the way, your choice in a mate should probably have more to do with inner virtue, or at least physical attractiveness, than a constant supply of the devil's dandruff. Maybe the next time you go to a bar you should try hanging around away from the bathroom. Look to Pluto, Taurus, because your old friends all pretend not to see you when they walk by.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

No, it’s not your gingivitis, halitosis, or even your bleeding hemorrhoids Gemini; what keeps you pathetically alone in your skin pigment. Being an albino just aint cool unless you are one of the Winters brothers or Michael Jackson, and even then; it is offensive. You genuinely frighten people Gemini and it is entirely your fault. I recommend in the fine tradition of vaudeville that you adopt the practice of black face. Al Jolsen’s spirit will guide you through this difficult transition. You should also try your hardest to imitate all the stereotypical trappings of African Americans as portrayed by the media. Dropping the phrase “my baby momma” will gain you instant acceptance in almost any circle. Look to Jupiter in the upcoming weeks, and remember, Gemini, even Fellini would have thought you were a freak.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, I’m proud of you. Your decision to stop buying bulk candy and cruising city playgrounds in search of “fresh meat,” as you call it, is a wise one. However, your decision to join the clergy is troubling. I know a lot of people have gone that route but think of it Cancer; you’re an atheist. You’ll have to fake a shit load of religion and once you get caught ruining all those choirboys’ lives, you will have no god to repent to. It is high time you thought outside of the confession box as it were. There is always a creative solution to any of life’s problems, and this is yours: find yourself a handsome midget and court him with vigor. Bring him gifts and flowers to win him over. You can do it, Cancer! Look to Uranus, keep your dwarf shaved, and in the meantime sublimate, sublimate, sublimate.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your decision to personally breast-feed your neighbor’s new kitten landed you in a bit of hot water, but not to worry Leo. After you pay the fine and move out of shame, the future looks bright. I must warn you however, that your upcoming gains will come at a price. I recommend insuring your limbs as soon as possible. The gains won’t just be monetary either; your diaper will be changed hourly by an attractive gold-digging nurse who will one day become your wife and mother of your neglected druggie children. Sound too good to be true, Leo? It is a distinct possibility, so keep your fingers crossed while you can. Look to Mercury, and don’t forget the pre-nup.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Guess what, Virgo? You are a pig. I don’t mean that as a metaphor. I know you think your parents love you, but they are the ones that made you the monster that you are. The extensive reconstructive surgeries you endured as an infant and your above-average pig intelligence have allowed you, thus far, to blend into the human population. In your heart of hearts, you have always known. Think back, dear Virgo, to your feelings of self-affirmation after seeing Babe, your adolescent fixation with Miss Piggy, or how you chewed that guy’s face off just because you missed breakfast one time. It’s time to come clean, Virgo pig, and stop living this lie. Don’t hope to find your real parents; you ate them many Easters ago. One day, you will proudly roll around in your own feces. Look to Saturn and move to Iran where you will be safe.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, you shitbag, you said you would do the damn dishes yesterday. In fact, you said you would do them the day before that; and even the day before that. If you think you can get me to clean up after your disastrous attempt to make Peking duck, you’ve gotta be the most optimistic ketamine addict in history. You may not be bothered by the obscene stench wafting from the kitchen, but on the other hand I’m not particularly bothered by the idea of knocking your teeth down your throat with a baking sheet coated with rancid burned duck fat. Look to the classified section, Libra, because I’ve had it with your lazy ass.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov 21)

Scorpio, did you ever stake a break from your constant self-pitying to consider the possibility that boys don’t ask you out because of those huge chunks of metal hanging out of your face? Most guys don’t dig making out if it results in severe facial lacerations. That “Life=Pain” tattoo on your head probably doesn’t help either. Lots of girls are deeply disturbed, Scorpio, but advertising it might not help you snag a man. On the other hand, you’ve effectively relieved yourself of the obligation to get a job, as nobody will ever hire you again. Congratulations, idiot.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius, I’m really confused and upset with you. You never return my calls, and you act like you don’t know me when you see me outside your house. Look, you’re the one who smiled and said “hi” to me last week at the bank—why would you lead me on that way if you were just going to send me mixed signals and play games like this? I know deep down you still care, Sagittarius, because you haven’t changed over to an unlisted number yet. Look to Venus, and consider deeply the purely symbolic nature of protection orders.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Capricorn, I’m afraid your boyfriend isn’t going to make lunch with your folks today—he took three hits of LSD at 4:00am last night. Not only that, but the good-for-nothing jerk went home with a haggard, coked-up, painted skank who only escaped his sexual interest when he got distracted by the lines on his hand. He’s sitting at home right now, wrapped in a blanket, curling and uncurling his toes, watching “The Practice” and desperately clutching an orange. Don’t despair, Capricorn; now is the perfect time to brainwash him into a state of eternal remorse and atonement.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)

Aquarius, your vocal claims that corporations should not be taxed are a clear indicator that you are a twisted, hateful idiot. I can understand that the trauma of ostracization by members of the opposite sex and persecution by your peers can lead to a sensationalistically malevolent worldview, but it’s not the lower class’s fault that you were ridiculed by your peers, it’s yours. Besides, you live in Clarence, stupid. Your skewed assertion requires you yourself to pay more in payroll taxes, and is obviously motivated by a desire to draw any kind of attention whatsoever to yourself. You claim to hate liberals, but you are truly a wounded child, yearning for their acceptance and approval, and reflecting the scorn your self-hating paranoia projects upon them. Look to Mercury, Aquarius, and then cry, because nobody loves you.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

You’re a weird, stuck up asshole, Pisces. I don’t get it. I never did anything to you, but you still react to my presence in bars, restaurants and at other chance meetings by pretending I’m not there. I know you recognize me, bitch; what the hell is your deal? It makes me want to punch you in the back of the head that you seem to feel so superior to me. The only thing that holds me back is the satisfaction I derive from the knowledge that I jacked off into your face cream last night when I broke in to watch you sleep. Sweet dreams, Pisces.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good job Aries, the ongoing fuck-ups and your latest debacle only further international hatred of the United States and continue to piss off the entire Islamic world. Sure, putting hoods over people’s heads and putting them in sexual positions or sodomizing them with broomsticks may have served you well in college or boot camp; however, bringing your homoerotic hazing rituals halfway around the world and photographing it, no less, just prove what an idiot you are. We all know that Donny made you do it. Nonetheless, that is no excuse. Aries you are a stain upon humanity, which must be cleansed. I suggest infertility as the wisest path you can pursue. Look to Mars, you dumb fuck, and take a nice long bath in some depleted uranium.