A Goth Kid’s Summer Survival Guide

It’s not a vacation for everyone

The sun is hot and spirits are high in June, but this typically pleasant summer season can be a treacherous one for our proudly depressed brethren, Goth kids. That’s right; for our death-obsessed friends, too tired to be punk and too gay to be metalheads, the summer is truly their winter of discontent. With the sun and its’ millions of UV rays threatening skin cells with color, longer hours of lamentable daylight, upbeat music and the sounds of happiness in the streets, Goth kids are left with few options to maintain their contrived misery. Alas, life goes on for our frail friends, no matter how many times they talk about commiting suicide, and The Beast is here to help.

Now we all know that you’d rather be sitting in your basement bedroom watching The Hunger during daylight hours, and who can blame you when you just achieved the right amount of ‘dank?’ How could you let those heavy velour curtains you stole from your high school theater after they wouldn’t consider a drag version of “Bad Seed” go to waste? However, emergencies arise, and someday necessity will lead you from your bleak paradise.

Say, for example: you’re low on black lipstick and you need to get to the store before you go to Club Diablo, but you’re afraid of getting a tan—or your ass kicked. The Beast has answers.

Sun Protection

Nair SPF 4000 Goth Screen – This beautiful collaborative product combines an extra strength Nair hair remover with an advanced sunscreen formula – infused with that stuff they coat the outside of space shuttles with for safe re-entry. You’re not just protected from UV rays, you’re fireproof. For extra summer protection against anti-Goth humidity, mix a generous amount of antiperspirant in with your Goth screen, thus preventing sweat, which can get your make-up all runny.

Water Cooled Trench Coat System – Despite all the effort on maintaining perfectly pale skin, we all know that the true allure of Goth sensuality is imagining that pale emaciated body hidden under mounds of loose black clothing. So, for trench coats enthusiasts who want to keep cool, this innovative water cooling system is no larger than a copy of “The Anarchist’s Cookbook” and no heavier than a sawed-off shotgun, both of which are in your normal trench coat right now.

Aggravated Attack Protection

Teach-Yourself a Foreign Accent CD Set – If the summer drivers aren’t blinded by you, then they surely will wonder why the hell you’re dressed like that. In the event that a passer-by should be so confused by your appearance that he’s only discourse is savage violence, being able to fake a British accent might explain your neurotic clothing and prevent him from kicking your ass. Choose from French, British and Canadian.

Self Defense Spray – Remember: there’s no shame in being totally defenseless, but receiving a passionate beating is incredibly painful. This mace not only incapacitates your attacker, but a warm burst of human blood surrounds you while your attacker is writhing in pain. The sounds of anguish and the smell of blood, all without the lawsuit, now on sale for buy two, get one free. Be wise and stock up on this if you’re attacked frequently; loiter safely this summer.

Poser Protection

The Goth Union - “Local 666” – For all of the people who call you a hypocrite for conforming to fashion trends to show how non-conformist you really are; you now have legal protection. To be considered, send photographs of your wardrobe, weaponry and Fangoria Magazine collection to:

Wealthy Suburban Address

PO Box 12345

Buffalo NY 14239

Kinky sex recordings and home-video short horror films are not required, but highly recommended. Submit quickly! This exclusive organization is quickly reaching its carrying capacity and the benefits are spectacular. A Union membership gets you the notoriety of legitimate Goth-certification, a 15% discount at all Hot Topics and protection from job discrimination for lack of skin tone. Stand together in a fight against conformity; join thousands of others in expressing their individuality by wearing the same color and sending $30 monthly Union dues and consenting to the terms of contract.

Gimme Shelter – As a final thought on this Gothic summer survival guide, remember that most of the dangers of warm weather are only harmful out of doors. The Beast urges the gothic community to trust their nocturnal instincts and stay inside during these months. You are safe from harmful UV rays, excessive sweating, and menacing stares as long as you stay home. Of course, you will need to go out to work, shop, and watch yourself dance to Depeche Mode in front of the big mirror at the Continental on weekends, but staying indoors as much as possible will help to reduce the impact of summer on your dark, pretentious, fashionable despair. Use the tools mentioned above only as a last resort so that the cultivation of your despair this summer happens where it should: in your basement, with Trent Reznor’s new album, your amphetamines and a dull knife for superficial cuts - where we don’t have to see it. And remember, Goth guys—there’s only a 70% chance you’re a closet homosexual with a good excuse to wear makeup. So cheer up—or don’t!