Name: Jean

Turn-ons: McDonald’s booths, washing machines, Velcro
wallets, Pleather belts, fried dough.

Turn-offs: Bleach, bike seats, blood, leaky pens, “Jams”

How I Became THE BEAST PAGE 3 Denim Shorts: I began as a pair of pants and gave many good years. I would like to think I was a favorite. But then, frayed cuffs and a large mustard stain required that I be cut into shorts. Sadly, I don’t get out as often as I used to, usually only during the summer, and an annual trip to Myrtle Beach, S.C.

Future Plans: I hope to go to Angola on the Lake this summer, get wet, and roll in the sand. Also, grind against a few honeys at Mickey Rat’s. Plus, that Dukes of Hazzard movie’s coming out, so I’m expecting a fashion upgrade. Awww, yeah!

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As durable and down-to-Earth, less hoity-toity than seersucker, more comfortable than wool, and a really cheap way to cover your genitals when it’s hot out.