Tom Cruise, M.D, PhD.
Health Advice from the World's Foremost Expert
I am writing to you because I am worried about my son. He
has always been a little strange, but lately he complains
that he hears voices when no one’s around, telling him
to do terrible things, including stab me to death. He really
seems crazy lately. My friends urge me to have him committed,
and even he has indicated that he might need psychiatric help.
What do you think I should do?
– Buggin’ in Buffalo
Don’t be so glib. Trust me, your son will not benefit
from psychological treatment. I know this, because I know
the history of psychiatry, and it has never helped anyone,
ever. There’s no science to it. When I was secretly
enrolled at Cambridge University in England, getting my doctorate
in psychology with a concentration in psychiatric history,
I was astounded to find that the entire field of psychiatry
was without any scientific validity. I was also shocked, during
my secret tenure as professor of mental disorders and advanced
neurochemistry at Johns Hopkins, to discover that there is
actually no such thing as a chemical imbalance. Your son is
probably faking it, or he is severely vitamin deficient. I
advise you to buy him some orange juice and a bottle of multivitamins;
he should be just fine.
Dear Dr. Cruise,
I have wanted a baby all of my life, but now that I have given
birth to one, I am terribly sad all of the time. I don’t
understand why, but I can’t even stand to hold my child,
and I feel like a terrible person. A friend has suggested
that I may be suffering from postpartum depression. Is this
possible, and what should I do about it? Please help.
– Baby-Hater in Decatur
No, there is no such thing as ‘postpartum depression,’
it’s just another scam brought to you by the pharmaceutical
industry. You are simply a terrible person, and I feel sorry
for your poor child. Your only hope is to give the baby up
for adoption before your cruel and inconsiderate ways ruin
its life forever. Perhaps you could give it to my future wife
Katie, I have a feeling she might have trouble conceiving
children, as both of my former wives have been similarly afflicted.
Again, don’t fall for the ‘disorder’ scam;
you are just not a good person.
Dear Dr. Cruise,
I have been married to a wonderful woman for many years. I
have never really enjoyed our sex life too much, but we have
three great kids, and our lives have been blessed with good
fortune. Lately, however, I have come to realize that I am
gay. I am torn as to what I should do: continue living a lie,
or come out to the family and be who I really am, while quite
possibly devastating my wife and kids, not to mention my parents.
What should I do? – Fakin’ in Macon
Don’t let the wool be pulled over your eyes by the image-makers
in Hollywood. There is no such thing as ‘gay.’
I once suffered as you do, until my spiritual guides led me
to understand that nobody really enjoys heterosexual sex—it’s
just another scam to get us to procreate. Think about it—why
else would there be so much gratuitous, disgusting sex tacked
onto movies and TV shows? It’s not like anyone really
wants to see that. It’s more likely that your spouse
is just not physically perfect enough for you to tolerate
touching her. My solution has always been to acquire a ‘mate’
who is so visually flawless that even another straight woman
would want to sleep with her. Eventually, of course, they
start to wrinkle; that’s when it’s time for a
newer model. Even a Ferrari can be a liability if the paint