Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

July 13 - 27, 2005

Issue #79

  .....Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

BLOODY HELL
Tony Blair, Right Honourable Hypocrite
by Allan Uthman

 
VICIOUS CYCLE
Nailing the Interview
by Matt Taibbi
 
TO HELL WITH JUDITH MILLER
That's What I Said
by Stan Goff
 

U.S. POLLING INACCURATE, SAYS NEW POLL
100% Polled Asked Wrong Question

by Matt Taibbi

 

THE JOY OF SAILING
Summer Job Yields Unexpected Lessons
by Matt Higgins

 
TIMEly Features

10 QUESTIONS
For Scott McClellan

 

NOTBULL
Numbers & Quotes

 
FAUX-TURES

ASK DR. CRUISE
Mental Health Advice from the World's Foremost Expert

 

HOLY SHIT!
A Field Guide to Televangelists
by Nick Sorrenti

 

BEAST 5-DAY CELEBRITY FORECAST

 

BUSH SHREDS SKELETOR CRITICS ON BOTH SIDES

 

Sports

The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime

Cover Page
Buffalo in Briefs
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 
The BEAST Blog

 

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Dr. Tom Cruise, M.D, PhD.

Ask Dr. Cruise
Mental Health Advice from the World's Foremost Expert


Dear Dr. Cruise,
I am writing to you because I am worried about my son. He has always been a little strange, but lately he complains that he hears voices when no one’s around, telling him to do terrible things, including stab me to death. He really seems crazy lately. My friends urge me to have him committed, and even he has indicated that he might need psychiatric help. What do you think I should do?
– Buggin’ in Buffalo

Dear Buggin’,
Don’t be so glib. Trust me, your son will not benefit from psychological treatment. I know this, because I know the history of psychiatry, and it has never helped anyone, ever. There’s no science to it. When I was secretly enrolled at Cambridge University in England, getting my doctorate in psychology with a concentration in psychiatric history, I was astounded to find that the entire field of psychiatry was without any scientific validity. I was also shocked, during my secret tenure as professor of mental disorders and advanced neurochemistry at Johns Hopkins, to discover that there is actually no such thing as a chemical imbalance. Your son is probably faking it, or he is severely vitamin deficient. I advise you to buy him some orange juice and a bottle of multivitamins; he should be just fine.


Dear Dr. Cruise,
I have wanted a baby all of my life, but now that I have given birth to one, I am terribly sad all of the time. I don’t understand why, but I can’t even stand to hold my child, and I feel like a terrible person. A friend has suggested that I may be suffering from postpartum depression. Is this possible, and what should I do about it? Please help.
– Baby-Hater in Decatur

Dear Baby-Hater,
No, there is no such thing as ‘postpartum depression,’ it’s just another scam brought to you by the pharmaceutical industry. You are simply a terrible person, and I feel sorry for your poor child. Your only hope is to give the baby up for adoption before your cruel and inconsiderate ways ruin its life forever. Perhaps you could give it to my future wife Katie, I have a feeling she might have trouble conceiving children, as both of my former wives have been similarly afflicted. Again, don’t fall for the ‘disorder’ scam; you are just not a good person.


Dear Dr. Cruise,
I have been married to a wonderful woman for many years. I have never really enjoyed our sex life too much, but we have three great kids, and our lives have been blessed with good fortune. Lately, however, I have come to realize that I am gay. I am torn as to what I should do: continue living a lie, or come out to the family and be who I really am, while quite possibly devastating my wife and kids, not to mention my parents. What should I do? – Fakin’ in Macon

Dear Fakin’,
Don’t let the wool be pulled over your eyes by the image-makers in Hollywood. There is no such thing as ‘gay.’ I once suffered as you do, until my spiritual guides led me to understand that nobody really enjoys heterosexual sex—it’s just another scam to get us to procreate. Think about it—why else would there be so much gratuitous, disgusting sex tacked onto movies and TV shows? It’s not like anyone really wants to see that. It’s more likely that your spouse is just not physically perfect enough for you to tolerate touching her. My solution has always been to acquire a ‘mate’ who is so visually flawless that even another straight woman would want to sleep with her. Eventually, of course, they start to wrinkle; that’s when it’s time for a newer model. Even a Ferrari can be a liability if the paint is peeling.

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