THE
BEAST PAGE 3
CREEPY SUMMER BUG
 Name:
Scutigera Coleoptrata, A.K.A. House Centipede
Turn-ons:
An arthropod that knows what it wants out of life, warm damp
spaces, striking irrational dread into the hearts of organisms
a thousand times my size, stopping dead in my tracks when
I’m noticed and quickly disappearing by the time you
slowwitted chumps return with a shoe to squash me.
Turn-offs:
Cats, slippery bathtub walls, Raid, being mistakenly called
a Silverfish, kids with tweezers, Carson Daily.
How
I Became THE BEAST PAGE 3 Creepy Summer Bug: Well
I’m indigenous to the Mediterranean and didn’t
make my way to the New York area until about 1885. It’s
all been gravy from then on. You know, eating bugs, laying
larvae, fitting into small spaces and occasionally running
at blistering speeds across the walls in your apartment, just
to keep you on your toes.
Future
Plans: I see myself getting into movies someday,
but in the meantime I’m satisfied crawling all over
your bare flesh while you sleep and taking brief naps in your
mouth. Ha! Just kidding. I won’t sleep in your mouth;
I’ll just excrete a little.
How
I’d Like to be Remembered: Not just as a modest
arthropod that benefits its human hosts by eating troublesome
insects such as carpenter ants and termites, but also as a
real bug’s bug, the kind of bug you can always count
on to make you leap out of your chair in abject terror.
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