Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

July 27 - August 10, 2005
Issue #80

  .Buffalo's Best Fiend
   

Mercury Rising
Big Media Buys the Pharm
by Allan Uthman

 
Taibbi Come Lately
Beast Founder Discovers Ohio
by Matt Taibbi
 
In Defense of Stupidity
Krauthammer: Down with Thinking
by Allan Uthman
 

Misadventures of Boy Wonder
Rove was Always a Scandal

by Matt Taibbi

 

Shred Man Talking
Gonzalez, Ashcroft Have a Chat
by Allan Uthman

 
FAUX-TURES

Create your own Action Movie
Connect-the-Cliches and Make it Big in Hollywood!

 

Local Car Dealer Eats Entire Ham
Chris Crawford

 

Reader Opinions:

Brad & Angelina Shouldn't Adopt
China Owns our Asses
You're All Going to Hell
The BEAST Blog
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page
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Last Issue: (79)

THE BEAST PAGE THREE MURDEROUS MILK COW

Name: Lara

Turn-ons: Squashing Croatian farmers, gentle hands, green pastures and incessant milking.

Turn-offs: McDonalds, Burger King, Con-Agra, Dell computers, wallowing in my own filth and incessant milking.

How I Became THE BEAST PAGE THREE Murderous Cow: I was fed-up, you know! God damned bipeds think they own the fucking planet. I just snapped I guess. I donít know what came over me. I went completely blank and when I came toÖI saw him, poor Cadjavacki, the man who had milked me low these many years lying under me, crushed by my weight, no longer breathing. He looked so peaceful; like he was sleeping.

Future Plans: Well itís pretty obvious, isnít it? Theyíre going to do me in. Thatís what theyíve wanted for some time now; I can see it in their beady little eyes. A cow can only slip up once like this and thatís it, lights out, grade A ground chuck. Hopefully, my hide will become Prada; can you imagine? How chic!

How Iíd Like to be Remembered: As a cow that just didnít give a fuck, a cow that was pushed too far, a cow that, oh god who am I kidding? I slipped! It was an accident! Cadjavacki! Noooooooooooooooooooo!

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