Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

July 27 - August 10, 2005
Issue #80

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend

Mercury Rising
Big Media Buys the Pharm
by Allan Uthman

Taibbi Come Lately
Beast Founder Discovers Ohio
by Matt Taibbi
In Defense of Stupidity
Krauthammer: Down with Thinking
by Allan Uthman

Misadventures of Boy Wonder
Rove was Always a Scandal

by Matt Taibbi


Shred Man Talking
Gonzalez, Ashcroft Have a Chat
by Allan Uthman


Create your own Action Movie
Connect-the-Cliches and Make it Big in Hollywood!


Local Car Dealer Eats Entire Ham
Chris Crawford


Reader Opinions:

Brad & Angelina Shouldn't Adopt
China Owns our Asses
You're All Going to Hell
The BEAST Blog
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page
(right-click & "save target")


Last Issue: (79)



Hey there,

I read the Beast semi regularly, and I am one of the Sportsmen's Tavern regular's . Live music most days, no cover, reasonable prices. I was there the night of Jackdaw, they play there often and are cutting a cd at Sessions Studio next door , part of the Dwane Hall Sportsmen's Tavern legacy. Anyway to the facts.

1. Buffalo Bob, the bartender for the night is a fill in for lighter shifts , so even us regulars have to wait for our boxed wine, big tips do not help , he is the way he is.

2. The Dale Earnhardt mural was painted by an elderly black gentlemen Dalton, he is homeless and paints murals around the city for money, food or board. He is amazing, that mural was painted over tin, it took months and the reason for Dale was because the owners Dwane & Denise are huge Nascar fans.

3. How dare you assume we are working class Bush voters because we ARE NOT!!

The bar gets people from all over Doctors, lawyers, homeless, cowboys , indians, librarians and students blue collar, white collar, no collar.We all are there for the music. The owner was a Marine, back in the day. Most of us did not vote for Bush, most of us are outraged that a government can put a ban on smoking at a business with your name on the mortgage. No Smoking pretty near killed us. The owners are members of the local business community and sponsor all kinds of efforts including The Guitar Fest every year.

A lot of us have military kids, my daughter is a Lt in the air force, so if you think I support GWB with his pro life, pro war, pro not my daughters you are completely nuts! Do not assume because somebody waves a Nascar flag, they are stupid hicks, that voted this last batch of morons into public office. Do not assume that because we like country music , we approve of all the political crap that came out of Texas. I Honkey-Tonk and I voted for Kerry,

 p.s. check out the website to see who is playing there we have some great people coming to the Honkiest Tonkiest Beer Joint in Town.  www.sportsmenstavern.com

Dance Like No One Is Watching!

Dear Redneck,
What exactly is a "tonk?"


 My friends and I have been reading the Beast for years. One brought the July13-27 issue to my lair and I was disturbed to find "Bush shreds Skeletor critics on both sides" article within it.

Usually, your paper makes me laugh very hard. But Skeletor is not a laughing matter. He has destroyed countless minions and wreacked havoc upon my people from Castle Grayskull. I have been struggling with this foe for over 20 YEARS and can't believe the insensitivity of your staff for making light of this issue.

The article was further un-educating to those confused by the PR campaigns which cast Skeletor in a favorable light. I am beginning a boycott of the Beast and hope that other fictional charectars join me.

Dear He,
Jeez, we’re real sorry about that; we didn’t mean to hurt your super-feelings. We certainly wouldn’t want anyone to get the impression that Skeletor is not to be feared; we just thought, you know, the skeleton-face thing would be enough to convey his inherent evil-ness. By the power of Grayskull, we apologize. Please don’t hurt us, Mr. Man.


Hey Fuckers,

I just wanted to let you fuckwads know that I straightened out your fuckin box at Washington and Genesee. I wait like a good little retard for the new issue every two weeks then I go across the street and get one. Well, I don’t know what happened today, but I think whoever filled that box had a fuckin seizure or some shit. The papers were all twisted and upside down and shit! Jesus H. Christ! You oughta punch that homo right in his nuts. If I’M out there when he does that shit, I’m pullin off his fuckin` nipples. I love the Beast, thats all, and it hurts that some asshole doesn`t take any pride in his shitty job! Yeah, I sure like your fuckin` paper! Seeya in 2 weeks!


Watch out, Jeff; Rocco the unbalanced 7-foot homo delivery guy has sensitive nipples. Nuts, too, for that matter.



The #1 Most Loathsome Buffalonian, in my opinion, is the corporate radio fu-fu fuckup bastard who made the decision to change 92.9 WBUF's talk format to shitty, sugar-coated, Paula Abdul-esque garbage. Stern is still on, but that quasi-boring Weez guy from Rochester is gone and so is the precious Loveline. Oh how I'd love to give that guy a steel toe to the nuts.

And of course, I throw a couple of votes for the Herpes Simplex I and Herpes Simplex II of Buffalo, Cellino and Barnes.

Going off topic, the Sunoco gas station on Harlem, near Genessee, is spreading Jesus propaganda along the lines of "Jesus suffered our pain, so we could live in his peace" through their computerized screen used for credit card purchases. Just thought I'd bring this to your attention, as I was thoroughly creeped out by this. I'm so used to seeing ads like "$.99 Frito Lay Potato Chips!" and "12 pack of Bud $7.99" in these things, that I did a complete double-take while pumping my gas. I was like "Did that just fucking say Jesus? Holy shit, it did!"

Oh yeah, seeing Taibbi on the Daily Show was pretty surreal. Banzai to The Beast! -Chupi

P.S. I fucking loved the Shiavo cover!!!

That’s because you’re a bad person, Chupi. Yeah, we were getting used to the FM talk thing, but only because we somehow managed to close our trunk lid on our antenna, and now we don’t get AM anymore. It’s not that we’re into talk radio…just all the music sucks so bad. As to Jesus in the credit card display screen, it somehow seems apropos to the times. So does Taibbi on Stewart, but the pansy-ass Daily Show audience got all hurt when Matt was badmouthing Kerry…wusses.



    I shoulda sent this earlier for your most loathsome collection:

If this self loathing hack's ancestors had been subjected to the policies she recommends in her book, she would be assisting sweatshops somewhere as FUBAK labor for WALMART.(FUBAK=For Us By Asian Kids).

Any crucifiction in print will suffice for this witch. Even O'reilly destroyed  her  in about  4  seconds  on his show a few months ago.  It was the only time I ever laughed till I cried watching those propaganda channels.

Yeah, John, Malkin probably should have been on the list, but we have a policy: no Japs. We’re sure she would applaud it.



To the Evil Publisher:

Attached find the somewhat grainy image of "Karl Rove" who showed up at Frizzy's last night, taken by my camera phone. Thanks for the good times and please keep writing hilarious content... good call on Tom Cruise, by the way.

Also, I put that magnet on my car.

Sincerely, an Evil Reader, Michelle

Michelle…Hey, you were the Republican, weren’t you? Man, the dirty, awful things we would do to you… But all is forgiven; that picture is too much! Maybe it really was him? It’s all so foggy, the booze, the smoke, the phony documents…



To The Editor,

A Letter Re Accountability and National Security

Clear involvement of Karl Rove in revealing Valerie Plame's identity as a CIA operative is a grave matter of national security. I share the views of former president George H.W. Bush, who in April 1999 said, “I have nothing but contempt and anger for those who betray the trust by exposing the name of our sources. They are, in my view, the most insidious, of traitors."

Valerie Plame worked undercover on National Security Intelligence specifically in the area of enemy proliferation of WMD. Karl Rove made us less able to defend against such threats when he exposed her and her 20 year network of assets in a time of war. An act of treason during peacetime is dangerous--during a war it’s unforgivable. In the interests of national security, any high level officials suspected of involvement should have security clearances immediately revoked and official criminal charges brought against them as soon as possible to prevent further breaches.

Increasing the severity of the crime was the reason it was allegedly committed. Joseph Wilson, Valerie Plame's husband, was the person sent to Niger to investigate the "yellow cake" claims falsely made by the White House prior to sending our troops to war. Joseph Wilson was the first person to dispute those claims. His wife's identity was compromised in the press shortly after he did so.

We are a country at war--a war based on possibly fraudulent motives. We have learned from the leaked minutes of a high level British meeting “The Downing Street Memos”, that there were plans to "fix intelligence" to justify the illegal invasion and continuing occupation of Iraq. “The fixing of facts” is connected to the Plame outing and more investigation is needed. It has become a matter of national security to demand accountability be returned to the White House.

Dennis M Wilson Jr

Listen, Dennis, we met Karl Rove the other night, and he told us you like to smear jelly on your nether regions and let your cats lick it off. That is just fucking freaky, man, and we don’t see how we can ever take you seriously again. Besides, you last name is “Wilson”—explain that! You probably did your own Vanity Fair pictorial, and, like, your wife—gave you a job or something—how did that go again?



I just signed up for AOL and they told  me their dating line was free. I check it out and I can'tg even send a friggin email to anyone because I have to pay to do so.  Special promotion my pierced clit!  Damn pigs make you pay almost $20 a month just to get the internet and you can't even get free booty.

Johnny Cock Ran

Johnny, we sure as hell hope writing us isn’t your idea of a solution to that problem, man, because we are just not into that kind of freaky action, man. AOL, we mean; if you want to have sex that’s fine.



To whom it may concern:

I am a resident of the shit hole po dunk town of Rochester.  On occasion my job brings me to Buffalo, and each time I do my best to pick up the latest copy of your publication.  Unfortunately, I have missed some issues, so I am writing to see if your free subscription offer is valid. 

Mike France

Indeed it is, Mike—just a few left, folks! What the hell?



I'm guessing I missed this offer, since I live in CO and just got the June 29-July 13 issue yesterday....I am a native Buffalonian who loves THE BEAST and my friend sends me them once in a while and I saw that you're offering a free subscription and wondered if I can get one????  Thanks, Venessa Hughes

Vanessa, you get a subscription on the condition that you will be an accommodating and gracious host when we all show up at your place in November, tell you that we love you too, and ask for money to rent skis.



Terrorist Editor,
            It wasn’t too hard to find out the truth about you Uthman. You apparently have no experience in the field of “journalism” (if that is what you like to call it) before being hired by anti-American propaganda paper from Buffalo, NY published by the nudist, drug addicted offspring of an activist judge. If that weren’t interesting enough, your family has roots in Iraq and direct ties to the tyrant Saddam Hussein.

Those are the facts of the matter. There are only two listing in the Buffalo, New York area for Uthman. Google the first name and you come across a Chicago Sun article, which quotes Saddam Hussein’s dentist from non other than The Buffalo News. How many unrelated Uthmans can there be in your pathetic city? Who is this Ahmed A. Uthman to you Allan? From the picture of him that went with the article and your showing on the asinine tabloid show Celebrity Justice I would say there is a resemblance, albeit not a definitive one.

So enlighten your readers by explaining the situation: How long have you been living in the United States? Are you a legal citizen? Have you ever been a member of the Baath party? Are you an Al Qaeda propogandist? Why is it that an Iraqi with no journalistic experience starts manning the ship of a democracy hating liberal rag at the dawn of real Iraqi freedom? Were you forced to lay down your arms, leave your homeland and pick up a pen in defense of your fellow Mujahadeen?

I’m quite sure we would all like to know.

Dave Willbrooke

[Note from new Acting Editor Ian Murphy: when Uthman read this letter, he went all pale, muttered something in Arabic under his breath and ran out, talking about how he had to “abort his mission” or something. He hasn’t been heard from since, but reports have surfaced of an overweight, hairy man rowing a fertilizer-laden canoe across Lake Erie in the direction of Canada. Anyone who spots Uthman should call the FBI Counterterrorism Division at 1-800-I-C-DARKY, and then e-mail David Willbrooke at dwillbrooke@yahoo.com and tell him what an incredible ass he is. Seriously, that’s his e-mail address.]

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