Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

August 24 - September 7, 2005
Issue #82

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Evolution Rock
Jesus or Darwin? An ultimatum
Allan Uthman

Keepin' it Real
Cindy Sheehan, representin'
Shawn Ewald

It's Gettin' Hot in Here
Global Warming: Warming the Globe?
Kit Smith
Large & in Charge
Bob Wilmers, Buffalo's control freak
Donnie Dobovich
People Like You
You people just don't get it

Michael Manville

No Strategy, Just Exit
Fractured left threatens itself

Stan Goff

The Real Greatest Americans
Screw the Discovery Channel
Erich Schulte

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Page 3
Celebrity Math
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, I was really trying to overlook all of your modern technocratic elitism until I found you had “On-Star.” Is your life that devoid of self-sufficiency that you need a twenty-four hour, seven day a week tit to cling to? “I’m lost On-Star, help me!” “I locked my keys in the car On-Star, help me!” “I have a flat tire On-Star, help me!” “I don’t know any good restaurants in this area On-Star, help me!” Is your life that arduous and peril filled that you require an ever-present panic button within arms reach? Sooner or later this sickness of yours is going to get the best of you, Virgo. Like when the government uses the GPS technology in your “On-Star” system to incinerate your vehicle with a satellite mounted laser (oh those damn things are up there) and the last thing you see is a melting face in the rearview mirror. Buy a compass, Virgo; it’s time to let go of your blankie.


Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, I am still having trouble believing what I witnessed the other day. You actually sat in the break room at work and engaged in a thirty-minute argument about Coke vs. Pepsi. I know workaday conversations can get a bit thin, but that was simply ridiculous. The point at which you and that idiot were actually yelling at one another over which cola product was better was the moment I expected a giant net to drop from the ceiling and men in white to rush in and drag you morons off to the farm. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, and you went back to your desk angry. Normally I would go off on what a total fucking fool you are, but instead I am going to solve the great Coke vs. Pepsi debate right here and now with the following parable: you go to the movie theater and make you way to the concession stand. The server asks you what you want and you say, “I would like a large Pepsi please.” The server responds, “We only have Coke,” and you respond without any hesitation, “Whatever.” There you have it Libra; the truth you seek is indifference.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, I know you’re a fan, but I think it’s time for the Axl Rose posters to come down. At least diversify your musical tastes a bit, because Guns n Roses can only take you so far, and in all truth it is not that great a distance. I understand that it was kind of the thing to be into in middle school, but that was a long time ago and you should have realized that Axl Rose kind of sucks by now. I am not trying to be mean here, Scorpio, but at this point your whole obsession seems a bit gay and more to the point pathetic. The time has come to move on Scorpio; you need to go to the music store and try something new, anything new, just so long as it’s not Guns n Roses. Well not just anything, if I see you with a Velvet Revolver album, I will punch you in the face.


Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Hey Sagittarius, the thing about mollusks is that in general they make a very boring subject for conversation. I mean sure, I’ve watched entire Discovery Channel shows about clams and sea slugs, but I have never felt it was worthwhile dinner date conversation, even though you love talking about how stories of divers getting their foot trapped in a giant clam are mostly nonsense because they don’t close that fast. If you ever hope to get a second date, Sagittarius, you need to branch out in the conversation department. Do yourself and your date a favor next time by not talking about shellfish unless you are ordering some for dinner.


Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, the whole paint huffing thing you have going on really needs to come to an end. The last time we spoke I felt like I was talking to a severely retarded man with Tourettte’s. That, when added to the new gold-and-silver look you have going on with your face, seems to indicate that you are about to become one of those people who frequent the Howard Stern Show. I don’t know how it came to this, but if I ever hear you mention pot as a “gateway drug,” I will empty an entire can of mace into your left eye. Cut the shit you paint huffing bastard before you can’t even hold a job in politics.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, what is it with you and your obsession with watching the Golden Girls on Lifetime? Do you actually think the show is that good, or does it have more to do with your odd sexual attraction to Rue McClanahan? It was bad enough that some evil network dared pass her off as some sort of Geritol-popping sex symbol, but what kind of sickness drives you to buy into it? I mean we are talking about an old woman here, not hot older Christy Brinkley old, but Rue McClanahan old. What the hell is wrong with you, Aquarius? You might as well volunteer for Meals on Wheels and find yourself some action. Then you will not only be imagining sex with an old woman, and on those quiet nights, after a nice dinner of pureed fish and beets you and your special lady can settle down in front of the television and pop in a little video to get you in the mood. The video, you ask? Why, none other than “Rue McClanahan: The Cat Care Video Guide.”


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Listen Pisces, tiger ball soup is not a natural aphrodisiac. It will not make you a better sex partner. All it does is kill a bunch of endangered tigers just for their balls, so you can feel better about your balls. Leave the tigers and their balls alone, Pisces.


Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, what I said to Pisces about the tiger ball soup also goes for you and your damn shark fin soup. Leave those fucking sharks alone. They need those fins a lot more than you need to feel adequate. If I was a shark that maliciously and methodically hunted down and murdered your family, I would understand, but those poor bastards were just swimming thousands of miles away from you and eating fish. That’s what they do. So stop with the fin soup shit you idiot, your penis will never be adequate because it’s the size of a tic-tac. God hates you, Aries.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, what have I told you about waiting by the school bus stop with that big bag of candy? More importantly, what have the police told you about waiting by the school bus stop with that big bag of candy? Maybe if you had a kid on the bus it would be different, but you don’t, so stop it. We all know what is really in that bag, don’t we Taurus?


Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Come on Gemini, I mean really, murder-suicide? I expected better from you. At least make the police hunt you down so you can be killed in a hail of police bullets. It’s called ‘suicide by cop,’ dumbass. Instead you decide to just blow your brains out and take all potential fun out of the news. You got the murder part right at least but your follow through was not very inspiring and didn’t even rate the lead story, gushing with the false sincerity of the news anchors. I hope you’re happy.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have testicular cancer. The good news is that your HMO just saved a bunch of money by denying your insurance claim for treatment.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, it’s time for you to get your ass off the couch and find a job. As much as your girlfriend loves you, there will come a time when she will simply get tired of your bullshit. Do you really think she enjoys taking the bus every day and working at that thankless job for nine hours so you can lay around in your underpants watching your Thundercats DVD set? Do you think she really gives a shit about what Mumra did that afternoon? At least Mumra had a job. Hell, he was deservedly retired until the Thundercats showed up, but still got his ass out of the sarcophagus every day to do his thing. You on the other had are actually leaving permanent sweat stains on the couch. Jesus Leo, at least try to be a man before entering your third decade on this world. Unlike Mumra, you don’t have the benefit of being everliving.

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