Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Sept 7-Sept 21, 2005
Issue #83

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Brown Nose
Buffalo News Endorses Mediocrity
Allan Uthman

Occupational Hazard
Why They Hate Us
Alexander Zaitchik

Lie of the Storm
No one could've predicted this, or something
Kit Smith
Joltin' Bolton
UN Ambassador as bad as you thought
Jeff Dean
Beast Calling!
A Tele-prayer with the 700 Club
(includes audio)

Area Man Remembers 9-11 Twice Daily
Ian Murphy

Point/Counterpoint
A debate on withdrawal

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Matt Taibbi
Page 3
Bills Season Preview
Ronnie Roscoe
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
Voicemails
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Last Issue: (82)

• Ooooooh, that’s it right there! It feels so good—but we can’t afford another baby Charles, so remember to pull out—oh god yes! • Shhhhhhhh! Don’t talk about kids for Christ’s sake—oh yeah you like that? You like that? I will pull out when I’m ready, okay baby? Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
• Oh yeah growl big poppa, growl! Me likey, oooh—yes, yes! You just have to remember to pull out this time, I am NOT about to have another child at my age! • Please, Beth! I will. I promise. Let’s just try to enjoy this and stop talking so much. I don’t want a baby anymore than you do—dirty girl, oh yeah who’s my dirty girl? Who’s my dirty girl?
• I’m your dirty girl, oh yeah I’m your dirty girl! Oh sure—you promised that three years ago, remember? And now we have Casey. Charles, I am done having babies! What about our golden years? It’s bad enough we have a three-year-old. Oh-oh-oh—what’s the matter honey? • What the hell do you think is the matter? I’m trying to make love to you and you won’t stop jawing on about kids for god’s sake! Can’t we ever do anything without you talking all the time?
•Oh honey, I’m sorry. Come to momma. I will make it all better—ooo yeah there’s my big boy-come on baby. What’s wrong? • It’s not working! That’s what wrong. No not like that, like this—do it like this. No here, like this! Oh—Ok-now we’re talking. Yeah, just pinch it a little. Oww! Too hard. That’s it baby—right there, baby.
• Speaking of babies, Charles, we are both too old to be changing diapers again. And with my business just starting to take off, that is the last thing we need right now. Right here? Like that? You like it rough, don’t you big poppa? • Jesus Christ, Beth! Progress is being made here and all you can talk about is pulling out. I have said it before and I will say it again—I will only pull out when the mission is complete! Gaaaaaaar!
• Yeah, bite me—bite it—I’m all for accomplishing the task at hand Charles—oh yeah—there, right there, harder—but immediate withdrawal is our only prudent option at this juncture. Another child would throw our lives into a, a—oh yeah, spank me like you mean it—virtual quagmire. • [SMACK!] By calling for immediate withdrawal you are sending the wrong message to our troops, and by troops I mean my genitals. Morale is low as it is, and applying pressure to the situation now may very well hinder “troop” deployment in the future.
• I’m all for a strong, hard and—deeper, oh yes—military and I believe in accomplishing the mission but why not set out a time table to get our troops out of there before it is too late! • Look, look what you did! You think it turns me on to hear you jabber on like that?
• Should I put in that movie I bought? • No!
• Why not? Why are you so closed-minded? I thought it might spice up our sex lives. Jill told me her and Drew do it all the time; it helps with Drew’s problem. • I don’t care what Jill and Drew do; I’m not Jill and Drew! Jill and Drew can get off fucking porcelain ponies for all I care! And I am not the one with the problem, Miss Won’t Shut Up.
• Well honey, something’s the matter. Did you ever talk to your doctor like we talked about? This is our problem, not just yours or mine. • Goddamn it Beth, can we not talk about this right now!
• Well when, Charles, when? Just tell me when and I’ll clear some time, OK? • Oh fucking great, here comes the sarcasm—don’t you roll your eyes at me—oh what? I’m not man enough for you, is that it? Well maybe you should go back to Greg!
• You know what? Fuck you! That was five years ago and you never fail to throw it back in my face. You know, maybe I should—at least Greg knew how to satisfy a woman! • My mother was right; you are an evil bitch! No, get off of me—I don’t have time for this bullshit. I’m sleeping in the living room.
• Fine! Go! I just hope the living room is far enough away that I can’t hear you breathing! • Fine, I’ll go to a fucking hotel!
• Fine! • Fine!

 

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